The Cramer Top, part 1,000

That fucker was on the teevee yesterday exclaiming the virtues of “Barack the Builder” and all of his grande [sic] infrastructure plans. After all, Barack is going to take his magic wand and turn everything new again.

You know that rusty tool box in the garage? Well, Barack will wave his wand and turn it shiny and shit again.

There is something to be said about how bad, and I mean this, that man (Cramer) is at picking stocks or timing the market. I know it’s very unbecoming of me to talk shit like this, but fuck it— it must be said. I am hating on him right now, in a very egregious way. Don Harrold seems to be on some sort of lazy man vacation, so I will fill the vacuum, needless to say.

Heck, Jim is so bad at picking stocks, one would think he was schooled at some place where wreckers of financial capitalism are made (rim shot!).

Into the close, I did nothing. I still own a shit load of longs, including GE, ABX and TNA. However, my shorts, newly “reinvigorated” more than made up for the long side deficits.

In summary, fuck crude and the fucking boats they ride in.

Pardon me for not blogging this afternoon, I was busy having my fucking files thumbed through, by some asshole auditor. Don’t worry, it is nothing to worry about; just your standard “fuck you, show me your files” annual audit.

I see the market shit the shower: good. I fucking hate the market and wish death upon those who believe in “cycles” or that oil is “cool at $37.” After all, XOM is making so much more money on their fucking crude, at $37 instead of that dreadful $145—in backwards world, that is.

In the morning, I sold out of my last FAS and loaded up on SRS, DUG and SMN. I bought a little more FAZ too. Hey, remind me to never buy 200% and 300% etf’s. Thanks.

In addition to etf’s, I shorted some RIG and KIM.

Into the close, I expect the market to knife lower, closing down between 200-300 points. There is a lot of pain being inflicted to the small men in leotards today, via a reversal in “Barack the Builder” stocks. The infrastructure story, although interesting, is entirely over hyped and will be crushed by municipalities going kaput.

Bottom line:If this market reverses again and goes higher, I may be forced to unload a few howitzer shells in my fucking face, if you know what I mean.

China’s economy is crashing, as evidenced by the incessant weakness in oil/coal. Soon, we will learn of pleasant news, such as California’s pending bankruptcy and sky rocketing unemployment—God willing.

Within commercial real estate, more than 125,000 stores will be boarded up in the first half of 2009. To fill that void, well, there is nothing but PNRA and a few local banks. For the most part, banks will not be opening up new branches, like in past recessions. And, SBUX is no longer in the business of opening new stores.

Let’s not forget big chains like Linen and Things and CC will soon be home to thousands of rodents and homeless dudes.

So, where will KIM, VNO and BXP make their money, if their fucking tenants are digging their own graves?

Answer: Government soup kitchens.

Look, men like Cramer are assholes. I really needed to express that. I mean, this old fucker was screaming for everyone to sell X @$27, right at the lows. Remember that? Now at $40+, he is telling you to “get on board the Obama infrastructure play.” WTF?

He is a fucking idiot, of the first order. He is always wrong and should be faded, 95% of the time—with the blessings of all of the stock Gods.

There is a danger listening to the “glass half full” crowd. Incidentally, they’ve been EXACTLY wrong about everything, from the beginning of this crisis, up until now. All of the crazy eyed bears, like “The Great Roubini” and Meredith Whitney, have been 100% right, thus far.

Why bet against them, now?

Nonetheless, I am sure the bulls have some more to throw at this thin tape, so be ready to get long for the scalp. However, in my opinion, until proven wrong, these rallies should be taken out to the back, in order to get its fucking brains blown out.

I sold short 5,000 XOM @ $82.13.

Disclaimer: If you short XOM because of this post, men with blue turbans will blow up your local gas station. And, you may lose money.

I sold 10,000 CBL @ $7.53.

I sold 10,000 FAS @ $26.95.

I sold 5,000 ABX @ $36.35.

I sold 20,000 URE @ $7.05

Today’s action is incredibly bullish. Soon to be defunct hedge funds are just throwing Haily Mary’s here, trying to save their careers with leveraged long trades. Fucktards, like Jim Cramer, are stoking the fire, in order to help these idiots stay in business, with dog mouthed bullish bullshit rhetoric.

Anyway, there is no point in fighting the current trend, no matter how much you hate it. Instead of bitching and whining, why not take some money from the midgets who are getting hit with shovels?

I told you the homos at M have a rock solid line of credit. Regrettably, I own all but a token position. Nonetheless, the stock looks poised for $12-13, near term.

Also, I like gold for a trade here, specifically GG, ABX and RGLD.

Some finacials can be bought here. You know those bastards will try to goose step C, up to $10. And, you know AFL can go higher, just based upon those idiotic commercials.

Despite hating “the inflation story,” UYM, MOS, CF and POT are working.

And, finally, oil stocks will not go down, despite $40 crude. I cannot get behind any oil stocks, so sorry.

Keep in mind, the fundamentals of the market are horrid. At all times, you should pair your longs with some shorts, like FAZ or even SRS. Or, if you are sick and tired of the 200% fuckery, get short VNO and WFC.

To sum up this article: get in the idiot box and scalp some longs.

That’s it, I am done with investing for 2008 (blatant lie). I simply can’t stand it anymore.

This tape is 100% untradeable (more lies, I am up today). Here I am, trying to figure out this market, then BAM, some guy walks into my office and throws a fucking watermelon at me (another lie). I stood, with a hammer in hand, covered in black seeds, and chased him down the hallway. But he got away (all a mirage).

It looked like some sort of elaborate (delusion) scheme to get “The Fly” off his game. Let me inform you tricksters, “The Fly” can never be stopped, handled or even slowed down (I slept in the day after Thanksgiving).

As for this market:

I should just buy a couple million shares of MVIS (fat chance), going into CES. You know that fucker, Tokman, is going to get all “jiggy with it,” unveiling new devices and shit.

Also, let me tell you, oil is all the rage, here in Dubai (another lie). As you know, Plutonium Petey has an office on the 110th floor, in the “Dubai Space Needle” (ridiculous), where he trades like space alien magician. He is treated like a King in Dubai, mainly because he punches off everyone’s mustachios (never happened).

Okay, it’s time to go eat a sandwich of some sorts (true). My positions are all over the place, but my wins in gold, via ABX, are especially pleasing—since many of you liars were against it. Whatever is occurring in the minds of people who buy t-bills is disturbing, let me tell you. My small TBT position is being ransacked and there is no sheriff in town to help save it.

Finally, at these levels, it appears the market will asshole dip bounce. I might buy more FAS and UYM, in order to get the monkeys off my back.

My losses at 2:20pm, following today’s Fed decision, were staggering. Well, not as bad as they could have been, since I raised a lot of cash a few days ago, but still bad.

I had my heels dug in, heavily short oil, with a minor bank short, partly hedged with longs. Nonetheless, if I did not take action today, it could have been a -10%+ day, or one of the worst trading sessions this year— for Senor Tropicana.

This post is not to rub in how smart I am or how evidently dumb you might be. Instead, it is a message, from the darkest corners of the internet, penned by a strange man, who refers to himself in the 3rd person and wastes inordinate amounts of time on the internet, during very weird hours of the day.

Here’s the point:

No matter how embedded you might be in your theory, as I was prior to the Fed surprise, be prepared to do the exact opposite, at all times. I know that seems nonsensical to many of you wannabe Warren Buffetts or Jimmy “bow tie motherfucker” Rogers. See, here on planet earth, where money dictates quality of life, it’s important to preserve what you have.

Assholes like Jimmy “fuckfaced bowtie” Rogers can afford to ride out 80% slides in his asinine commodity plays. However, for people worth less than 500 million, you might want to watch your positions more carefully.

Now, come tomorrow, I may switch sides again, which is okay. My gains in FAS, ABX, TNA, C, URE, amongst others, are so great, I am almost ensured to profit from today’s momentum chase—barring a “fuck you, you’re dead” collapse tomorrow.

For the record, I am not in the Cramer camp, who is totally ignorant to the market whims and current economic crisis. I believe today’s news was in fact horrific. I do not believe a Fed Funds rate of zero percent will help out the unemployment rate.

And, furthermore, once the economy does rebound, prepare for the mother of all inflation cycles, headlined by the crash of the U.S. dollar.

To play this (mother of all inflation cycles), I like gold, agriculture chemicals and select financials.

Within Gold, I like:

ABX, RGLD, GG, AUY and KGC.

Within Agriculture Chemicals, I like:

MOS, CF, SYT and POT.

And, within Financials, I like:

C, BAC, ITU, NLY, AFL and CMO.

Other stocks on the radar include: GWW, AMKR, INTC, ISIL and PCP.

Odds are, I will resist buying any of them, since the market is a fucking meat grinder and will likely collapse under the weight of idiocy. Just to fuck with people, as sure as I am sitting here, the dollar will firm and oil will shit itself. Who knows?

However, in the event I opt to execute some long trades, the above list is where I will go.

NO MORE 2x, 3x ETF’s.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zdy3T3MY_Rw&feature=channel_page 450 300]

I could not just sit back and watch myself get obliterated. It’s not in my blood.

I sold most of my ERY, FXP and all of my SMN, for losses.

With cash on hand and proceeds from inverse sales, I bought the following: URE, C, BAC, CBL, ABX, FAS, TNA, GE and UYM.

I kept my SRS, FAZ positions intact. My goal: stop the bleeding and make some quick money into the meat grinder.

My guess, we print a close at or near the highs of the day. Then, we gap up tomorrow. I want to fade tomorrow’s gap, via sales of my long positions. However, at the moment, my appetite to short this lunatic market is nil.