NEWS NARRATIVE: Trump is Ruining Markets!

In spite of the markets are record highs and the Chinese trade war having minimal if zero recognizable effects on the US economy, the media is running with “Trump is fucking shit up” headlines.

Enter Goldman Sachs, slashing growth and warning of, wait for it, RECESSION.

Goldman Sachs lowered its fourth-quarter growth forecast by 20 basis points to 1.8%, citing a larger than-expected impact of recent trade war events.

“The drivers of this modest change are that we now include an estimate of the sentiment and uncertainty effects and that ?nancial markets have responded notably to recent trade news,” said Goldman Sachs chief U.S. economist Jan Hatzius in a note to clients Sunday.

Goldman Sachs said it expects the new round of tariffs to go through in September and it no longer expects a trade deal before the 2020 election.

U.S. farmers lost their fourth largest customer this week after China officially cancelled all purchases of U.S. agricultural products, a retaliatory move following President Donald Trump’s pledge to slap 10% tariffs on $300 billion of Chinese imports.

China’s exit piles on to a devastating year for farmers, who’ve struggled through record flooding and droughts that destroyed crop yields, and trade war escalations that have lowered prices and profits this year.

“It’s really, really getting bad out here,” Bob Kuylen, a farmer of 35 years in North Dakota, told CNBC.

“There’s no incentive to keep farming, except that I’ve invested everything I have in farming, and it’s hard to walk away.”

And then you have the fucking farmers, the biggest recipients of government welfare, bitching and complaining about how fucked farming is for them. I’m sure these reporters are really hitting the hay bales in search of farmer angst — such an important demographic for this great nation.

What these farmers need to do, naturally, is shut the fuck up and grow less soy, in order to account for the trade war. Instead, they’ll keep growing at the same rate and then complain that China isn’t buying anymore — eventually settling for a government bailout for their unsold items.

What a fucking country!

Futures are flat. Everything is flat, even the globe.

Who really likes the taste of beer? It’s all fucking swill.

Enter WhiteClaw and Truly — two of several hard seltzer beverages competing vs beerFAGS for casual alcoholic consumption.

My wife hates it — but I love the seltzer shit. 5% ABV at only 100 cals and zero sugar? Sign me the fuck up.

The alternative is beer at the same ABV and filling AF caloric content that takes three days to ingest. Classic menFAGS will defend beer and cast seltzer bros as beta male faggots, drinking ‘pretend beer’ that tastes like pomegranate. Truth is, if you’re not drinking whiskey or gimlets, you’re wasting time anyhow so might as well drink something that is both pleasant and least filling.

Prove me wrong.

This is an easy trade for the balance of your lives. Coffee is the best beverage in the world. Anyone who drinks tea is a fucking orangutan moron.

Here are some easy facts for you fence sitters out there.

Big ass’d growth in China to come for many years, as they get fixed on ‘the bean.’

The Chinese enjoy, as a people, to drink the bean. Starfucks has over 3,600 locales and Luckin’ Coffee, China’s largest domestic chain, has 2,300. With the trade war happening and getting hot as fuck, God can only hope that Starfucks will be shut the fuck down and their assets given to LK.

Even though the Chinese seem to love the bean, per capita, we haven’t even scratched the surface here. This is like buying Starfucks in 1790.

In short LK is a lifetime hold. I cannot promise you immediate gains or even satisfaction, but I can easily demonstrate a trend to the upside. The bean will grab a hold of the Chinese by their necks and force them to consume, get them all jittery and shit, and then make them spend inordinate sums of money for shopping mall shit tier Joe. The added bonus of LK is that it’s entirely domestic. They tell Trump to fuck off with his tariffs all the time — because they do not export anything here. They’re simple bean salesmen trying to supplant and subvert an American chain trying to addict its citizens to a chemical property that they feel is their God given right.

UPDATE: I’ve been exposed.

Sometimes it sucks that I have such dedicated readers, as I am unable to forge a new persona for this younger generation. All of you old FUCKERS document my missives like it was Hemingway. It’s worth noting, I did at one point stop drinking coffee in favor of Earl Grey tea, but only because I felt I had nothing in common with homeless people who widely accepted coffee as their favorite go to beverage, after cheap whiskey. I did abstain from coffee for more than a year, only absolving this habit after I rediscovered my fondness for the bean.

Why are you surprised? Tough week and an even tougher Friday. I woke up to my face on fire with this REAL. No idea what the news was and I don’t care. All I know is that any stock -15% is getting sold. I don’t have to see the news to know something is fucked up with this company. I took a 23% loss on it — bad pick.

My overnight trade was SHAK, which I booked for a profit of just 0.45%. Sometimes we get monster trades, sometimes little small ones. The bottom line is, it was a win and that’s better than having gasoline poured all over my face by this REAL shit.

Most of my other stocks are doing good, heavily invested in gold — countering this downtrend with supreme cache.

Lots of trade war jitters now. What is Trump going to say next? What will China do over the weekend. I don’t care.

All I know is that I have 20% in cash and I have 1 job to do today — pick a stock to hold over the weekend and nail it. Maybe it’ll be a long, maybe a short. Who knows? My holding period is 1 day — buy the close, sell the open on these fuckers. The biggest fucking moves happen after 3pm and on the opens, so why bother with intra-day positions and getting tricked when you could take a clear headed position at the close?

See pal, this is who I am — booking +6.66% insta-day returns on my way to the Grande Druid Lodge to participate in ritual — and you’re nothing. You’ll come here and talk shit — but you cannot compete.

In short, I booked two overnight trades from last night, OKTA and ZS for 3% gains, and STMP for +6.66% in a matter of hours. I allocated almost all of my cash into the end of the day — because I’m bold and my balls are the size of cantaloups.

This is who I am.

Also, my Quant is up 170BPS today. Also, my Quant was +150BPS yesterday.

This is who I am.

At my core, I am a gold man, always have been and will be. I have 25% of my money long the shiny metal, into a Zimbabwe-esque meltdown of monumental proportions. My end of day pick has been selected and it is, sadly, for members of the Exodus platform only.

Go in peace and fuck off.

Listen to me as if I had a loaded shotgun to your heads.

Everything you see is temporary but gold. Long from now, Amazon and Google will be bankrupted corporations, destroyed by their own hubris — but gold, pure fucking gold, will still retain value.

Long ago, aliens from outer space cracked whips on Africans to mine for gold. They needed it for jewelry and for their atmosphere. Since then, humans have assigned a value to the shiny metal. Wars have been fought over it, whole continents subjugated and conquered for it. Today, those who believe in it are on par with those who wait around for the Great Pumpkin on Hallow’s Eve night, dismissed and called “bugs.” The days of being ridiculed and discarded like pieces of shit are over, lads.

IT IS OUR TIME TO SHINE NOW (DOUBLE ENTENDRE!)

The markets are shitting down severed heads today and one would think gold would sell off — but it’s not. It came all the way back from an earlier deficit and is now punching faces along the way higher.

I added a little something to my portfolio today, upping my gold miner exposure to 25%. I dare you to stand in front of my way. I’m inclined to rip your arms off and cut your torso in half with my samurai sword!

At any rate, I’ll be investing the balance of my 35% cash at the end of the day — because that’s what winners do.

Big win, folks. But it’s nothing new. I’ve been bowling on you people since 2008 with my time machine. Some of you know and have joined, the lot of you are rotten to the core and depraved.

All you had to do was sit back and do nothing and let Exodus score the market and spit out a mean reversion signal. Even an idiot moron could make money off this.

Having gone thru the hostile environment of late 2018, nothing can fool Exodus now. It’s a fucking money making cock chopping machine straight from hell and it’s going to cut your dicks off if you get in its way.

Wait, scratch that. That’s horrible marketing material. Let me try it again.

Exodus is like the fucking moon landing, but real. It’s a fucking astronaut bouncing around on the moon, telling everyone on earth to “fuck off” because they’re not making history and feeling moon sand.

I think that’s better.

To be clear, we mostly despise the Fed and their tactics that have helped usher in economic volatility in the US, correct? I mean, Bernanke did save us, but then again Greenspan fucking ruined us. I always said the Fed was doing this shit on purpose. The 2008 financial crisis ended up being a giant land grab by big banks — fucking small players out of their investments.

Well, here we are with a sitting President actively shitting on the Fed, trying to both discredit and dismantled the institution. Thoughts on this?

You must admit, it’s going pretty well. Trump got the Fed to stop hiking and instead turn around and cut. I was worried that higher rates would apply pressure to distressed oil and gas assets, pushing down credits in junk bonds and perhaps causing another recession. In late 2018, it sure did look like the Fed was trying to kick leveraged loans down a fucking sewer pipe — but all of that has changed now.

In other news, a Nomura analyst is making headlines for making a retarded call, suggesting we’re barreling towards a ‘Lehman like’ sell off.

The rebound, supported by dip buying and technical positioning by speculative traders, is bound to be a short-lived one as market sentiment continues to deteriorate, Nomura strategist Masanari Takada says.

“We see the rebound in US stocks as a mere technical rally that looks like no more than a bump in the road on the way down,” Takada says.

The strategist garnered much attention this week for his call for a “Lehman-like” sell-off as soon as late August.

Everyone can fuck off. I sold ZS and OKTA today for 3% overnight success stories. I have 5 stocks that I want to buy — but will wait to buy them late in the day, in order to avoid any intra-day shenanigans.

It’s the lowest level since 2008, but investors obviously felt it was benign enough to bid the market, the fuck, higher. I’m telling you right now, I’ve never been this fucking hot. I can’t lose money even if I tried.

Nasdaq futures are +30, yields higher, gold lower. It looks like a classic risk on day, which could get a little crazy. I hope you bought some shit before the bell and avoided shorts.

Truthfully, this whole Chinese nightly yuan fix is beyond asinine, but when has the market ever made sense?

This is who I am pal — and you’re nothing.

My last 10 or so trades. Stop harassing me for ideas.

DRIP +11%
SOXS +8%
TZA+6%
HL +7%
PAAS +22%
IAG +20%
DRIP +2%
(TQQQ -3.8%)
SEDG +11.8%
HUBS +9.75%
(TVIX -7.3%)

This is a classic face rip close. Everything melted up. If you didn’t buy the close — you don’t like money and have no business around it. Trust me when I tell you, nothing can go wrong from here. Smooth sailing and Le Fly is the Captain.

Still holdings gold — because that’s what men do. But I’m also long a variety of new shit into the close. I bought 3 overnight trades, some SAAS another AI play. Bottom line: get comfortable with end of day trades, if you hate the intra day bullshit. We reversed off a 589 point decline today and lots of traders got shot in the face for it, yours truly included. I took a 7% loss in TVIX — hoping for a crash. Well guess what — it didn’t fucking work and now I’m long into tomorrow.

Let’s hope Trump steers clear of his fucking phone.