Destined For the Circle Jerk

Once again, I glared at the warm market waters and dove in, without prolixity. My head hit pavement and my skull cracked in half, paving the way for my brains to fall out of my head–leaving me stupid.

Yes, indeud, the market is heading lower. There is a person on my teevee who believes we are going to crash again, 2008 style. Quickly, everyone panic and go to cash! I timed the market with precision, military grade, at the ultimate top of today’s trading range. I stepped in and purchased large blocks of DDD, JIVE, ESRX and ULTA, like a big fancy bow tied money manager, drinking shots of century old scotch as I pressed “buy.”

We were +50 back then, now we’re down 30 and just getting warmed up. Hell, the man on the teevee says we’re going to zero, so we might as well listen to him. After all, he must a denizen of truth and prosperity, being a CNBC guest and all.

Cocksucker!

I am down 0.3% today, which isn’t so terrible. But I was up more than 1% this morning. This market is, without equivocation, the very definition of “circle jerk”, an iron lotus to the head, sharp clawhammer to the top of your noggin. I am so fucking pissed off right now, I feel like punching holes through my windows.

I added to my DDD, JIVE and ESRX positions. In addition, I started a new position in ULTA, for the $100 roll.

Cash is back down to 10%.

Futures are higher this morning and I have 30% of my assets in cash. The end of the quarter approaches and stocks need to print higher, to enhance the cosmetics of our business. Many of you pikers out there, doing 20-30k per month in gross commissions, are bankrupt. You’re degenerates, swallowing rum with the ice cubes (whole), pissing away your money in near dated call contracts. There are engineers who make half of what you make, yet have more.

SHAME on your house.

I am going to buy some stocks today. As of right now, I don’t know what I am buying. I intend to let the wind speak to me, in subtle, stentorian tones. I will visit my urinal shadows and have a cup of tea with them, discussing world events, history and the future. By the end of the day, I will have some serious money at risk, just in time for end of quarter shenanigans.

No one is really talking about the Chinese cash crunch. But it’s starting to annoy me and I figured you should share in my source of annoyance.

Here’s why this story, which is entirely real and legitimate, annoys the fuck out of me. We all know the crazy chinamen have been building modern day pyramids (ghost cities) for the past decade, hoarding basic resources like stark raving lunatics, in order to avoid riots and things of that nature. The chinese brand of communism, which was ushered in many years ago under the banner of equality and fairness, has failed. The country is filled with rich fuckers who control the serfs, working at FOXCONN slave factories, making iPhones for western gluttons.

Anyway, this news should jar markets. It should dislocate credit markets and cause a serious crisis. But it won’t because everything is fake. I mean, they’re just trying to lure you into a false sense of panic, just so they can drop the “dick-guillotine” on your cylinder whenever you “sack up” to get short (puns intended). I will not be suckered into this “crisis” because by the time it materializes, the market will be on its way to 20,000.

I love the market because it gives me money. But I hate the market because it no longer abides by the rules. I am sure many of you feel the same. This is the new normal. It’s going to take a lot of re-programming to get the old school to fall in line. Truth be told, young and ignorant investors will do great in this sort of tape. They lack morals and intelligence by lack of wisdom and can invest freely, without fear or reason. It’s never the old man who banks coin in roaring bull markets. It’s the guy speed chopping carrots, with his balls on the table, who shits on everyone else.

Having said that, I’m gonna buy stocks tomorrow based on a real chinese cash crunch because “The Costanza Trade” is the only trade worth taking these days (whips cane into the face of old man in wheeled chair).

Stupid fucking bullshit. I gave back most of my post QE3 party money over the past week of trade. Drip by drop, the market has fucked me, setting me back to a paltry +30% for the year. I don’t think the market is going higher; I know it is. Nevertheless, there is a process and stocks can fuck you before you fuck them (no homo), if you’re not careful.

For me, today’s tape was equal to having vindaloo chicken smeared all over my face. That spicy shit, burning out my eyeballs.

Aside from the refiners, the only long term trend that is a dunk shot to make money on is organic food. I know some of you republican dick-suckers like to toss irrelevant studies out there, decrying conventional food to have equal footing with organic. All of your distorted studies can suck 10 dicks. Having genetically modified foods inside of your digestive tracks will kill you. It will fuck with your stomach, organs, and eventually make you fat as hell, unable to fit through doors and bowling alley lanes. You need to research the negative effects that genetically modified corn and soy have on a person’s body, then you will realize why WFM goes up daily.

Off the cuff, some organic plays worth perusing are WFM, BNNY, NGVC, HAIN, TFM and CALM.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odCSWY05u4Q

I sold out of NFLX and ATML, closing the chapter on two stupid companies. Today’s ATML debacle is due to an analyst downgrade. I really have no interest in buying ATML weakness, as it was designed to pop with momo. Since the new momentum is lower, I am the fuck out of that goat-fucking stock.

The proceeds of both sales puts my cash position to 30%, as both positions were 10% albatrosses. My risk appetite is nil and I don’t feel like spinning my wheels today. The market is weak. There isn’t much working today, outside of utilities and defensive stocks.

You should be on guard for fuckery, as last week’s buyers capitulate into this week’s weakness. It’s really one big clusterfuck, this market. One day we’re all doing lines of blow, spinning atop the needle of the Empire State building. Today, however, we’re destitute, cellar dwellers, begging for Mother Market to bail us out.

Well, I have news for you, Jack. The market doesn’t respond to desperate pleas for help. The exact opposite is more likely to happen, under the banner of a “no surrender accepted” black flag.

I don’t like change. I’m not the type to paint the walls purple and I’m not the type to invest in unorthodox manners. What we are seeing here today, as well as last week, is consolidation following a strong move higher. The people who bought in last week are the “weak hands” and will be flushed out of the market at the first sign of a sell off. They are Johnny come latelys and do not have the composure to withstand a barrage of sell orders.

If you’re interested in buying now, do so in increments.

Aside from one or two names that are in  strong down trends, I am content with my mixed bag of nuts, even though it’s losing me money. I own a lot of KMB, ESRX, OSG, PPC, ATML, DDD, JIVE and even NFLX. I am positioned to make a great deal of money, if the market trades up. This is not a portfolio built for defense. If it was, I’d get rid of everything but ESRX and KMB.

When confused about the direction of the market, try to remember recent history and have faith in our government officials to keep the quo status and to kick the can down the road. Believe it or not, that is the best course of action for people living in the now. If you’re interested in preserving the American economy past 2025, you might want to make some structural changes. But maybe they know something you don’t.

For example: perhaps they are aware of an alien army on its way from a distant galaxy, hell bent on enslaving us to mine gold for them. Maybe the global warming thing picks up some steam and wipes out civilization inside of the next 10 years. Or, maybe we’re past the tipping point of fiscal cancer and it’s only a matter of time before the world sinks into an irreversible great depression.

If that’s the case, we might as well drink some brandy, dressed as gentlemen in top hats, printing money, on the deck of the sinking USS Americana.

Every rally was sold last week. This morning we found out that AAPL only sold 5 million iPhones over the weekend. In some panicked, distorted world, that is bad news. As a consequence, shares of AAPL are heading lower. The drama: it-is-too-much-to-bear.

Shares of QCOR are getting knifed in the face. I know biotech is all the rage these days; but I hate them. Fuck biotech with a claw-hammer. Fuck them all.

TLT is going up, euro is lower and commodities are unwinding. In other words, make preparations for lower prices.

ATTENTION BEARS: relish into today’s glory. Marinade yourselves in the blood of your enemies and eat their livers, whenever possible, and discard of their carcasses from the summit of mountain ranges. Allow the goats to run freely, as you plunder and burn, maim and steal, to your black hearts content.

NOTE: The FOXCONN slave factory riots have resulted in the closure of a 2,000 person factory. This is big news and bad for the likes of AAPL, HPQ and DELL. If the riots spread to other factories, China is entirely fucked, as FOXCONN enslaves more than a million laborers.

I feel like “grave-yarding” you fuckers in the comments section. This used to be a place where dignity meant something. Back in the old days of Fly on Wall Street, I never had to ban anyone. People came to the site with something to say, funny or smart. I used to allow some of you to guest blog for me on the weekends, take over the site, as I was (still am) uninterested in conversing with anyone during non-market days. Times were good back then.

But these days, I come to my own site, my home, and feel like projectile vomiting onto my screen, reading the crap that you people spew. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, but know it isn’t your fault. One hundred percent of the blame lies in the laps of your parents. A great man once said “you are either afforded with parents who could teach you right from wrong, or you are smart enough to figure it out on your own.”

Since all of you are as dumb as a bag of tomatoes, animals fending, mind you, for scraps–pining for attention: the fault lies where it should. Your fucking parents.

I would share market ideas with you; but it seems to me, you are more interested in debating the merits of your presidential candidates. Perhaps I should just leave the blog alone for a few days, while you boys mash each other up OVER THINGS THAT YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CONTROL OVER. Your votes mean nothing, they never did–jackass.

Pardon me for interrupting your moment of zen.

Let’s be honest, this is fucking bullshit. On top of that, this is exactly the sort of trading action that portends a calamitous drop.

I’ve taken some precautions, even though I have just 10-15% in cash (it varies). Two of my larger positions are KMB and ESRX. In addition, I own CHD, PEP and WM. Even my “risky” plays have strong fundamental underpinnings, like ATML and IDTI. My higher risk trades include DDD, PPC, OSG and SVU, all subject to the winds of sentiment.

I ended the day +0.4%, well off the highs for the day. I am optimistic, but fully expect my optimism to lead to a short term disaster. My entire investment career has been about big gains, small losses, then bigger gains. The market will ebb and flow, driving your portfolios through peaks and valleys. Stress test yourself to ensure you can handle the pressure when the heat is raised high.

As for Le Fly: he is invincible, a man built from titanium, able to read the tea leaves even before said leaves have been plucked. Spare yourselves the embarrassment of betting against such a man of metal and believe, for the sake of all that is good and democratic (no Obama), that everything will work out seamlessly in the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7VD5UpAXPo