REPORTS FROM HOUSE FLY LOOK GRIM (Birthday Edition)

One day ahead of my illustrious birthday, I partook in wanton shopping in and about the area of Princeton today — rummaging throughout the racks of textiles and plastic wares in search of aesthetically pleasing items that might coerce some family to purchase our fine home from us. In between of all the fun consumerism, I sneezed my brains out and itched my head and face until it bled.

As soon as I got home, I took to the yard to breathe in nature and sneeze some more. Then I trimmed the boxwoods and seeded the dry spots of lawn with fast growing grass. In about 20 minutes I will shuffle up to the master bathroom to re-grout the tiles — because excellence breeds excellence and a good house, a really fine house, always needs an effective scullery maid. After I re-grout the tiles and clean the floor thoroughly, I might entreat myself to a bit of BBQ chicken and perhaps a small piece of potato. I’m not supposed to partake in these excursions, since they reduce my efficiency and I’m certainly not useful when not efficient.

Later on this evening, as my birthday nears, I might take a look at a bottle of gin for a few seconds — perhaps even sneak a sniff and wonder what a gimlet tastes like. There is no time for drinking, or anything that could possibly reduce productivity. I will create new cardboard boxes and find things to throw inside of them — then stack them neatly in the garage — which is more or less a giant closet now.

Oh, almost forgot — I will wash the walls with a nice concoction of Comet bleach powder and water. For the master bedroom, ‘where the magic happens’, I will need the assistance of a very tall ladder — since the vaulted ceilings are quite high and also stupid. See, the vaulted shape creates opportunity for dust to accumulate up top and it browns the paint and makes us look homeless. Tonight I will balance myself atop the ladder, like a monkey on a needle, and wash the walls — wash them good and hard until they’re clean. We should be able to eat off the top of my vaulted ceilings, if needed. While I’m up there, I’ll clean the fan — because it too has been browned. I hope someone can turn the fan off while I’m up there — otherwise I might get caught up in the blades.

Around supper time tomorrow, for my birthday celebration, I fully expect to properly stage the house for viewing. There’s also the issue of the basement where we’ll need to replace some of the soundproof drop down ceilings, since several of them have water stains. This too make us look homeless. By next week, however, I fully expect the house to be very clean, from the most remote corner in the basement all the way to the vaulted ceilings in the master bedroom.

After we finally sell this house and move down to NC, I might interest myself in a single beer for 10-15 minutes, before getting back to work, feverishly, on unpacking and redecoration, and renovating, the new House Fly.