“The Fly’s” Sojourns into the South — Part 3

I started off my day listening to Old Town Road and cooking some panned cakes in our hotel room. Shortly thereafter we visited the communities worth visiting and found them to be particularly non-southern — mostly Indian and Chinese in on H1-B visas — and I was pleased with this fact, not because I’m race hating on myself and the southern gents — but I’ve found my Asian friends to be disciplined and truth is born and enjoyed through said discipline.

Since it was Easter, we felt it’d be necessary to visit Church — but I didn’t get around to any of that. Instead I stumbled upon a fine neighborhood with a little shopping center — the most quaint place one could possible imagine living. I ate an avocado toast, fashioned myself a hipster, and enjoyed the southern climes.

By the way, it should be noted, I was adorned with a lambs wool sweater, glistening and feathering in the wind — topped with a hedge fund prick vest and dark shades. Don’t try to look into my eyes — fucker — it won’t work.

One side note on the area, I was pleasantly surprised to see alcohol splayed everywhere I went. Back in Princeton, it’s still a fucking dry town and the grocery stores aren’t permitted to sell spirits. Here, the local Whole Foods has a fucking beer draught station, which could be purchased for just $3 per glass on Thursdays, $5 every other day — getting drunk the entire time shopping. I made a funny at the lady who instructed me of their vagrancy, “Oh, yeah, I can just drink a few of these, go shopping, grab a growler to go, and then hop in the car and VROOM VROOM.”

My joke did not have the effect I desired.

Later on we went to Raleigh and there I got to enjoy some of the true historical confederate nonsense — statues and people of an extremely low caliber. My lambs wool sweater was fluttering in the wind, intimidating all of the manlets who felt it necessary to wear baseball hats and disgusting beards.

Now I’m back in the hotel and I’m eating ham and gruyere with champagne and readying to watch Games of Thrones and thinking about tomorrow and how I have zero interest in trading, but instead visiting local museums and absorbing the culture and judging it harshly for what it is and isn’t.