iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,617 Blog Posts

Here in the South Now — Ready to Whip the People Here into Submission

It took me 11 hours to get here and oddly enough — it wasn’t really torturous. I got fucked in DC around 3 and was stuck in traffic in the rain. There was a group of, I don’t know, 10,000 Mexicans protesting something and they really fucked up my alternative route flow. I hope Trump sent them all back to Mexico. That shit really pissed me off.

When I got down to Richmond, I went to Mission BBQ — my favorite place for brisket and green beans. I ate an absurd amount of food and side dishes and didn’t even feel full afterwards. I’m here with my dogs, so I sat outside during a little drizzle eating meat after meat after meat — like an absolute barrel-ass.

While driving to Raleigh the fucking rain started to come down in sheets, so bad I had to put my hazards on and drive like an old man.Truck drivers were flashing their lights into my car, telling me to fuck off and get out of the way. I wanted to kill them.

Then I noticed my car was handling poorly and I felt like I was rolling on Flintstone rocks. I checked the PSI on my tires and they were motherfucking 55. I normally keep them at 35, like any normal human being. I had just took my car out from the shop for a routine oil change and I can only guess that the fucking geniuses in there filled up my tires without actually checking for PSI. I am going to skin them alive when I get back.

It should be noted, I am in a nice suite with a full kitchen and wonderful amenities — dark gray rugs, charcoal couches, white walls, flat teevees, several neatly made beds, and a stainless steel fridge — already stocked with champagne. Tomorrow I intend to make my debut in the south, even though I’ve been here before, donning my cashmere cardigan. The very site of this sweater will shock the southern folk here into a panicked retreat and submission. The idea that someone could cavort amongst them in a sweater of this magnitude and grandeur will assuredly put them into an immediate subordinate position.

More on this tomorrow.

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11 comments

  1. tmmdn0

    You bring such joy, Dr. Fly.
    Honestly, the funniest prose, day after day.
    Please don’t ever stop.
    Happy Easter.

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  2. potato

    Motherfucker, we’ve seen cashmere cardigans before. They’re usually worn by waiters named “Keith” and paired with white patent leather shoes.

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    • potato

      Pro Tips : The only place worth living in South Carolina is Charleston. The Peninsula or Sullivans Island.

      The places to live in North Carolina are Bald Head Island, Wrightsville, and Figure Eight. OBX is a wasteland. Raleigh-Durham-CH is for people who need to earn a salary. Asheville is, idk.

      Inland are the simple hill folk and their biscuits. The coast is where the $ is. You don’t want to see what the I-95 corridor looks like. The states of Georgia, Tennesee, Florida, Alabama, Arkansas, and Mississippi suck and you don’t need to see them.

      Godspeed

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      • Dr. Fly

        What do I look like, retarded? You expect me to live on the beach like a coastalFAG with bad schools and tourists for $5m? I don’t think so. I visit the beach. I do not live on it.

        QED

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      • bob smith

        Thanks Potato head, but us northern folks don’t take tips from the unwashed. It’s like sheep telling their shepherds where they should go to dine.

        You should be happy we are willing to stop by your outhouse to relieve ourselves. It’s really not what we prefer but we like to tip our hats to the little people in this way to show them that we care.

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  3. bankcoin

    South is for the unwashed. Jump back into that gls and return home proper.

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  4. disintermediate your life
    disintermediate your life

    Fly, I need your ponderings re: paying absurd commissions to sell your home, the last industry niche to be modernized, besides the Primary Physician who checked out years ago and knows nothing more than what the pharma rep tells them, i.e. no medicine has any serious side effects and it is dependency, not addiction, within weeks. The RE agent reads at the level of Romance Novels and only fools their customer by taking on modern slang learned from Bravo channel’s living soap operas. Pls turn on your Mark Twain perspective and inform your readers with your trusted observations on the laborious labor of said ‘agent’ using such difficult to maintain knowledge like: first day Uber skills to drive to house; entry locksmith skills to open up the door with appropriate key; girl scout skills to bake cookies for inviting smell; and equivalent-to-Boeing-airplane high level technical sales ability with superlative communication such as ‘Nice, huh! Imagine your couch there.’

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    • disintermediate your life
      disintermediate your life

      Yes, that is the so called buyers agent, you’re paying for them too, unless you think 60% of the total cost to dispose of house is somehow paid for by buyer. The selling agent does nothing but have the office lackey enter the dang thing into the MLS monopoly sites and say things like ‘he is a gooood guy. Yeah, real goood guy.’

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  5. disintermediate your life
    disintermediate your life

    To South hatees: couldn’t disagree more. I’ll sell my cookie cutter on .1acre (yes, point one) west coast surrounded by people who missed the melt part of the melting pot, shown by inability to utter a ‘good morning’ or even nod, much less smile……..to live in TWO of these 155acre spreads. Of note: Southern internal carpentry can generally be called ‘loving’ vs west coast, who view it as a step higher than laying carpet. Oh, the horror it would be — Arbitrating my stereotypical ‘ideal’ riches of liberal living for REAL riches. https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/2550-Shiney-Rock-Rd-Clarksville-VA-23927/2087540139_zpid/

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