iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,351 Blog Posts

Off to Become a Southern Gentleman

Why do you fuckers argue with each other about politics? Just a few years ago when I made the grave mistake of delving into politics, driving traffic at the site to all time fresh record highs. Our Alexa ranking soared to 5,000 — ad revenues tripled, and I was miserable. I know it has said before, but never again. I might have to start banning you fuckers for talking about politics in the comments section.

Last night I ate a hammed burger with cheese and some grilled potatoes, very heavily salted and lightly peppered. This morning I intend to whip up some Frenched toast, drizzled with real maple’d syrup — not that Aunt Jemima horseshit. By this time tomorrow, I expect to be eating grits and chitlins for breakfast, as I whip my waiter into shape and inform them of the preferences of their northern masters.

I’ll be driving 8 hours down to Raleigh soon and it’ll be the longest drive of my illustrious career. When I first started driving, I was a complete faggot — couldn’t go more than 2-3 hours at a clip. Since I enjoyed traveling up north into the New England region of America, I’d plan my trips to be dotted with hotel stays along the way. Every 2-3 hours I’d rest and take up residency in a hotel — extending trips much longer than needed. Nowadays I can drive a solid 5 hours before seeing double and wanted to keel over and die due to boredom. Sometimes I’ll blast really bad rap music in the car, just to draw a negative response from Mrs. Fly, in order to keep the drive lively. But today I’ll do 8-9 hours straight — like a robot. I’ll likely stop in Richmond, cavort with other southern gentlemen and whip them into shape too, asking quite aggressively where I might find some good BBQ and corned bread.

I’ll take my laptop with me and I’ll be sure to inform ya’ll about my southern adventures over the next few days.

Oh, in case any of you FUCKERS intend to burglar my home when I’m away, just know a good friend of mine is staying over while I’m gone and he’s armed with a machine gun and grenades. Plus he’s a black belt in karate and bench presses 400lbs.

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22 comments

  1. acehood

    Fearrington House Inn. You’re welcome.

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  2. bennyhill

    Your pro Trumpwad for profit era was a disgrace glad it’s over.

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  3. ferd

    If you think you know something important …something that the average lamb doesn’t know ..it is your sacred duty to TRY to educated them. (By “important” I mean something more broadly consequential than helping the already-well-fed add a few basis points to their unearned income.)

    Forgive yourself for having been a Trumptard. Move on.

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  4. boyaj

    What’s drawn you to Raleigh? Is that your settled spot? Nothing against the city; the question is out of pure curiosity.

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    • heckler

      I have a buddy who just got back from “the north part of South Carolina.” He claims it was a vapid waste pool of microwaved dinners and waiting to die tucked away next to golf courses and Walmarts

      Fly I strongly suggest you come to THE BEST FUCKING COAST obviously I speak of Oregon and Washington – our Union incomplete without them –
      just visit stop being a bitch about it. Now you will have to drive a little more so I will give you podcast recommendations to keep your mind busy when you happen to be alone; although I do love this image of bumping rap music and a Mrs. Fly letting it get under her skinny skin skin.

      And certainly all you EastCoastFAGS should come experience the wonders of true cowboy country. Well I guess it’s hippy cowboy country isn’t it…

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  5. natehois

    Don’t speed in Virginia.

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    • numbersgame

      Virginia
      80 mph -> reckless driving
      20+ mph over the limit -> reckless driving
      Anything else on the interstates and beltways is fine

      For North Carolina, 15+ mph is the trigger for a higher offense.

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      • cancel19

        Come to Atlanta Metro Area. Where if you are doing 80 mph you’ll get run the hell over on I-285!

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  6. mx2101

    Oh my goodness.

    But seriously, you and your wife should stay in Raleigh for a couple weeks before making a decision. Like I said before, there is more to the south than Raleigh.

    If the kids are grown or nearly grown, consider taking month long road trip with the wife, and spending at least three days in different places:

    Athens GA
    Nashville TN
    Naples FL
    Ft. Lauderdale FL (check out houses on New River)
    St. Petersburg FL

    In many southern states I recommend you stay long enough to become aware of latent racism, persisting to this day. Might consider someplace where other things capture more of the vibe.

    Also if certain kinds of house styles annoy you, be aware. Seems like every new house in Birmingham is in Tudor style. I have no idea why or how they became obsessed with this, it is bizarre.

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    • heckler

      This strikes me as more solid advice! We care about you Fly don’t move to gay Carolina. I think Moosh lives there that’s the only plus otherwise it’s pretty much fucked

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      • moosh

        Thanks homie, I’m in SW VA. Make the trip through the triangle often to oak island though, where there is literally not much going on but the sea. Still need to check out Oregon and Washington

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    • numbersgame

      Research Triangle: Raleigh-Durham-Chapel Hill(+Cary)

      Durham: hipster, diverse
      Raleigh: WASPs (yes, latent racism)
      Chapel Hill: typical eastern college city
      Cary: Yankee resettlement area

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  7. bearraid

    If you want good BBQ, come to Austin. They don’t know fuckall about it over there.

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    • heckler

      Fly likes Seafood come to seattle I will stuff your face and we leave behind a pile a shells and empty glasses wherever we go

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    • numbersgame

      There’s no way the BBQ in hipster Austin is better than North Carolina’s.

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  8. moosh

    Hope Le Fly made it through all good. There were some very treacherous waves of weather to be driving through on that route later on today. I’m with you Fly on driving more than 5 hours without stopping and getting real bad loopiness. It starts on highways where you are going 90 and not really driving because it’s straight as fuck and no touching the wheel, but you still have to pay attention. Enter TSLA & competition

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  9. longrun

    St. Pete very nice. Might lose the based ball team tho. Ruh ro

    I used to drive 8hrs to start a shift then work that same day for 10hrs. Black gold err tar sands. Baha

    Now I drink whiskey and farm ducks

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