The Important Matter of the Scourge of Paper’d Plates

There’s something inherently wrong with people who insist on serving their dinner entrees on paper’d plates. I can understand the need for brevity during breakfast and maybe a quick afternoon snack. But, woe is me to tell you that serving dinner atop of a paper’d plate is not only wrong, it’s wholly degenerate.

Let me explain.

Back when the Pilgrims came to America, they prepared their 200 calorie suppers on wooden plates and ate with their hands, like savage animals. The natives were even worse, opting to eat from the carcasses of dead animals and the skulls of enemy tribesmen. Then England began to export proper dinnerware and the rest is history.

The Pilgrims would soon farm better and learn how to kill animals in a more efficient way. It wasn’t long before 1,000 calories were enjoyed by all during supper. To celebrate this great and most fortunate bounty, they took their old wooden plates and cracked them over the heads of the natives for looking at them sideways, and then started to eat on the plates imported by their motherland.

Dinner was not only a time of sustenance, but a celebration of bounty and the creativity of mankind. Traveling across the dangerous waters and into savage territory, dodging arrows and spears whilst trying to farm, was an arduous task and it took many men and guns to solidify European dominance over the barren lands of N. America.

This is why, when sitting at the supper table, you should not sully it with cheap and piece of shit paper’d plates; which, by the way, is a derivative of the wooden ones used by the original Pilgrims. If you’re taking the time to cook a good meal, and by this I mean a properly prepared meal, serve it on a nice dish — god damn it. Pageantry is everything and you’re only here for a finite amount of suppers and your forefathers cracked those wooden bowls over the heads of the natives to establish your way of life here — gently cavorting around this giant mass of land in your faggot pants, hooked into your electric devices.

I know what you’re thinking. How does demographics play into this fine thinking?

“What about me — I am from China, or Brazil, or Saudi Arabia, and don’t give a shit about English settlers and their dinnerware in infant, baby America.”

You don’t have to be a distant relative of the original settlers in America to appreciate the sentiment. As I understand it, over in Asia — if you’re caught eating a fine meal on a paper’d plate, they cut your fingers off. In the Middle East, dinner on the birthday of the King cannot ever be served on paper’d plates. Those found doing so will be decapitated.

And let’s not get into what they do to you in Brazil. It’s too grisly a punishment for this PG-13 rated blog.

The next time your wife or husband serves you supper on a paper plate, take my advice, believe me, and simply get up from the table and throw it in the trash, telling her/him ‘I refuse to sully the efforts of my forefathers by dining on this flimsy piece of wood. It is a meal best designed for a reprobate. GOOD DAY TO YOU.”

Thank me later.

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