Happy Firecracker and Hot Dog Day — Come Get Your Free Exodus Now

What else do I have to do, other than self promotion this morning? Should I talk about my fucking coyote and how she wastes my time with her meaningless 7am walks of doing absolutely nothing other than chasing squirrels and people on bikes? No, that’s boring.

Should I talk about stock futures +60 and how we REKT England several hundred years ago? No interest.

What about George Washington and his fucking cherried tree? I bet he cut it down and was a supreme asshole. Also, why did he sleep in so many places and why are these establishments still standing?

Fuck all of that. Today we do not celebrate the birth of America — but the advent of hot dogs, hipster sausages made with fennel and organic blueberries, beer, and explosives. You might choose to drink some off-brand swill or some hipster chocolate IPA, made from oatmeal, and that’s fine. That’s your version of America and you’re entitled to it.

My version of America is tossing jumping jacks into an iced cream truck when I was 10, just to watch the iced cream man dance around and yell at me — and then later on throwing small sticks of dynamite down sewer caps to smoke out the waterbugs — so that me and my friends could step on them.

Today I’ll cook some sausages and inebriate myself with some beer. I haven’t decided which brand I’ll buy. Part of me says “go get that FagLORD Chimay or something really good; make sure it’s rated “100” by the experts. And then another part of me says “go get a 40 ounce of malt liquor and then after you drink it all — light the bottled rockets and fire them off from the empty bottle.”

Truth is, I can’t do any of that shit — as I am an upstanding member of my community, and extreme gentlemen of magnificent proportions. I’ll simply cook a whole chicken and sip, ever so quietly, on cocktails — perhaps dirty martinis, in honor of FDR. Later on, before retiring to bed, I’ll lay fire to a series of fired crackers and share my Chinese fireworks with the neighbors — who will all be very appreciative with their golf claps and genteel nods.

In the meantime, you can take the extra time off to immerse yourselves in the winship inherent with Exodus — free trials for 7 days. Just drop an email and voila — you’re in. Once in, you’ll receive a series of educational emails about the platform and how amazing it is — and how it’ll put 2 inches on your cock and enable you to drink 30 martinis in one sitting, whilst firing off fucking mortar shells into the living rooms of your neighbors.

I spent about 1.5 hours last night doing one about our valuation tools. Here are a few annotated pictures for your 4th of July festivities.

Pardon the grammatical ‘faux pas’, I was under the influence of a large hamburger and frenched fries at the moment.

At ant rate, time for me to head out now. I’m dropping both dogs off at the barbershop so they can get their coats of fur shaved off. I’m sure they’ll both enjoy that surprise shortly after a nice ride in my automobile.