PROPER ST. PADDY’S DAY FESTIVITIES ARE UNDERWAY

Back when I was a young lad, my Father would force the family to go see the NYC’s St. Paddy’s Day parade. Anyone who grew up in an Irish household has endured this right of passage. Things have changed since then and I could’n’t care less about some damned parade with leprechauns prancing about the thoroughfare steeped in Guinness.

For those of you who are young and/or ignorant as fuck, here are some quick rules to abide by, in order to have a successful St. Paddy’s Day celebration.

Don’t play yourself wearing gimmicky shirts with fucking shamrocks on them. This is crass bullshit. A proper Irishman wear slacks and a heavy cable knit sweater on this fine day. The sweater should be thick like burlap, uncomfortable to wear, and incredibly itchy about the arms and neck. But you will wear this shit, and like it, because you’re Irish and because you’re a proper Irish gentleman and not some scoundrel clad in wares from Target.

You cannot just make corned beef one way. Treat your guests to a nice variety of flavors by cooking it three ways, like Le Fly. First way is to boil it, like an ancient fucker, with beer, water, and stock. Cut an onion and casually toss it into the pot o’ gold and then toss your brined corned beef. Let that fucker boil an hour and then toss in some potatoes. After another 2 hours, toss in the fucking carrots. Finally, during the final hour of boiling, toss in the fucking cabbage. Dinner is served.

The second way to cook your corned beef is in the oven, in the pan, like a fucking dego. Make a roux out of bacon, Irish banger grease and then deglaze that with a bottle of Smithwicks. Take that mixture and then dump it into a deep pan, throw your corned beef into it and then add your potatoes. After a few hours, add the carrots. DO NOT ADD THE CABBAGE. Instead, take the cabbage, cut it up nice and fine, and then fucking saute it on the stove with butter and lots of fucking mustard seeds.

Lastly, cook your corned beef in the fucking crock pot. To do this, you take two tablespoons of sugar and mix it into a glass of water and two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar and a fucking bay leaf. Dump that into the crock pot, alongside two bottles of ale. Toss your corned beef and potatoes into it and add water until it’s halfway up. Make sure to put the fat side UP. You will need to trim some of the fat. In about 5 hours, add the cabbage and carrots, and take that fucker out in another two for expeditious, gluttonous, eatery.

As far as drinking is concerned, DO NOT DRINK AMERICAN OR GERMAN SWILL. Drink some Guinness or Murphy’s and definitely some Smithwicks Red Ale. After you’ve had enough beer, permit yourself to drink some Irish Whiskey. Try not to drink too much, otherwise you’ll end up looking and feeling like a complete jackass.

Quick reminder: Be sure to have ample amounts of Irish Soda bread.

Lastly, American or English music should NEVER be played on St. Paddy’s Day. You must only play Irish Celtic music, the tunes of Dublin and Belfast, in spite of your company’s requests for American degeneracy. Thou shalt NEVER play rap music. This level of sin will surely earn you a keep in hell during the after life.

Have fun. River dance to your heart’s delight. And raise your fist in defiance against those bloody English bastards who’ve been occupying your land for so long.

IMPORTANT REMINDER: You’re not a fucking leprechaun and you do not know where the fookin’ pot of gold is. Do not demean yourselves by acting like a prairie fairy.

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