iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
17,003 Blog Posts

VEGAN LIFESTYLE ON SUICIDE WATCH

This experiment or crucible or penance that I’ve been conducting on myself, resorting to a vegan diet, would make sense — providing I actually gave a fuck about my lifespan. To be clear, my fatalistic, blowing up in a cloud of black smoke persona is very real and does not mix well with a health conscious diet. Ergo, and this goes without saying, I am ebbing towards quitting this RIDICULOUS diet in order to only eat meat.

That’s right, I’m gonna attack the fucking deer in my yard and eat them alive, fur and all. The problem with vegans, in my brief experience knowing them, is that they’re mainly assholes. Anyone who precludes themselves from foods, based upon the premise of wanting to be healthier, should be shot. Now I don’t mean that metaphorically; I actually mean get shot.

Look at Bill Clinton. He used to look good; now he just looks like a GIGANTIC FAGGOT.

On the matter of part 2 of my story, I intend to write it, even though it’s a grande giant waste of my fucking time. There’s no money in it for me, so I do it solely for the pleasure of documenting and creating good prose. I intend to make this one longer, mix in new characters, like The Devil and Chuck Bennett, and discuss the grimness that I endured during the blow up, the very worst of times that presided over a 78% decline in the Nasdaq in 30 short months.

For those of you who read part 1, what would you like to learn about in part 2? Any feedback is appreciated, since this long form of writing is all new to me.

UPDATE: I just started part 2. Opening paragraph, subject to change.

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40 comments

  1. zombie

    I was suicidal until I went vegan. Four years now and loving it.

    FIG

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  2. Dr. Fly

    I want to eat a baboon.

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  3. Dr. Fly

    No thanks Zombie. I just don’t care all that much.

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  4. dwei30

    I think a ketogenic diet would suit you much better than that plant eating bull shit.

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    • The Maven

      I was on a ketogenic diet four years ago, being turned on to it by a bodybuilder friend. At first, it was fucking fantastic. Everything they say it is. My appetite for sweet shit literally vanished. I ate about five pounds of bacon a week. At least one stick of butter daily. Not shitting you. I was 192 lbs when I started. In two weeks I had lost eight pounds while stuffing my face with fucking BACON. By the two month mark I was down to 167 pounds. My waistline went from 36 to 32. I could fit into those 32×32 Levis again that I had saved in the attic for this miraculous day. Salads drenched in olive oil and butter. I allowed myself one to two glasses of red wine. Everything was going great until a 9mm kidney stone got lodged in the entrance to my bladder and almost killed me. There have been other stones in the ensuing years but they were tiny and passed easily. I get an ultrasound scan once a year to watch for gremlins. I am now back to a 36 waist, but weight is about 178. I eat all the bread and ice cream I can get my hands on, and still eat bacon. Beware the ketogenic diet.

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      • sarcrilege

        I got on Atkins diet for same reasons. It sounded like a good idea from a bodybuilding perspective. Tons of protein, lift weights, gain/maintain muscle while burning fat for energy which helps with muscle definition. Got myself into ketosis and lasted about 4-5weeks. I felt low on energy plus this never ending struggle to maintain carb intake under 30g per day was silly. I like veggies (onions, garlic, red peppers, potatoes) in my western omelet, lots of creamy salad w/ chicken, ceasar salad, etc. It just did not work for me.

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  5. Dr. Fly

    Listen to me you fucking morons, fuck your diets. Fuck all diets. I am going to eat and drink whatever the fuck I want to, whenever the hell I feel like doing it.

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  6. tradercaddy

    Baboon butt can’t compare to a lightly salted and peppered two and a half inch thick rib eye hot off the grill (infused with a slight mesquite smoke on the char).
    Although I don’t eat much red meat I do spend a little more for the organic grass fed (USA bred) because I believe the taste is better and the additional omega 3 from the grass fed (and without the hormones, etc) makes it a bit healthier (although I know some disagree).

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  7. ironbird

    Fuck all diets indeed. Diets are for women and queers and Muslims only. They all have something in common.

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    • Dr. Fly

      Oh shut up.

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    • albertpiker

      Yes they do, ironypigeon…any Woman, Homosexual or Muslim randomly plucked from a crowd possesses more intelligence, humility and humanity in their fucking pinkie toe than you have in your entire retarded feeble toothless little relic of a body.

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  8. blackgld

    Tell Amazon to fix their price gouging system. I paid $12 for Part 1 last week only to watch it drop to $3.58 and they refused to price match. I demand a credit for the difference! Fly don’t make me leave a 1 star review ?

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    • Dr. Fly

      Not my fault. Damn amazon is impossible to update and I have little control of when it updated. The $3.58 price was never supposed to be there. Nevertheless, fuck off, it’s $7 you cheap fucker.

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      • blackgld

        All good Fly. I figured the low price for paperback was off. I’ll still buy Part 2 for full price when it’s released.

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        • ironturd

          Fly tells you to fuck off and you apologize and say you’re going to pay full price AND swallow the whole load? That’s love, that’s not friendship.

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  9. cancel19

    Dr. Fly, nothing wrong with adventure and experience of unknown realms. Now go out and enjoy the power of bacon and prime rib!

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  10. one-eighty

    That opening is terrible. Are trying to maximize your cliche count to win some kind of contest?

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  11. zombie

    I lost 20 pounds in my first three months vegan. My sinus issues completely cleared up and I’ve only been sick once in four years. These meat only diets will just get you clogged arteries and kidney stones (among many other things).

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  12. The Maven

    God bless Chuck Bennett.

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  13. Dr. Fly

    I really do not have time for kidney stones.

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  14. stockslueth

    “What do you mean you don’t eat no meat…. that’s ok, I make lamb.”

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  15. The Other Good Doctor
    The Other Good Doctor

    they’re mainly assholes…..lol
    the reason you’re a good and funny writer is that the slightly off color stuff you write resonates as the true experience of the reader.

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  16. hawaiifive0

    Good for you Fly. I’m 74 now and have tried all kinds of the diets and none really make any sense. My advice, not that you asked, is to just eat what you want in moderation. I tend to eat and drink a bit less during the week than I do on the weekend and in that way my weight and health stay in an acceptable range. In the end, I don’t really believe that you can extend your life, but everything in moderation will add to the quality of it. To give up food and drink is to give up your life while you still have it. Stupid!!

    On you recent publication. I liked it. It was a pleasure to read and it gave me a look into a world in which I am unfamiliar.

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  17. J Adabese (your pen pal)
    J Adabese (your pen pal)

    Senior Tropicana coming back to us in full force. Amen.

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  18. chuck bennett

    That’s right!!

    Regards

    Chuck Bennett

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  19. one-eighty

    I lost 36 pounds and got my BMI into the normal range on the Blood Sugar Diet for the UK.
    Worked great and so far have kept it off eating Med style, minus the pasta.

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