Let’s Peruse Today’s Awesome Hurricane Plays

Capitalists are out in force today. When walking around my neighborhood, I saw men in top hats and canes directing their runners to buy shares in companies who will profit from all of the death and destruction to come.

After I heard this, I ran back home and opened up my time machine to see what was going on. Alas, I was surprised to see furniture stocks ripping tits to the upside. I can’t say I wasn’t warned. Just the other day, an Emmy award winning storm chaser said Irma would cause for rooftops to be ripped off and put ‘furniture in the streets.’

RH is higher by 45%, but that’s financial engineering. I’ll get to that in another post.

Here are some winners:

CAB +14% – they sold a fucking bank. They had a bank and the Fed approved the sale. Not kidding.
FIT +14% — the real news is they teamed up with a company to do glucose monitoring. However, I like to believe people in Miami are buying them en masse in anticipation of vacating the city. Gonna get their steps on.
GPRO +13% — people are buying cameras and placing it on their heads to film themselves drowning. And they upped guidance.
CONN +12% — people will need new teevees after Irma wipes them out. Guidance upped too.
SNAP +6% — The stock is benefitting from an increase in FUCKERY.
GNC +6% — along with the FIT play, people have become quite healthy whilst evacuating from their homes. Perhaps they’re picking up some extra whey before heading out?
CROX +6% — water resistant shoes, FTW.

On the downside are all of these insurance fuckers: UVE, HCI, HRTG, AHL, BCRH, UIHC, FNHC, VR, RE.