Happy National Coffee Day

I don’t know which coffee conglomerate made today a holiday– but I’m not exactly opposed to it. I have a long, rich, history with coffee. It all started out when I was a punk nobody cold caller, trying to get jacked up on caffeine, so that I could muster up the courage to get hung up on 400 times per day. My gateway coffee was the frappacino. I’d make sure that fucker was lathered with extra whipped cream and lots of chocolate syrup. What the fuck did I care? I was 150lbs wet.

Then I moved on and progressed to a more serious version of coffee. My coffee mentor was, naturally, a sociopath and him and I did great things together. He introduced me to iced coffee with milk, with 5 sugars, and I loved it. I’d go down to the local deli and order that fucker, rip 5 bags of sugar into it, then proceed to cold call until my fingers started to bleed.

After a while, the sugar was a bit gratuitous. I had gained 40 pounds, likely due to all of that fucking sugar’d coffee I was drinking, so I moved onto other forms. I tried espresso and hated it. I never tried a latte or cappuccino, but I disliked how the words rolled off my tongue, so I avoided them. Then I found Dunkin’ Donuts and loved it. By this time I only needed two sugars to please my palette and I was good to go, wired the fuck up for a day filled with unsolicited phone calls.

As I matured and money started to roll in, I felt Dunkin’ Donuts was a very blue collar’d existence, as it pertained to coffee. Naturally, the smartest thing for me to do, as some of you probably remember through my blogs, was to get addicted to MONSTER ENERGY SODA. I popped those fuckers, tall cans, 3 times per day. I wasn’t cold calling anymore. Instead, I was blogging like the wind, banning people from reading me–dealing with financial turmoil. Those were the days.

Fast forward to now, I have a very sophisticated coffee palette. I stopped using the disgusting Keurig device several years ago. I grind my own beans and French Press them into a cup, barren from sugar or milk. I enjoy the taste of espresso and would never drink a frappaccino. A few years ago, I tried a latte and was hooked. I can jimmy rig one myself, at home, simply by brewing espresso beans with very little water, French Press it, then mix with frothed milk.

My favorite coffee shoppe, locally, is Small World Coffee in Princeton. My favorite coffee of all time, believe it or not, is made by Starbucks. For a while I was hooked on their flat white, which was a B version of Small World’s fantastic latte. But then SBUX changed the coffee game with their CLOVER MACHINE. Holy shit, you guys need to try it. I’ve tried all of their fancy beans, but good olde fashioned French Roast is still #1. It’s like an inverse french press that calibrates temperature and brew time to produce the world’s best coffee ever.

As an aside, I hate Turkish coffee, so don’t try to sell me on it. The entire country of Turkey hasn’t produced a single edible product in well over 1,000 years.