A Gentleman’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s day was designed to allow a gentleman the opportunity to lavish his loved one(s) with concern (love), in order to demonstrate his magnanimous demeanor. It is a day to ennoble her with a high end affair, so that–she too–might enjoy a fleeting sense of entitlement before having to fetch the water and bathe the children.

I am going to reveal to you, in no uncertain terms, how a gentleman should behave on this illustrious day of love and decadence.

First, have your secretary send her two dozen, long stemmed, roses. If you err and send her just one dozen, you risk looking cheap and/or cliche. Also, should you send her short stemmed roses, you might as well couple the delivery with divorce papers–because that’s the type of signal you’d be sending.

DO NOT send her chocolate or any other gifts for that matter. Remind her that the unwashed stuff their fat faces with sugary treats on this fine day. Explain to her that “we’re better than them,” while offering a small kiss upon her forehead. The reason to avoid buying her gifts is simply a matter of manners. It would be rude of her to expect extravagant gifts on a day as sensual as Valentine’s Day. Reserve the diamonds and the shoes for her birthday.

Next, make reservations for the most expensive restaurant within 20 miles of your home. If it’s too far, you risk ruining the mood because of “gratuitous traffic.” The very best food is NOT important, only the most expensive.

At dinner, make sure to order for her. Do not humor her with the notion that she could make her own decisions. Real gentlemen always know what’s best for their ladies and provide for them. Marriage isn’t a democracy, but a benevolent dictatorship. To that end, be sure you watch her waist when you order. Too many calories could spell catastrophe for the longevity of your union.

Skip dessert, as it is the meal of gluttons. Anyone who relishes in dessert are underserving of being a gentleman and cast a terrible shadow over the longevity of his marriage. To embrace dessert is also to embrace obesity and assured death. Never forget that.

After dinner, take her to theatre, regardless of how she might feel about it. You know best and civilized society are patrons of the arts. It is your shared responsibility to attend theatre on this day.

After theatre, have your driver take you to the nearest 4 star hotel, reserved by your secretary at your behest. The details of this part of the instruction shall be excluded, in order to preserve the decency of the message, which is also part and parcel of being a gentleman.

Upon arriving home, bid her a good night and retire to the library, where you might read a good book, whilst smoking a nice pipe. Ask her to serve you some tea and to tend to the children.

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