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The Gentleman’s Guide to a Happy Valentine’s Day

The first thing you should know this Valentine’s Day is that diamonds are coveted, by all women. From the grotesque to the anorexic, feel free to bestow diamonds upon her person–always of the GIA certified type, VS1 and higher. If you are buying diamonds from the shopping mall, just know, you are a vagrant and unsuited to purchase anything of value.

Remember, once you discard or divorce your present valentine, you can always execute a “claw-back” and resell the diamonds for at or near cost. The DeBeers family has a firm grip on the diamond trade, paid for with the blood of a warrior African class. There is nothing wrong with giving your wife a gift that is really a clandestine store of value for your hard work and labor.

Chocolates are traditional on Valentine’s Day. But make sure to buy her dark chocolate only, instead of the bastardized American version of chocolate, which is laden with superfluous amounts of milk and sugar. If your wife doesn’t like dark chocolate, too bad. She will learn how to acquire a taste for it. Plus, it has much less calories and will not transform your beautiful female friend into a fat undesirable troll.

After you give her the diamonds and chocolates, surprise her with florist grade flowers. This is a very important point I am about to make to you. Listen to me you cheap bastards.

Women do not like super-market grade flowers, that were picked by filthy animals, placed inside of glass vases. Moreover, the crap sold at 1-800 flowers or Proflowers is an embarrassment to the botanist community. Do yourselves a favour and head on down to the florist and order several dozen roses–placed in crystal. The price tag will cost hundreds of dollars–dependent on where you reside. But you will leave with a full heart knowing you did your best.

By the way, NEVER GIVE STUFFED ANIMALS. They are stupid and without class.

Lastly, you must take your wife to dinner. If you intend to drink, order a driver from a black car company (not the vagrant sort). Gentlemen never drive while intoxicated. As a matter of fact, gentlemen rarely drive themselves to events or gatherings. You should know these things already, so this may be redundant.

Dinner should be at a tier one restaurant, preferably Michelin rated 2-3 stars. This means reservations would’ve been made months in advance. True gentlemen of the first order plan ahead and never find themselves without a backup plan. If, by chance, you’re at your winter home– in an undesirable city that is without Michelin rated eateries–make sure to at least reserve the very best seat at the very best restaurant.

Most importantly, remember that you are never to receive anything but affection on Valentine’s day (no pervert). Gentlemen should not accept gifts of any sort, asking the lady to “please return this, as I am unable to receive it”–if such an awkward occasion arise. It is not your place to accept gifts on such a day. If you do not wish to insult your loved one, kindly ask her “to please reserve this for my birthday or Christmas, as I will be joyously overzealous to accept it then.”

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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47 comments

  1. Half Blood Pope

    Haggling in the diamond district with the Russian Jews is the only way to do it.

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    • Half Blood Pope

      Diamond district is the only way to fly (pun intended).

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      • JakeGint

        That’s where I got my wife her engagement ring back in the mid 90’s. What Fly says about appreciation is bullshit, however (though not the stuff about the VS rating, etc.).

        Diamonds are a wholly made up market, and a terrible store of value. If you choose to get the very best for aesthetic reasons, let that be reason enough for your purchase. Whatever you do ESCHEW PURCHASE of “Brown/Yellow” or any other bullshit color of diamonds. Talk about rookery…. you kids will believe anything you see on the Tee-vee these days…

        ________

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        • The Fly

          100% fabrication.

          I never said “appreciation”.

          I can sell my wife’s engagement ring for the same amount I bought it.

          Hence, it is a “store of value.”

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        • JakeGint

          Okay. So, I know how long you’ve been married….

          Have we lived in an inflationless world since then?

          _________

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  2. Rhino

    Boss, are the VS1’s so that people don’t feel bad?

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    • The Fly

      VS1’s are an excellent GIA grade diamond. It will hold value.

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      • JakeGint

        Hold, yes. Appreciate, not so much.

        Therefore, not even an inflation hedge.

        The trick to getting a diamond on 47th street is buying a $10k VS-1 that will “appraise” for $20k (and insure for that amount).

        That is when you “lock in” your value… at purchase. Don’t expect it to go anywhere from there, however.

        ____________

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  3. The Fly

    Bluenile.com is an excellent source. I use them often.

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  4. Bullish

    I’m just hoping the wait isn’t too long at Outback tomorrow.

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  5. Steak

    Can’t wait for CNBC to stop running ads for those idiotic giant teddy bears. Same goes for the online flower shops. No sir(s), I am NOT interested in 3rd world rank offerings.

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  6. Narwahl

    Is there a Jeff Goldblum asset management firm or perhaps a Goldblum hedged fund?

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  7. UncleBuccs

    And if the Goblin behind the jewelry counter says “Hearts on Fire” – know that said fire is stoked by kindling made from one’s wallet….

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  8. Paul

    And the diamond must also be near colorless, of course. No point getting VS1 with color M.

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  9. Skalliwag

    The roses should only be Ecuadorian, grown in Cayambe as they are the best in the world.

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  10. Maxxo

    I would rank the features in this order – 1) size, 2) color, 3) cutting, and 4) clarity. Would rather sacrifice clarity for bigger size and/or color (F or better).

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    • jimmy_two_times

      in this case I would have to disagree about size. you’re better off getting the better clarity, cut and colour. Pay up for the 3c’s first then look at size.

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  11. Raise Taxes, Raise Spending
    Raise Taxes, Raise Spending

    Roses are a bit too common.
    Nothing but the finest freesias will do, along with the best quality chocolate of course.

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  12. ottnott

    On Valentine’s Day, I always share my fries.

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    • TraderCaddy

      Then I suggest staying away from the Dollar Menu as they are too small.
      Or better yet, try and get a buy one get one free coupon.

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  13. The Pirate

    Perhaps you are a gentleman, yet your valentines plans for romance with your lady have by happenstance placed you stranded on the romantic ‘doody cruise’ on Carnival’s ship ‘Triumph’ stuck in the Gulf. Remember a gentlemen keeps his chin up (and nose pinched close); remind the crew of the ship of the traditions of great men like Vice Admiral Horatio Lord Nelson:

    “Duty (pun STRONGLY intended) is the great business of a sea officer; all private considerations must give way to it, however painful it may be” – Horatio Nelson

    I suggest in Heavy British accent you announce to the attention of Carnival Officers and the distinguished gentlemen aboard this Valentine’s day to grab your ‘pails, shovels and bags and by word do your dooty sirs’ !!!

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  14. Juice

    Holy shiite, Imam; glad you wrote this .. I was gonna blow it, again!

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  15. TraderCaddy

    “Dinner should be at a tier one restaurant, preferably Michelin rated 2-3 stars.”

    I did not know they serve meals at Michelin tire outlets.
    I like Bridgestone tires.
    Do Bridgestone stores have restaurants?

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  16. razorsedge

    my wife hinted at a diamond encrusted watch and band, so this morning as she woke i presented her with a bracelet w/1/4 ct (vvs1) all around, and a card that professed my undying love and devotion as well as a small reminder that theres a clock on the stove.

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  17. razorsedge

    berkshire to buy heinz. guess there trying to catch-up.

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  18. Cascadian

    A silky robe of the smooth shiny type is a classy gift.

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  19. JakeGint

    This year, I am delivering the piece de resistance after the usual folderol and top notch restaurants, etc.

    Floor seats for the SJU game tonight.

    The more enterprising among you may even catch me on TV, high fiving Pitino.

    ___________

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  20. TradingProdigy

    freaking epic post. love it.

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  21. The Eye-Talian Stallion
    The Eye-Talian Stallion

    One has to take out the eye loop and discuss inclusions, color and cut quality. Otherwise the chance of getting ripped off zooms to 200%.

    Carbon is the offender most observed along with tool marks on the surface of the cut.

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    • The Eye-Talian Stallion
      The Eye-Talian Stallion

      And ask them to put the diamond on the optical comparitor. The template will show the correct cut. Sometimes the cutter will make a mistake and overcompensate thereby screwing up the geometry.

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  22. Charles

    The Fly,

    Do you recommend removing our top hats during love making on Valentine’s or keeping it throughout as a proper gentleman? Thanks

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  23. peapod travel bed p204

    I believe other sorts of internet site owners should consider this valuable homepage as a model. Unbelievably clean and user-friendly design, and moreover remarkable content and articles! You are an authority within this subject matter 🙂

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