iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
16,846 Blog Posts

A Gentleman’s Guide to Thanksgiving Decorum

I like to consider myself to be an expert in decorum. Lucky for you, I am going to share some of my secrets, in order to help you socialize during tomorrow’s Thanksgiving feast.

When hosting, be sure to address each person who enters your home by their proper surname, even if it’s your mother and father.

Example: “Good afternoon Mr. Thomson. I am so happy you could attend, accompanied by the venerable Mrs. Thomson.”

Immediately have someone fetch their outer-garments, then invite them to your parlour for refreshments.

Example: “Mr. and Mrs Thomson, please join me in the parlour. Can I offer you some wine or perhaps something stronger?”

After your guests have loosened up, serve appetizers and ask that they make a small donation to your favorite charity.

Example: “Mr. Thomson, please have a meatball, they’re delectable. They’re made from kobe. Also, let me offer you an opportunity to be charitable. Are you aware that children in Africa do not celebrate Thanksgiving?” (then proceed with sales pitch)

After you’ve achieved your philanthropic goals, ask everyone to sit and prepare for dinner.

Example: “Gentlemen and ladies in attendance, please join me in the dining area, where we will be serving a freshly slaughtered, organic, free range, stuffed bird, cranned berried sauce and other fine delicacies.”

Once seated and served, ask that everyone join hands to say grace. You will perform this function, and do so with the professional acumen that comes natural to you.

Example: “Dear Turkey Gods, thank you for all of this food on this table. I particularly would like to thank you for inventing cranned berried sauce and stuffing. I will be sure to douse your body with gravy and devour you whole. A-fucking-men.” (apologize to the children immediately)

While at the table, small talk is important. Try to address your guests with respect, but let them know who’s boss. It’s also important to frame your sentences in a way that demands a response, in order to keep the party vibrant.

Example: “Mrs. Thomson, would you be kind enough to pass me the gravy, okay, pal? Mr. Thomson, do you see those biscuits over there? Would you be a champ and get them for me? I greatly appreciate your assistance, thanks skip.”

After dinner, dismiss the women from the table, so that they might clean up. Ask for refreshments too.

Example: “Okay ladies, please allow the men to mingle in bitter solitude for a few moments. Dear (referring to wife), go get us some Port and a box of cigars. Mrs. Thomson, make yourself at home. There are plenty of aprons under the sink, if you need one.”

After you’ve had a nice cigar and some dessert wine, re-invite the ladies to join the men in the drawing room to discuss politics and religion.

Example: “Ladies, if you’re done cleaning up, please join us in the drawing room for casual discussion. Mrs. Thomson, how do you feel about Islam?”

Now it’s time to wind down operations. But it’s important to do so without looking rude. You do not want your guests to feel as if you’re kicking them out.

Make believe your pocket-watch isn’t working, tapping on it, complaining “this darn thing stopped working again. Can anyone be so kind as to tell me what time is it?” After hearing the time, address a guest in a specific manner to make her feel as if she’s intruding, but do so without her knowing it is intentional.

Example: “Mrs. Thomson, do you have many things to do tomorrow morning? My wife has been complaining to me all week about getting an early start on this Black Friday thing. Do you intend to wake up with the roosters and join the frenzy?”

When saying goodbye to your guests, be sure to offer parting compliments, prior to waving your hand as they drive away.

Example: “Thank you so much for dining with us tonight Mr. Thomson. Your wife. Ms. (emphasis on Ms.) Thomson looked especially elegant this evening with her costume. Is this Hermes, Ms. Thomson? (As they drive away, while waving and smiling profusely, yell out “Ciao.”

Happy Thanksgiving.

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53 comments

  1. clegger_2000

    You are a hoot! Have a great Thanksgiving!

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  2. _srd4_

    Example: “Good afternoon Mr. Thomson. I am so happy you were able to attend, accompanied by Mrs. Thomson.” – urmm “were”? as in past tense? No. Wrong.

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  3. Miss Manners

    The correct salutation upon departure is “Ciao Ciao”

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  4. Baron the Barbar, Saint Clause, Herzog upon Wynnsor

    RFLOL.

    Maybe I’ll defer on Sharia questions until 2016 when HOBOma obtains his 3rd term.

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  5. republicat

    I’m laughing so hard I have a buzz!

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  6. tm

    Now, if that scene were at Bernanke’s house, once one of the women brought out the box of cigars, they would then dim the lights and create some cocaine-infused blunts. And then the party would likely evolve into some type of orgy, or “clam bang” wherein one or more hookers get accidentally killed.

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  7. Rollo Tomasi

    Example: “Mr. Thomson, please have a meatball, they’re delectable. They’re made from kobe. Also, let me offer you an opportunity to be charitable. Are you aware that our 401K Plan has been decimated by Obama’s assualt on coal companies, would you care to help provide for a PPT subscription?” (then proceed with sales pitch)

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  8. Rhino

    This is fucking awesome.

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  9. Anton

    May a Happy Thanksgiving be visited upon the House of Fly, and across the estates of the Tabbed Bloggers.

    “Ciao!”

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  10. En1gma

    best post ever

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  11. Youknowitsme

    “Good afternoon Mr. Thomson. I am so happy you could attend, accompanied by the venerable Mrs. Thomson, who has, by the way, an enormous rack.”

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  12. MX2101

    A thought…
    For what crime is the turkey pardoned?

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  13. KDog

    “…dismiss the women from the table, so that they might clean up. Ask for refreshments too.”

    Don’t you have “the help” handle this in your house? Surely your wife doesn’t handle suchness.

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  14. DaveyNC

    I would pay a princely sum to attend your table at Thansgiving.

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  15. dominator

    Fly- imo this is your funniest post since I joined IBC in Feb. Great stuff.

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  16. dominator

    oh, and happy Tday to you and yours……

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  17. unclehar

    What are we to do tomorrow? those of us who are not eating turkey? One would think the one day you are closed could find us an opportunity, but no. Enjoy the best holiday of the year folks.

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  18. Paul

    Don’t forget the Stilton cheese with the port.

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  19. ElizaMae

    I will be laughing throughout dinner tomorrow about “cranned berried sauce”.

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  20. Raul3

    I’m certain this decorum etiquette came after thorough consultation from Jason Treu.

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  21. jimmy_two_times

    A masterpiece. I actually use the “drawing” into which the men retire to for port, cognac (finest Nigerian one for those donkeys who can’t tell the difference) and cigars. As with the beverages, there is preferred stock Robana Vegas and Cohibas, then for the chuckers a beautiful wine tipped Old Port..

    Happy Tday

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  22. The Plumber's Crack
    The Plumber's Crack

    Thanks for the examples. I’ll be sure to use them tomorrow.

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  23. The Eye-Talian Stallion
    The Eye-Talian Stallion

    Reminds me of the MarxBros.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcbglml9KRo&feature=related

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  24. flyaway18

    Happy Thanksgiving, Fly,to you and yours!

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  25. Zzzdoc

    Happy thanksgiving to all!
    zzz

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  26. Narwahl

    I much prefer this piece to the work of Dale Carnegie. Very fine writing, sir.

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  27. The Earl of Muff

    The Mexican house staff does not work on Thanksgiving

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  28. mallefan4life

    Hmmm…I would have addressed my wife as “Pal”. Example: Example: “Okay ladies, please allow the men to mingle in bitter solitude for a few moments. Dear Pal, go get us some Port and a box of cigars. Mrs. Thomson, make yourself at home. There are plenty of aprons under the sink, if you need one.”
    Other than that, priceless. Happy “T” Day to all.

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  29. Narwahl

    God, I love Jeff Goldblum.

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  30. trade_drunk

    Bravo…

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  31. JV

    *There are plenty of aprons under the sink, if you need one* LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL x infinity….

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  32. razorsedge

    funny… very funny.

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  33. MX2101

    Around here, a “yes ma’am” reply to Girlfriend Dearest is good for about six hours of ire.

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  34. eagle

    Who’ Karmin? Nephew singing with them today on a duck.

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  35. TurkeysLocal404

    Before breaking bread, “Let us take a moment to pray for those less fortunate who could not be here today because they are working at Walmart for $9/hr and no benefits. Also, pray for the airline pilots who have to endure salaries of $150K and double time to work on this most sacred family holiday.

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  36. Woodshedder

    lol. Well done.

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  37. Mr. Cain Thaler

    I’m laughing so hard, my chest is heaving.

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  38. Dubz

    That as fucking funny.

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  39. The Hammer

    Excellent advice, as always. I love the “cranned berry” sauce, and the genteel way of asking for assistance, followed by “okay, pal.” Happy Thanksgiving to you, Monsieur Le Fly, and the great Chess, and RC, Wood, Cain, Scott, the Senator, Vincenzo, and the whole ibc crew!

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  40. The_Real_Hmmm

    I know for a fact that the Thompson family is of the highest decorum.

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  41. fake amish

    Have a good stuff the face then wait for the socialist market carpet bomb. Do you know what happens to a market that has not seen a tax hike(dividends capital gains) in how many decades? Then has to deal with 0care. All the hope and changers out there please go all in. This is what you wanted.

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  42. fake amish

    This is truly an historic moment. The dicksuckers own this tape. It is yours. Happy fucking holidays. Gonna be wild no doubt.

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  43. Caicos

    MCP watch this stock for big gains today.

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