They are being manned by dwarfs, cutting off the dicks of those who bet against Ben.
Based upon the laws of mathematics, you’ve been chequemated, yet again.
With grace and on behalf of professional money managers everywhere, I accept today’s gains and will donate a portion received to the ORBITAL SPACE CANNON PROJECT (OSCP), to be used for offensive purposes only.
If you think your day is going bad, short stocks like some sort of lemon head, take solace in knowing your local farmer is on the cusp of absolute ruin, losing his ENTIRE corn crop, starving America in the process. Why, without high fructose corn syrup, this nation will descend into violent revolt!
To be clear, you’ve been dispatched; but the day is young. Ben is gonna empty his ashtray on your head.