The Important Matter of Mr. Doodles

Mr. Doodles was enjoying a generous serving of saltine crackers, cheddar cheese and a tall glass of water, at his dining room table, when his furnace rudely exploded. Quickly, he finished the plate of saltines, grabbed the cheese knife and glass of water, then raced over to the furnace, which had caught fire from the explosion. Thinking fast, Mr. Doodles threw his glass of water at the blaze, put his cheese knife on top of the flaming furnace, then waited for results.

Unfortunately, it had no effect.

Still quick on his toes, Mr. Doodles raced upstairs to get a fire extinguisher, that he kept neatly tucked away in the attic. Before grabbing the fire extinguisher, he went to his computer and checked on some emails, in a rushed fashion of course, for he was expecting some sort of very important reply. Cognizant of the task at hand, Mr. Doodles grabbed the fire extinguisher and hurried downstairs to fight the blaze.

When he got there, much to his chagrin, half of the furnace room was set ablaze and spreading fast to the living room. In valorous fashion, at the top of his lungs, he yelled at the blaze, saying: “Who art thou approaching my plasma television? I shall slay thee with this vat of foam!”

Before he uttered another word, the telephone in the dining room rang out. Quickly, he dropped the fire extinguisher and raced for the phone. He chatted away for about 5 minutes, while chewing on some saltines. Then he excused himself, exclaiming: “I art thou a fucking blaze to extinguish.”

By now, the blaze had spread to his living room and was about to devour his prized plasma television and silly DVD collection.

Mr. Doodles, with the firmness of a penis under the influence of 10 viagra pills, picked up the fire extinguisher and shouted out: “Thou art as good as a cadaver, old blaze. I shall slay you where you stand.” However, at that very moment, Mr. Doodles felt like smoking a cigarette.

Hurried, Mr. Doodles took out a Pall Mall cigarette and used the adjacent blaze to light it. Frantically and furiously, he puffed away at his cigarette, while watching and cursing the wretched blaze, as it spread from room to room, ripping through all of Mr. Doodles’ prized possessions, including his silly DVD collection.

Finally, he finished the much needed cigarette, and said to the blaze: “Motherfucker, I shall blow thee to the cliff and laugh at your burial. Prepare for death!”

With grit and determination, Mr. Doodles picked up the fire extinguisher and began to douse the stubborn inferno, with great zeal. Elated in triumph, Mr. Doodles sang songs of victory, as he put down the conflagration; when all of a sudden, a secondary explosion occurred in the furnace room, sending his cheese knife whizzing to his person, conclusively cutting off his cock.

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