Step Aside, Son

The market is in the midst of a correction. Q1 is over and everyone is running for the exits. You don’t see it yet in the Dow; but it will surface soon. Look at former hedge fund hotels, like AAPL and all metals–getting their clocks cleaned cold.

High fliers like CREE are decidedly lower and MDB sponsored scam stocks have reversed lower, killing investors along the way (UNXL, PAMT).

Now is not the time for froth mouthed boat stock investing. Now is the time for discretion. While it’s true, I own close to a million shares of FRO, it’s also true that I have 65% of my assets locked in cash. Plus, I have more than 15% of my book short, leaving me with very little equity exposure. Some of the stocks left in the books are of the old man varietal, like KMB, CHD, WM and PEP.

Ignore the casinos like VHC and hunker down, small plebs., for the month of April brings surprises in the form of Jack in the Box styled punches to the face.

At least you are keen to the plot, all thanks to me.

I sold short moar AG because silver is retarded and heading lower.

Before I get into it, KWK executed an asset sale today, sending the stock up by 20%. Expect more of this to occur in the oil and gas space. I’d be shocked if CWEI didn’t raise significant capital through asset sales over the next 3 months.

With the market trading down, I am building a watchlist of stocks worth purchasing on a dip.

I like RAS, BX, WETF, APO, USG and AAPL. There are other stocks that will make the list, undoubtedly. But none of these stocks will be worth anything to me unless they trade lower.

As an investor or trader, who is smartly in cash, North Korea is a friend. Let’s hope they are able to “sabre rattle” the markets lower. Let us pray to the old and the new Gods that Cyprus devolves into anarchy, sending Europe into a stupefied state of collapse.

We want to buy margin liquidations, nothing more or less. When Wall Street is flooded with the tears of the overzealous, it will be time to buy.

Until then, “The Fly” will be biding his time, maneuvering amidst the fog of war, plotting and scheming his way to unrivaled decadence and hedonistic, pornographic, luxury.

The market is overheated, but do not expect anything dramatic. Over the past 7 years, the market has been up in 6.

The trend for the general market is higher. But there are bear markets within it. Case in point: silver miners, coal,  iron etc.

In short, I am expecting a minor pullback. We might drop 5% inside of the next two weeks, but recover it by month’s end. If your time frame is longer term, these moves are immaterial to you. For now, I am 65% cash, long a few boats stocks, and short AG, CCL, and JCP.

I must admit, deep, deep down, there is a part of me that feels bad about my Easter Bunny/Zombie Jesus post. But then again, I am a sinner. I sin, then sin some more. I try to do good; but always find myself kicking old men down sewer pipes or illegal mexicans into active lawnmower blades.

Look at the President of Cypress. This fine chap, leader of his cigarette smoking clan, transferred tens of millions of personal and family funds out of the country, just days before the banks closed. It’s comedic, really. The gall of this guy to balls up leave his country at a time of extreme suffering and misery. I do not exaggerate or act in a morally insane manner when I say “this man should be executed by his own people.”

The olive oiled people of Cypress need to rise up and roll out the French Guillotines into the city square. Then, they need to hold express court hearings, sentencing everyone who is to blame to a quick and bloody death. For the love of God, the insanity needs to end and bloodshed and mayhem needs to begin.

Now don’t you go involving us Americans with your stupid European financial crisis. Although we are loaded to the gils with bad debt, we are the currency reserve and can print as much as our black hearts desire. If you should, by chance, decide we are NOT the currency reserve, we will send our F-22s to your capitol to blow it away.

This upsets the smallest plebs, the lowest of the low vagrants, who are “invested” in bitcoins. Dare I say, you would be better off traveling back in time and asking Bernie Maddoff to manage your money, than to have anything placed in a bitcoin. The nerve of you.

Don’t even bother asking me about stocks. I am expecting a pullback, but wouldn’t be surprised to see it rise in the face of unimaginable horror.

The market rising amidst bad news is no different from someone approaching you on the train and jerking off in your face.

What are you gonna do about it? Cut off dicks?

Then get short. Start with silver.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5xqxzjuKxw

Two thousand years ago today, the son of God became a zombie.

Zombie Jesus was pissed off because some greasy Italians had tortured and killed him. Being the son of God and all, he came back as “Zombie Jesus” to exact revenge on his enemies. Rumor has it, Zombie Jesus liked to catch his prey when they least expected it, on fishing boats, hot air balloons and even in outerspace.

One time he parted the sea and ate a Roman solider, who was scuba diving, looking at the pretty fish.

About 1,000 years after Zombie Jesus exacted revenge on the people who tortured and killed him, while in heaven, he created a man-sized rabbit to descend upon his enemies and dubbed it “The Easter Bunny.” Back in the old days, before the Easter Bunny was gentrified, doling out chocolates to well behaved Christian boys and girls, he’d bite off the heads (like a carrot) of the descendants of the original Roman soldiers who killed him.

A long time ago, every Easter, the city of Rome was wrapped in fear, as no one really knew who was related to those original Roman soldiers. They’d hide themselves inside cupboards, amphoras and sewers, to escape the Easter wrath.  For Italian citizens, it was like playing the Wheel of Fortune, with the grande prize being a hideous bunny rabbit gnawing away at your head, like a carrot, until you dropped dead. This went on for many centuries until chocolate was invented.

Jesus loved chocolate so much, he became addicted to it. God would always tell him “to lay off that stuff. It will rot your teeth.” Jesus ignored his Father’s wishes and kept eating chocolate, until one day God snatched away his chocolate cows and sent him to his room to do penance for disobeying him. When it was time for the annual Easter killings to commence, Jesus was nowhere to be found. The Easter Bunny searched for him high and low; but God hid him well.

The Easter Bunny became panicked and started to spaz out in heaven, punching angels in the face and what not. Then he spotted Jesus’ chocolate cow, which was hidden behind the tablets of the 10 commandments. It was at that point that he knew Jesus had been punished by God and this pissed him off. He took the chocolate cow and made millions of pieces of chocolate, in his likeness, with it. After all, it was Jesus’ favorite food.

He then delivered the chocolate to millions of human children, God’s favorite form of human.

When God found out about this, he was pissed off- but could do nothing to stop The Easter Bunny, for he was hidden in Jesus’ old hiding spot, unknown by God. The Easter Bunny sent a letter to God, saying “release Jesus, or else every Easter I will deliver the chocolate cow pieces to millions of human boys and girls, much to your chagrin.”

God replied by making rabbit the preferred protein for the country of France.

To this day, Jesus is tucked away in his room, doing penance and The Easter Bunny is running amok, dropping off chocolate cow pieces to children all across the globe.

Now you know the true definition of Easter.

When I asked you what were your favorite picks, I had no idea that you’d have any. I envisioned most of you finding picks out of the litter or worse, perhaps from Twitter, provided for an audience of chart chomping imbeciles. Bravo! to those of you who think before investing. I have nothing but admiration and respect for those who are able to ignore base instincts and live freely, think freely and wear outer garments befitting of a man mature enough to operate machinery or enjoy the arts.

As such, I’ve been tracking what the “smart money” has been buying/selling for a long time, not because they are better–but because they have more resources than most to isolate good ideas.

The following is a list of the top hedge funds/investment companies in America and their top two picks, defined by monetary value.

The data was compiled by the friendly robots inside of The PPT.

Pershing Square: CP, PG

York Capital: RLGY, HTZ

Omega Advisors: S, SLM

Odey: SIG, PHM

Appaloosa: UAL, LCC

Third Point: YHOO, AIG

Tiger Global: YNDX, GRPN

Eminence: AAP, G

Jana: AGU, QEP

Glenview: LIFE, THC

Citadel: MS, PRU

Viking Global: NWSA, DHR

Pine River: NLY, OCN

Litespeed: MIC, DMND

Canyon Advisers: CCO, CMLS

Berkshire Hathaway: WFC, KO

Fairholme: AIG, SHLD

Redwood: CPF, GPRE

Maverick: RL, M

Silverpoint: DLPH, NXST

Oxford Asset Management: NYX, PXP

Perry Capital: LAMR, NRG

Egerton Capital: WSM, SIG

Greenlight Capital: GM, MRVL

New Mountain: SEMG, ACIW

Elliot Management: DLPH, BMC

Hudson Bay: CVI, SHS

SAC Capital: SHW, SIRI

Blackstone: FSL, NLSN

Apollo: LYB, RLGY

Oaktree: CHTR, FBP

Carlyle: FSL, ALSN

KKR: HCA, DG

Fortress: NSM, BKD

Waddell and Reed: CBS, WYNN

Hayman Capital: NSM, NCT

Goldman Sachs: BHP, MRC

Columbus Hill: MMR, SEMG

Discovery Capital Management: PANL, YNDX

Landsdowne: NKE, DAL

Senator Investment Group: ICE, ADT

Visium Asset Management: WCRX, ENDP

Blue Harbor: CACI, IGTE

AJO: MPC, VLO

Baine Capital: HCA, ST

Icahn: CVI, CHK

Paulson: LIFE, S

I am going to let this post marinate for a day or so; therefore, I expect some reader participation. After banning over 1,300 readers from accessing iBankCoin, coupled with Twitter, PPT and 12631 active forums, this blog has become an absolute disgrace, completely unbefitting of a man, such as myself. I’ve done blown up this place to smithereens.

My top pick is to be short of AG in bitcoin terms.

Why even bother shorting stocks? You have to be a half-retard to even think about shorting stocks, while the government is forcing them higher. As you can see, not all boats rise in tandem. This year is all about punching the nerds at AAPL in the god damned face because their leader died of cancer. All monies have been withdrawn from AAPL and placed into consumer staples, like KMB (long for 20+ points), K, GIS etc. If you eat it at home, the stock is up.

It’s amazing to see these stodgy stocks rip mustaches off, at a time when global demand is tepid. Perhaps the old aged homes have finally moved away from bonds and into dividend paying blue chips. Either way, that’s where the easy money is being made in 2013.

Just because I went to cash doesn’t mean that I am expecting the market to plummet. Quite the contrary, my brainless friend. I can’t catch the top. I’ve tried for nearly two decades and have always failed to time the top to its exact pinnacle. However, I am really good at knowing when the tide is about to shift, generally speaking.

We are in the 8th inning of this run. When it ends, we will have an orderly decline, which will cleanse the market of speculative excess, allowing the patient, smart, money to buy back in cheaper.

I realize many people believe the same thing and it’s sort of cliche to say “wait for a pullback.” But the seasons have changed and soon enough it will be time to go away for summer vacations. After such a gangbuster Q1, it’s only a matter of time until the collective decides to lock in gains and coast for the remainder of spring and summer.

Good news everyone: the economy didn’t “retard” in the fourth quarter of 2012, it grew by an astounding 0.4%. Now you know why the market has been ripping higher, as this high octane economy roars on all cylinders. Sporting world class growth, I see no reason why the stock market can’t climb another 40-50%, over the next 3-6 months.

Robots are the leading source of new hires in the economy, as highly efficient androids replace the fat slobs from the midwest and south to create a more efficient and profitable corporate American hegemony. Profits are up more than 3%, on the corporate level, since 2011.

Critics say “corporate America is milking the last bit of milk from the stone, at the same time smashing people’s heads in with the stone.” To those critics, I say: there isn’t any milk inside of stones. Milk comes from the tits of cows and other mammals like them.

The simple fact of the matter is, America is a country filled with “Simple Jacks”, people meandering around town, partaking in debauchery–bungie jumping into cinderblocks. Machines don’t call in sick or have intercourse in the conference room at X-mas parties. As a matter of fact, machines think X-mas parties are the stupidest thing in the whole, wide, world.