(EXPLETIVE DELETED)

First let me start off by saying I made a little less than 1% today. The market showed incredible resilience and we should continue to press forward to the dismay of THE FUCKING ASSHOLE COCKSUCKERS who want it to go down.

Now for my rant.

I would like nothing more than to drive a fucking rail spike into the skeletons of whoever is shorting YELP into dust. This fucking stock is my albatross. It is everything that is good about the internet, enveloped in a fucking time bomb of a stock that represents everything that is wrong on Wall Street. Fucking me.

It started the day down, then slowly crept higher throughout the session. By mid-afternoon, the stock was clearly in rally mode, on the precipice of breaking necks and spines, having a grande olde time of things. But then the fucking vampires hit the stock at the end of the day, erasing a .70 rally to ZILCH.

THE FUCKING STOCK, AS UNBELIEVABLE AS IT MAY SEEM, CLOSED FLAT FOR THE FUCKING DAY, extending its losing streak to a GAGILLION days without a single uptick. Frankly, and very sincerely, I’m inclined to commit murder because of this equity. That might seem far fetched to some of you cow-tippers out there, church boys, charitable in all walks of life. But “The Fly” descends from a place where bullets grazed his temple as a child and fists made of metal smashed into his anatomy, testing his resolve, in the ultimate example of Darwinism.

My heart is made from black gunpowder and my brain is a computer that does not understand what the emotion of “empathy” means. Should I roll into 5/2 (YELP’s earnings day) down 10% in the stock, ahead of earnings that could potentially rip the stock into tiny little shreds, I am going to lose control of my senses and hurt many of you. I am sorry to tell you this, but your lives are in grave danger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qz0PgqrXd0

ATTENTION SHORT SELLERS:

The market is defying all of the laws of economics, thoroughly preached by the Karl’s of the world, clamoring for death and mayhem. Although Obama is shredding the constitution, the market seems to be enjoying it. Dare I say the constitution is an ass? I dare, indeud.

All we care about here is higher equity prices. If we have to get it by throwing fistfuls of cocaine into rapidly spinning fans, so be it. It is my right, as a gentleman of honour and liberty, to exercise my democratic abilities through the banking of profuse amounts of coinage, to be placed into my purse (no homo!) for the explicit purposes of rapid spending sprees.

Some of you gallivant around town, acquiring sculptures and ancient pieces of art. “The Fly” is only interested in old newspapers, algorithms and building internet “deathrays.”

If you are short stock and get the feeling your abode is being lowered into a monstrous sized vat of hot oil, that’s because it is!

PREPARE TO FLOUR YOURSELVES AND BE DEVOURED BY SAVAGE CHINAMEN INSIDE OF HUMAN CANNIBALISM SHOPPES, DRINKING MUGS OF URINE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xeTWO7dofhs

I added to my positions, most tenderly in NXPI due to earnings being reported today after the bell. Although I am bullish on NXPI, due to their AAPL exposure, I fucking hate earnings.

The jobless claims data was soft again, setting up for more panic–fueled by the “recession now” camp. In case you haven’t noticed, we go through these spates of fret on an annual basis. The economy is soft during the melancholy months of the summer; you’re going to have to learn to accept that. When the winds turn brisk and the frost in NYC sets in, the economy will be on fucking fire again. If not, I can guarantee the imperious Mr. Bernanke will intervene at our behest.

Across the board, earnings are coming in better than expected, almost at an 80% clip. The Devil’s stock, VHC, is shooting higher this morning, alongside a slew of tech names, like EQIX, STMP, NUAN, EA, CTXS, CRUS and XLNX.

Shares in Europe are getting hit again, spearheaded lower by the drunkards in Spain. Now European sovereign yields are barely higher, so the sell off is not being fueled by EU collapse concerns. Instead, I reckon, investors are taking money out of stocks and shoveling it into the fireplaces of “risk off” sovereign bonds in the US, Germany and the UK. For now, those fireplaces are not lit and “risk off” money is safe–strewn out across the dry logs and tinder.

With my money, however, I rather be long a portfolio of “grandpa stocks”, yielding 3%+, with a blend of jet fuel to make it interesting. Stocks like MJN, PEP, EXK and GIS are of great interest to me, especially during the months when the double dippers are running rampant, naked, and stupid.

Here we go again. SeekingAlpha is the #1 website in America for jaded opinions, disseminated by short sellers trying to manipulate stocks lower. Yahoo lists SeekingAlpha as one of their select financial “news” sites, custom tailored for the ignorant fuckers who roam their message boards.

After the bell, a gentleman who goes by the name Kofi Bofah published a ridiculously biased hit piece on SeekingAlpha, which was aggregated into Yahoo finance’s “news” feed, where millions traffic daily.

Being the internet anchor man that he is, Kofi starts off his “news” piece objectively, declaring:

“Similar to pets.com, Yelp (YELP) is a dog of a stock. Certainly, Web 2.0 and pets.com reincarnated supporters will bark, wail, yelp, beg, scratch, and claw for this stock to remain relevant, right before things hit the fan, shares collapse, and Yelp positions go out with a whimper. Yet again, we are forced to deconstruct the economic merit of another novel Internet idea that went public and cashed out for $1 billion at the top. Accommodative Federal Reserve Board policies, alongside unrealistic business expectations, serve as catalysts to lead us on this death march toward zero.”

Need I say more?

In his article he discusses Yelp’s business model as if he had an idea of what he spoke about, with regards to internet properties. He is viewing Yelp through a flawed prism, one that looks at Yelp the same way as PG or GM. This isn’t Pets.com or some niche brand trying to get liquid on unassuming investors. This is a fucking brand that transcends the love for filthy animals and gives freedom to those who wish to critique bullshit restaurants whenever they deem fit. Gone are the days when Zagat had their homosexual grips on the minds of foodies.

Yelp is here to stay and the stock price, eventually, is going to trade much, much higher.

Having said that, the company is young and they haven’t figured out a way to profit from their viral internet presence. Understand something, YELP is a verb. It is one of the most downloaded apps and visited websites in the country. The move to smartphones and social networking is in its nascency. To say this company is heading towards an eventual march to zero is slanderous and worth calling this fucker out for it.

Back to Kofi. He discloses that he’s an investment advisor at a firm named Onyx Investments. So he manages money for clients and writes these hit pieces, yet discloses zero position in the stocks that he mentions. Odd, isn’t it? What the fuck is Kofi up to anyway?

Let’s have a looksy at Kofi’s track record.

Hit piece on AAPL
Hit piece on BBY
Hit piece on GRPN
Hit piece on Facebook
Hit piece on The United States of America

I could go on and on. He has always been bearish, dating back to the market lows of 2009. He was a bearshitter then and a bearshitter now. This fucker was declaring GOOG all but dead in 2009 and how WalMart’s profits equated to the death of America. Truly, this is a sick man and I find it to be reprehensible that SeekingAlpha has the platform and reach that is provided for them by the hacks over at Yahoo finance. Yahoo should drop these clowns yesterday and go back to listing news under the fucking news section and not some opinionated jackass with an ax to grind and a piker book to run into the ground, at the expense of an already jaded crowd of burlap wearing bearshitters at Yahoo’s disgusting message boards.

With today’s purchases of NXPI and AAPL, I am 100% long. In other words, I am setting myself up for such a beat down, my reincarnated future soul will feel the after-shocks. I don’t pretend to have all of the answers, just 99% of them.

This time around, I find myself sashaying, almost floating above the ground, long grandpa stocks. That’s right, Le Fly is in his rocking chair, carving his “throwing stick” with a rambo knife, donning an authentic AFRICAN MASK. Thanks to YELP, my gains have been more than halved, putting my gains to +9% for the year. With the addition of my rocking chair portfolio, I expect to recover anywhere from 1-3% over the next month or two. The rest of my psychopathic stocks will either offset that or fuel my winship to new levels.

I made a premeditated decision to “ride or die” because that’s what Space Alien Magicians (SAM’s) do. We travel from galaxy to galaxy, sapping resources, ejecting fuckers from 0hio into outerspace, sans space suit, and generally have fun doing it. But this go around has been vexing for me. On Jupiter’s Stone and the eyes of Poseidon, I loathe this market with ever fiber of my existence. It has hoodwinked and swindled me for more than a year, a dry spell a person such as myself could not stand to bear for more than 2 or 3 weeks, let alone 20 times that.

Until I find a market I am willing to river boat gamble in, I shall endeavor to collect my dividends, vote at shareholder meetings and CRY FOUL, while furiously and energetically waiving my certs at the board of directors– when spending gets out of line at my grandfather investments.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkxxBxeqMJ8

I bought AAPL and NXPI.

The numbers were incredible and Tim Cook now has $112 billion to eventually squander. As he plots the demise of Apple, the stock still has a run left in it. Moreover, so do AAPL derivative plays, such as AVGO, CRUS, NXPI, GLW, OVTI, ARMH and even SNDK. I am certain SNDK will somehow weasel their way into the Cook household for the iPhone 5.

Durable goods numbers were really bad, the worst since 2009.

We’re fucked.

Bernanke will speak today, clamming it up for the whole world to see. Expect nothing but the truth: Fed policy will remain loose forever because…we’re fucked.

Now Europe is off to the races and US futures are higher, so this should be a grande day.  Like I said in a previous post, the bears should die today, set aflame in a rustic style, via BBQ charcoals to the face and chest.

While I prepare the flammables for immediate use, BEHOLD the spectacular magnificence that was and is Steve Jobs.

NOTE: BEWARE OF THE FUCKING TOTEM POLE!!! (coming soon to iBC)

The Apple numbers were nothing short of staggering. The weakness started when the jackasses over at SNDK warned of how badly they sucked and how their handset sales were in the gutter. What people do not realize is the non-existent exposure SNDK has to AAPL. If you want a real levered play to AAPL, look at AVGO.

The SNDK numbers meant nothing. AAPL is Godzilla and everyone else is Japan. Therefore, it is my belief Godzilla will stomp out some fucking buildings tomorrow and eat the people inside of them, using giant antennas as toothpicks. Tech should rally, led by chips. But it might be a one day event, which is why I am heavily long grandpa stocks, like GIS, KMB and WM.

For the month of May, I am cautiously optimistic, with a paranoid eyeball fixed on the ongoings in Europe.

Off for a late night ride in my new calash.

I had another gay day at the office, sustained by infuriating losses in YELP. I do not wish to talk about it right now.

Nothing else matters but AAPL’s quarterly report.

Popcorn time.