A Letter to Mr. Lewis

Dear Mr. Lewis,

I require fancy things, because I am accustomed to such niceties. Prior to receiving my services, I request several things from your embattled firm, which are, as a point in fact, non-negotiable.

The interior of my office is to be laced with pearls and my desk must be of the antique variety, preferably colonial era zebrawood. My wife says I look good tanned next to zebrawood.

Once inside my office, I must feel captivated by the decadence of 17th century Persian rugs, which can be acquired from the Newport Restoration Foundation. And, let’s not forget, I must have several chrystal chandeliers, made from Strass, all within 14.5 feet of each other, in order to capture the perfect lighting and establish proper ambiance.

My chairs must be from Africa, made from 100% pure ivory elephant tusks; and my bathroom is to be constructed with the rarest black Moroccan marble available, preferably from the Pietra Naturale quarries.

Last but not least, because I am an awfully busy, busy man, of great importance and consequence, I must be in possession of a regal commode—as I am too busy to walk to the rest room during work hours. See, I am in the business of creating wealth for the world and find it extraordinarily cumbersome to gallivant to the local bathroom, which is 20 feet from my desk.

When I have to go, I must go.

Oh, one more thing, I will also need all of the crown moldings and lamp shades replaced, with something of a French, 16th century flavor.

Be sure to spend no less than $1,220,000 on these small, minor luxuries. Remember, your company is in great need of my expertise and services.

After these demands are met, I shall endeavor to increase the quoted share price of your beleaguered firm, in exchange for a small stipend of only 300 million dollars in stock and cash bonuses.

All agreements and conditions of my employment shall be agreed upon under strict contract, which shall be forwarded to you from our legal department, by the end of today’s trading. Failure to live up to such said demands shall lead to my automatic resignation, by which your firm will be obligated to offer severance of 550 million dollars.

Good Day,

Mr. J. Alexander Thain

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[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kNBnX3N1Ask 450 300]

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What a fucking retarded tape. With GE and GOOG earnings ready to be released, prepare to get your face ran over by a lawn mower.

The only productive thing I did today was blow out of TNA and buy some cheap SRS. But, as sure as I’m sitting here, the market will pop like a box stuffed with defective dynamite sticks, based upon some better than expected erroneous GE report tomorrow. And, you know Jim “the midget” Goldman will suck the pants off of “The GOOG.”

Needless to say, I kept a bunch of longs, namely PFG, FAS and other unnamed stocks, not worth mentioning—since I failed to mention them prior.

At the end of the day, John Thain is a fucking lunatic, buying portable shit boxes, worth north of 35k. What the fuck happened to this country? We went from heroes to zeroes in one generation.

Finally, I am convinced, commercial Re will feel the blade of certain death, during the year of our Lord, 2009. To capitalize on such misery, I would like to unveil “THE REVERSE FOUR HORSEMEN OF CERTAIN DEATH, FIRE AND DESTRUCTION,” for 2009.

They are: FRT, ESS, MAC and SLG.

Short them good and often.

Be well, or not.

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[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5VxvF7DaCw&feature=channel_page 450 300]

Good Day to you Sir.

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Markets like this, everyone is a loser. Unless of course you are spinning around your 5 figure internet brokerage account 100mph, this tape is next to impossible to game. My first inclination, staying in cash, was the correct course of action.

Instead, I’ve been chasing my fucking tail around, like a wet dog, getting beat along the way.

The only silver lining to my recent moves: I kept many longs. The downside: I bought many shorts.

Who knows where this bitch of a whore of a tape will go next. All I know, this fucking cocksucking bastard will go lower, eventually.

Believe me, I am tempted to blow out of the FAS that I bought yesterday right now. As a matter of fact, if I sold right now, I would be booking a profit, which is unbelievable considering where it was earlier today. However, I do not trust anything. So, having both long and shorts is the equivalent of being in cash, providing the spreads are not out of whack.

Long story short: expect the best; but hope for the worst.

Until the voices in my head tell me to make a move, I will cling onto my cash position (12%), as if my balls were were dipped in turpentine then lit aflame.

Just get back in the fucking pipe drain you fucking troll.

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I equate this mornings rebalancing act to getting punched in the balls, then putting on a safety cup, after the fact.

Look, I will not get everything right, day in and day out. But, at the end of the proverbial day, “The Fly” wins all the time. If you are new to this site and do not believe me, go ahead, bet against me and see where it gets you.

Anyone can make a few pesos on a lucky trade or hot steak. Try doing this shit for a decade or longer, then get back to me.

Back to my point. Bob Doll, asshole CIO from BLK, is driving his company into the fucking ground, with his circle jerk bullishness. As far as assets under management, Bob is a fucking God, with more than $300 billion under his guard. However, every time that man gets on CNBC or Bloomberg, he reminds me of Bill Miller, constantly apologizing for the markets.

He is doomed for abject failure.

Without a doubt, it sucks big time to be in the “long only” asset management field. I never quite understood the rationale behind forcing managers to be 95% long or more, at all times. As a result of such inane rules, the collective 401k plans in America have been set back a good decade or two.

Well done.

I’m not calling for a huge crash or anything—not yet at least. With regards to today’s moves, I just needed to put some cash to work, in order to hedge my longs—for peace of mind, if anything.

As of yesterday’s close, I was up 14% year to date. I don’t want to give it back, due to some misguided emotional hunch on the market. I much rather tailor my investments to reflect the dire scenario the world finds itself in, economically.

When in doubt, slow shit down.

UPDATE: This is where your fucking tax dollars are going. You have to love Thain and his American Psycho ways.

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I sold out of my TNA, just south of $24.25.

I bought REW, just south of $81.40, SRS, south of  $61.90, DUG, south of $25.80 and EEV, south of $64.40. Also, almost forgot, I sold out of URE around $4.35.

Currently, I am 45% long, 40% short and 15% cash.

UPDATE: I sold out of ABB, just south of $12.30

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Fucking NYC weather is sadistic. My bones are still rattling from the cold weather. I need to get the hell out of New York, in exchange for some island—where I can throw sand at people and drink healthy servings of bourbon, while watching the sun set.

In other news, it appears I am going to get sucked back into the market, 100%. Today’s economic news (jobless claims, housing starts) is being viewed as bad. As a result, stocks are getting their faces punched in.

Much to my chagrin, I find myself saddled with a bunch of longs. To offset any further deterioration, I may be forced to spend the rest of my cash on shorts, namely DUG and FAZ.

Sure, I could fuck around with individual names. However, I took it upon myself to buy FAS, UYM, amongst others. Therefore, if I want to stop the bleeding, I am forced to take on some 200-300% downside etf’s, or just sell out of my longs.

I could sell the longs and just call it a day. But, I find it far more interesting to navigate the market with both long and shorts running simultaneously.

At the end of the day, this market is fit for the criminally insane. The daily fluctuations are enough to drive any man to a remote island in the Caribbean— for an extended vacation.

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Most of the time, short sellers are right. When you see a stock with a huge short position, it’s because intelligent people did the research to find out how bad the underlying company blows. However, during periods of glee and outright joy, heavily shorted stocks can provide traders with big dicked gains, in short order.

I compiled a short list of names worth perusing and monitoring, in the event the market rallies for more than 2 days. (Note: I have zero patience with heavily shorted stocks, mainly because they are ticking time bombs. If I am unable to catch the inflection point, most of the time, I sell heavily shorted names within 3 days—and move on.)

Remember, most of the stocks below are shorted for a reason. Failure to adhere to strict risk management guidelines can lead to your dumb ass getting “River Twiced” on such said names.

SYNA
CMG
FSYS
NFLX
LTM
FDS
UA
BKE
GNK
NRF
WNR

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Woodshedder special request:

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9WyW-LeVhs 450 300] [youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTGNEZARSdM 450 300] [youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uKnPB43Dog 450 300]

In other news, I am so glad, as well as comforted, that the old hack boss from Time Warner, Parsons, is the new Chairman of [[C]]. I am sure Carl Icahn is equally pleased, if not more!

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