Okay, I’ve had enough of being a sordid and cantankerous crotch. If America wants to be the boss, then that is her obligation, and I’m there for her. From here on out, I will cheer any and all publications that contain good “USA is the greatest” type of news. Why shouldn’t I?

Meanwhile, I swear I’ll laugh in the faces of asshats pushing the collapse of America because of silly reasons, like Europe. Europe is an infected contusion. A welt on the world’s scrotum. We came to this country to escape Europeans and their non-bathing ways, so why the hell should we care that their continent will cease to exist shortly?

America will still be here, hitting grand slams, because we invented baseball. And apple pie. And not sucking at things.

What did Europe invent? They invented crapes.

Mind you this doesn’t change my portfolio at all. I was never betting directly against the U.S. markets, only oil. And sometimes betting against the euro. Now that America is all badass and shit again, I know that the Europeans will have little choice but to lie down and accept our grandness. We demand a dollar so strong, a hobo with some begged-for change can purchase the finest chateau in the French Riviera.

It is our birthright, obviously.

And we also demand oil that flows in the streets. Gold paved streets. Gold paved streets with oil flowing down them.

Even now, the U.S. is putting its big, leather sole boot on the neck of our global inferiors, reminding them, “You are unfit to clean our urinals. That’s like a bidet for heterosexual men.” We will divide up all the world’s real energy sources amongst the other “less sucky” countries of China, Russia, and Germany at 30-40% discounts to current, market set rates.

Who are markets to deny us?

We get the oil, and Italy can keep the windmills, a source of “energy” that was very popular in the 1300’s.

Yessir, optimism is the way forward.

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In the spring of 2010, I was on a beach in Texas when the market rally; an inexplicable and massive run in prices into the new year and “new economy” of green shoots; came to a sudden and abrupt end with price collapse that had the market bleeding all over itself. The catalyst? Greece.

Through to the summer of 2011, an equally massive rally backed by our “continued progress since the Great Recession” was met with a brutal beat down delivered at the hands of reality and a European Debt Crisis that had lingered for over a year to that point. The catalyst? Italy.

And now I can add to my little history book; the winter of 2011 into the spring of 2012 and an equally gargantuan price rally in everything from commodities to equities, based solely on a misperception of currency debasement in the US (that isn’t happening) and some not-so-atrocious numbers that may have little bearing to the economy. How does this end?

Well, I’ve got my money betting that you’re wrong – again. What will be the catalyst? Uh, just throwing something out there but – Portugal? Maybe Greece…again. Or perhaps the whole EU just coming apart.

The point is, I’ve seen this song and dance routine before, and it’s awful. I’ve booed you off the stage twice now, but you keep getting back up thinking “he just doesn’t see all my talent.” Well, you’re right. Because you haven’t shown any talent. What’s more, I’ve seen that there’s nothing to see there either, and I’ll boo you off the stage again.

This time, stay the fuck off it.

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I’ve been in a very interesting meeting all morning concerning a certain reform that passed through the halls of Congress in 2009. It lasted for about an hour, and the implications of it are most intriguing. If they ever do get these exchanges up and running, I am going to have a blast watching people being filed into them getting screwed over.

That’s the thing about trying to slap a single unit of “value” on an array of products that are non-uniform (especially when that definition of value is incredibly, poorly defined). You get…inefficiencies…that can be exploited.

Ha! 2014 is going to be a shit show. There’s going to be so much movement going on, so much confusion, that there’s no way widespread abuse doesn’t come into play. Especially because the people trying to manage these exchanges don’t seem to have a clue about what it is they are doing.

The only comfort you might have is that everyone will be trying to do the same thing – so maybe you don’t notice the difference?

At any rate, I haven’t paid much attention to markets today. But I see oil, after faking you out, turned tail 180 degrees in a vertical nose dive. Ditto for the rest of the markets.

My opinion of equities and commodities has not changed in months. I’m holding short energy and oil because they are very overpriced. You can’t honestly expect to just ignore Europe. It isn’t going away, and it isn’t a small problem.

Bah! It’s no use arguing with you. I’ll just let you find out on your own.

I’m holding AEC, CLP, CCJ, SCO, ERY, physical silver, and a hefty cash position after selling out of BG and, late last year, AWK.

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So Freddie Mac got caught loading up the bus on derivatives that had them directly betting against the very taxpayers that their agency was designed to “protect.”

Do you understand how absolutely disgusting this is, or were you born in a hole in the ground?

Let me say it again. Freddie Mac was caught BETTING AGAINST YOUR ABILITY TO REFINANCE.

Freddie Mac has the power, in some situations, to deny people the ability to refinance.

You little OWS shits will jump up at the first sign of banks and private institutions doing the least act you deem “unlawful;” and your assessment of unlawful is pretty broad, including pretty much every action you don’t like even if it is legal. So where is the outrage here? You’d better be feeling it.

This organization was created in part to do exactly what half of you hand-out loving little bastards crave so much. Its sole purpose in life was to pave the way for people to get into homes beyond their means, and to do the paving with other people’s money. It was very successful at it.

Some bought the line, and were more than too willing to sell their life and limbs to the cause. They got wiped out.

Now, that very same entity has been busy directly destroying the people it was supposed to help. I guess you could call that poetry.

This quasi-private institution has now officially screwed over everyone that has ever dealt with it. Its reputation crushed the government officials who worked with it (Chris Dodd). Its share price decimated the investors who were foolish enough to trust it (Bill Miller). And now, it has turned on the very people it was intended to help (you, Joey Six-pack-a-day).

So yeah, let’s have some more of these fucking things running around. The European version of this model, the great EFSF, is gearing up for launch over across the Atlantic, assuming they ever do really launch it rather than endlessly talk about launching it. Let’s expand Sallie Mae’s god-damned budget while we’re at it so it can start bailout out all the poor anthropology majors of the world who ignored every warning before dropping $80k on that Doctorates. And China needs to join in on the fun too. I want a Chinese “private company” that has unlimited government approval and can buy up all the copper and oil in the world. It’s just so sweet when private money gets leveraged by these clowns in the name of “helping the little guy” and later on gets caught crushing them with impunity.

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Bruce Springsteen, coming soon to a March near you. It is the thirteenth sign.

I thought it would be June. Please check the 2012 predictions, as this means “The Boss” will most likely be dead by mid-summer, rather than the Fall.

Get your heart attack game on…

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Hey, do not concern yourself with Europe’s problems. If you want to escape that old sawmill, all you’ve got to do is throw money into China! China is flashy and new, with all the latest and greatest things to mesmerize you. So says Jim Rogers and other noted China bulls.

The fact that Chinese manufacturing continues to shrink at a rapid pace should not dissuade you in the slightest from throwing your life savings into their equity markets; which are of course guaranteed and well respected legal property, as dictated by the Chinese government. Chinese officials carry themselves with the utmost dignity and respect for their fellow man, and would never do anything that might be viewed as overstepping their bounds.

Never you mind that of China’s $1.2 trillion of exports, 20% of those sales go to the EU (before factoring in the UK), or that exports to the U.S. and the EU were down 12.5% and 19% last year, respectively. These are simply facts, and as everyone knows, China is impervious to facts.

In the golden land of China, Chinese officials do not just falsify reports and create phony statistics. The Party of Mao is so thoroughly in command of China that when unemployment is unsatisfactory and the government feels the need to print better numbers, a corresponding number Chinese people immediately find employment to satisfy those publications. Lesser nations have to spend months organizing labor and resources and managing production targets to achieve this end. But China is simply that much better.

Thus, Chinese officials always speak the truth. Unemployment in China persists because China does not wish to make the rest of the world feel inferior. It is their gift to us; but one day China will simply make it law that everyone in China has a job and is content, and then we will all be like “oh damn, I’m envious.”

Actually, China is so good, you should do more than simply buy their companies, with their crowning achievements of superior Eastern processes and zero error reporting. You should take the next step, and tie up 50% or more of your net worth into highly illiquid investments, like Chinese farmland.

Chinese people absolutely love it when foreigners buy up their ancestral homeland in huge swaths, especially when the Chinese overlords dictate that some of them should be unemployed and suffering, as a sort of fasting. When this happens, it never tempts them to encroach upon the absolute legal rights of the non-Chinese men and women who have seized their properties. As is well known, Chinese communists have incredible respect for property rights, especially of non-citizens.

But if this is not enough for you (and I know you may hardly be containing your excitement), then you can take it all one step further; move to China.

Chinese culture is one of the greatest in the world. From refreshing labor in FOXCONN facilities, to a wonderful 300 mph commute; from morning jogs through stimulating rain in Beijing, to a delicious cup of fetus soup on a chilly night; and all the greatest outlets for you to voice your non-native opinions – a permanent relocation to China is a successful choice for any aspiring investor.

If your Chinese farmland already has a homestead on it, then you are all set. However, should you find yourself in need of housing, it is your good fortune that China has many vacant locations for you to buy – literally entire cities of units, actually. This is because demand for Chinese housing in immense, but China foresaw this decades ago, and hence has managed to stay perfectly ahead of the curve.

The wonderful thing about Chinese housing is the poorly kept secret that no one ever loses money on it. In fact, to accentuate this point, China briefly made it illegal to sell your house for anything less…purely a joke, naturally.

What is certain is that, whether you are committed to a 100% Chinese investment lifestyle, or are just looking to grab yourself some rice paddies or tech companies, China will always be a good investment regardless of what the rest of the planet is doing, because they are totally isolated and in complete control of every aspect of their own nation.

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