President Barrack Obama
13:00 pm Speaking from the Rose Garden
My fellow Americans,
During this time of tribulation, our new national healthcare system stuck in a state of unworkability, it is the required duty of this office that I come forward and offer a few words of comfort for you, the People.
I wish first to assure each and every one of you that I had no idea this would happen. Really, I had no clue at all. The first I ever heard that there could be problems with the cornerstone of my administration and legacy came just weeks after its launch. I was sitting at home, watching foosballs and eating Fritos.
To that point, I had and have absolutely no idea what is going on. I’m just like each of you, in this respect. This is very important, as obviously you are not blaming yourself for this fallout.
To verify my ignorance, I refer each of you to the statements made earlier this week by HHS head Kathleen Sebelius. I wish to draw special attention to the point when she made clear the first I had heard of any of this was after the website launched and failed.
I would like to exclaim particular attention to the inference she makes that I am in no way knowledgeable about any of this. I would extrapolate that the clear context of these sentences is to suggest I am not culpable. Clearly, whoever crafted those sentences intended for you to reason out that she is also suggesting that she “may” be.
My staff tell me that each of you should be smart enough to reach this conclusion on your own, and that I do not need to remark on it in such an obvious manner. However, these were the same people that told me they knew how to launch a website…(the President gives a light laugh)
As for Mrs. Sebelius: as President, it is my unfortunate duty to remark at how horrible she is at her job, and give her all of the blame. Clearly she is totally incompetent.
However, I will not be firing her. You see, I have complete faith in her ability to see us through this – even though it completely and utterly falls on her shoulders and hers alone.
No one is more angry about all of this than I am. In fact, the only thing more than angry I am is completely unknowledgeable about any of it.
But I have a plan. It is a good one that I have come up with, now that I’ve been made aware of these problems of which I knew nothing about before just very recently.
I will now “surge” the confusing and technically complicated job with perhaps hundreds or even thousands of new faces. Where before there were merely overworked and modestly confused programmers, grappling with keeping track of everything, there will now be multiples of that number, each utterly baffled and totally ignorant of anything that has been heretofore done.
To give these new men and women room to maneuver, I am in the process of destroying the self esteem of over half of all staff presently working on the project. The other half I am of the mind will simply remove themselves from the process, out of sheer contempt for my administration and our eager willingness to scape goat them.
Following that, we will proceed to throw large sums of money at the problem, alternating between half halfheartedly addressing it or just ignoring it, hoping it will go away.
Some of you may be of the mind that this development could result in my becoming more responsible for this problem, now that so many new and totally uninformed hands will be touching the project.
Rest assured, my fellow Americans, that this is not the case. The presence of uninformed staff led by clueless heads of the HHS notwithstanding, throughout all of this, I promise you I will continue to be the least informed person.
Thank you, and bless America