DEVIL-DOG

Come out to play-ee-yay.

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I’ll have you know, this afternoon I offer you zero financial advice. Instead, I will inform the internets of my “unseemly,” yet entirely expected, string of unparalleled victories.

“The Fly” had his best day ever, with gains in excess of 17%. That’s right fuckfaces, 17%.

While it’s true, this victory was awfully pyrric, with irreversible damage done to the state of my internal organs, via last weeks “fuck you, you’re dead” collapse. Nonetheless, I won again and will continue to win, until my body is buried inside of a custom made pineapple coffin (“The Fly” has already reserved his final resting place, which happens to be a giant pineapple coffin).

All day, “The Fly” roamed his office, enrobed in triumph, dressed in the garments of a God, white robe and sandals.

In addition, he (“The Fly”), drank the sweet nectar of ambrosia, from his diamond encrusted chalice, while dumping the ashes of his aged cigar on top of Tim Knight’s bullshit blog page, which “The Fly” visits for laughs and humour [sic].

While many of you bears feel as if you have been dosed with hallucinogenic mushrooms, with the Dow closing up nearly 1,000 points, “The Fly” is cementing himself as an immortal figure of finance, amongst frolicking fuckfaces of folly.

In closing, do not ever doubt the time traveling efforts of Senor Tropicana aka Plutonium Petey, else he will track you down— and punch your fucking hose nose clean off your face.

While in recovery mode, the fundamentals are unimportant. What money managers need to figure out is: where is the true value of the market, without a full blown collapse? Meaning: providing the banks are flush with Federal tier one capital, at what level does the Dow become expensive?

We all know there is a lot of bad news to come. However, markets do not discount all of the bad news at once, idiots. With time, the markets will price the market where it belongs. However, for now, following a massive decline, it (the market) will reflate back to “non Aubrey McClendon margin call” levels.

My guess, that level ranges from 9,500- 10,500.

A good sign for the banks hides in the performance of preferred shares. For the unwashed type, you can track some via [[PGX]] and [[PGF]] .

If we are in classic melt up mode, the market will close at the highs of the day, trade lower tomorrow, then proceed to punch the mustaches off of shorts sellers on Wednesday.

A few things to note:

Dry bulk shipping rates are in the gutter, yet the shipping stocks are up. For a trade, [[SEA]] is worth a look.

The 8% divi in Pfizer Inc. [[PFE]] is better than keeping money in the bank.

[[M]] has a rock solid line of credit, via JPMorgan Chase & Co. [[JPM]] and Bank of America Corporation [[BAC]] , for 2 billion—thru 2012.

[[UKK]] is a kickass upside ETF.

And, finally, “The Fly” wins again, even when the world is about to end.

Being an avid short seller for more than a year, I can tell you they (the shorts) have sweaty palms right now. They’re waiting this out and hope to cover their shorts at better prices, sometime later today.

However, many of these grotesque men have deformed faces with wretched looking hands and noses that resemble clothing hooks. They’re ideologues, who worship at the altar of death. For the most part, these people are social failures, who are more interested in the machinations of Captain Kirk, than the anatomy of a woman.

Sorry if you construe this rant as a knife twisting assault on your person. Naturally, it is, but that’s besides the point. “The Fly” enjoys shoveling dirt on the graves of idiots, prior to dancing (running man, cabbage patch) on them.

Into this celebration of survival, I will not sell anything. As a matter of fact, I added to my [[UYG]] and National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] positions, while initiating new ones in [[M]] , The Procter & Gamble Company [[PG]] , Smith International, Inc. [[SII]] , NTT DoCoMo, Inc. (ADR) [[DCM]] , PG&E Corporation [[PCG]] , United States Steel Corporation [[X]] , Commercial Metals Company [[CMC]] and Pfizer Inc. [[PFE]] .

My best guess, today will be an epic short squeeze for the ages. The SEC lifted the ban on shorts, late last week, effectively trapping a bunch of hideous grumblers today. With the grace of the stock Gods favour [sic], we shall burn these harebrained offal eaters where they lay.

This rally is going out to all you margin call lovers.

If you think the market will sell off today, you are gravely mistaken. See, the market is going to take the entrails out of bearshitters, tie them to the ground, then proceed to peel off on their fucking faces with monstrous 16 wheelers.

In my opinion, this is not the time to cower. This is when you take advantage of the idiot who sold at the bottom on Friday, who is dying to get back in now.

The buy list is as follows:

Citigroup Inc. [[C]] , Deutsche Bank AG (USA) [[DB]] , The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , The Procter & Gamble Company [[PG]] , [[M]] , Abercrombie & Fitch Co. Abercrombie & Fitch Co. [[ANF]] , Target Corporation [[TGT]] , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] , Smith International, Inc. [[SII]] , Verizon Communications Inc. [[VZ]] , NTT DoCoMo, Inc. (ADR) [[DCM]] , Apple Inc. [[AAPL]] , Hewlett-Packard Company [[HPQ]] , Research In Motion Limited (USA) [[RIMM]] , United States Steel Corporation [[X]], Freeport-McMoRan Copper & Gold Inc. [[FCX]] , Pfizer Inc. [[PFE]] , [[TBT]] and Gilead Sciences, Inc. [[GILD]] .

Now, sometime soon (maybe tomorrow), you’re going to want to raise cash again, since the crisis is not over. However, if you’re into playing momentum, this is as good as it gets.

If you insist on being a pussy, get short treasuries, via [[TBT]] . Should “safe money” continue to exit treasuries, TBT will spike.

Personally, I am going to Wall Street today, in order to smack a few brokers in the face with hot slices of pizza. Those assholes were all panicky and shit last week, which led to the unprecedented collapse of our fine markets.

Top picks: MOS, NOV

UPDATE: I bought 10,000 [[NOV]] @ $26.05.

We’re not going out like this, under the weight of some sub-prime driven credit crisis. When it’s all said and done, we’ll be back to producing meaningless nuclear submarines, throwing firecrackers at one another and producing monstrous trucks for the road, in no time at all.

Hell, Americans are an egregious breed of human. We like our beer cold and our mortgage loans dangerous.

Nowhere else in the world will you find lunatic roller coasters jam packed with people willing to die, in order to enjoy a 2 minute thrill.

We’re risk takers; it’s what we do best. Bitch and moan all you want about the “Wall Street gangsters.” But remember, it’s gangsters like that who took a gamble on “Joey Bag O Credit Cards,” by giving him a loan to buy a Mcmansion.

Sure, they got greedy, but who isn’t?

Who else would finance that stupid bitch down the block, who desperately needed a 7th coach bag?

See, don’t blame Main Streets addiction to vanity on Wall Street. The bankers that you all despise were providing a service, which was encouraged by the Government. The Government encourages us to spend all the time. Following 9/11, their message to us was to be alert and go shopping.

After this crisis passes, America will be forced to tighten its belt, since the banks will be saddled with stringent regulations. No big deal. It is the end of excess.

However, regarding the equity markets:

They’re just giving stocks away. The valuations on some names are just absurd. Sometime tonight, I will compile a top 10 “if the world doesn’t end, here’s what I am buying” list.

For all you margin call lovers, I have news:

Asshole, we were down more than 25% at one point last week. The margin selling has been done. Don’t overshoot to the downside, like you overshot to the upside, thinking the Dow was going to 15,000 and shit.

Measure your emotions and place trades with discipline.

As for me, I’ll be on Wall Street tomorrow— smacking bearshitters in the face with hot slices of pizza.

UPDATE: Asian markets set to rip out of the gates.

UPDATE II: Here is my “if the world doesn’t end, this is what I’m buying” top 10 list, broken down by the 10 principal sectors. Note: the weightings will remain a secret. So Sorry.

Financials: Deutsche Bank AG (USA) [[DB]]

Industrials: The Mosaic Company [[MOS]]

Technology: Apple Inc. [[AAPL]]

Consumer Staples: The Procter & Gamble Company [[PG]]

Consumer Discretionary: [[M]]

Energy: National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]]

Healthcare: Pfizer Inc. [[PFE]]

Materials: United States Steel Corporation [[X]]

Telecom: NTT DoCoMo, Inc. (ADR) [[DCM]]

Utilities: PG&E Corporation [[PCG]]

Europe agrees to prevent a boot stomping of the banks

The key measures announced today are: a pledge to guarantee new bank debt issuance until the end of 2009; permission for governments to shore up banks by buying preferred shares; and a commitment to recapitalize any “systemically” critical banks in distress.

Fed’s Fisher says bank shorts will be flame broiled, shortly

“This morning I am casting that convention aside,” he said. “I speak for all of us when I say that the Federal Reserve will continue to explore every avenue and consider every option to see the credit markets through the credit crisis.”

Financial Crisis may hurt Nextel sale

According to a report on FT.com, Sprint CEO Dan Hesse recently questioned whether any potential buyer of the Nextel unit could raise the necessary capital to fund the purchase. That means the credit crunch could place any deal in jeopardy. No matter, said Hesse, who has vowed to continue improving the Nextel operation whether a buyer comes along or not.

CHK’s Slide was Not only Due to Stupid Margined Out CEO

Morgan Stanley is Chesapeake’s biggest counterparty. Morgan Stanley shares fell 39 percent, dropping for a fifth straight day, after Moody’s Investors Service said it may cut the investment bank’s credit rating. Allman said that if gas falls to $6 per thousand cubic feet, Chesapeake would have to sell $3.5 billion of assets. “In our view, getting through 2009 is tough, but Chesapeake has a lot of non-producing assets it could sell and discretionary spending it could cut,” Allman said.

Deposit Insurance Varies Amongst Nations

Until the latest statements suggesting unlimited guarantees, legal coverage was highest in Norway, France, Italy and Mexico. In the US the amount covered has been raised temporarily to $250,000 from $100,000 per account.

Luigi Zingales Weighs in on G7 Package

Time has come for the Treasury secretary to listen to some economists. By understanding the causes of the current crisis, we can help solve it without relying on public money. Thus, I feel it is my duty as an economist to provide an alternative: a market-based solution, which does not waste public money and uses the force of the government only to speed up the restructuring. It may not be perfect, but it is a viable avenue that should be explored before acquiescing to the perceived inevitability of Paulson’s proposals.

GM May Merge With Other U.S. Carmakers, Before Going Out of Business

After Ford decided to remain independent amid an increasingly difficult auto market, G. M. turned its attention to Chrysler. For the last month, it has been in preliminary merger talks with Chrysler’s owner, the private-equity firm Cerberus Capital Management.

Japan May Offer 1 Trillion in FX Reserves to IMF Rescue Plan

Although Asia and other emerging economies have so far avoided largely the worst of the credit crisis sparked by burst of bubble in U.S. housing markets, deepening woes in Western financial markets are now infecting robust growth in many emerging economies.

Europe: No Bank Shall Fail

“The crisis has over the past few days entered into a phase that makes it intolerable to opt for procrastination and a go-it-alone approach.”

Fannie/Freddie Ordered to Buy 40 Billion in Bad Mortgages, Per Month

The purchases would be separate from the U.S. Treasury’s $700 billion bailout plan, which was signed into law earlier this month, Bloomberg noted.

Lehman CDS Settlement May Bankrupt the Entire Banking Industry

“If we see defaults from the standpoint that protection sellers don’t pay up, then we’re going to have a huge problem in the market,” Telpner said. “But we don’t have any explicit evidence indicating that sellers ultimately are not going to be able to pay the amounts owed to buyers.”

Israeli Stocks Pare Losses After Steep Drop

In the first 20 minutes of trading the main index briefly dropped by 8.59 percent to 729.40 points, reflecting falls in world markets that took place over the long Yom Kippur holiday weekend.

Soros: Morgan Stanley Needs Government Rescue

The Treasury should match the Japanese company’s injection by acquiring preferred stock that converts to shares at a price higher than Mitsubishi UFJ’s purchase price, Soros wrote in the column, published today on the Web.

Gas to Drop To $3.00 Per Gallon

Trilby Lundberg, publisher of the nationwide Lundberg Survey of gasoline prices, said the average price for self-serve unleaded across the United States dropped to $3.31 a gallon — the largest drop in the six-decade history of her survey. “This could be one the largest drops in history,” Lundberg said.

Hedge Funds Fell 4.68% in September

The HFRI Weighted Composite Index fell 4.68 percent in September, marking the fourth consecutive monthly decline and extending the loss this year to 9.41 percent, according to Chicago-based Hedge Fund Research Inc. The worst monthly performance since the firm began tracking the industry in 1990 was an 8.7 percent decline in August 1998.

Democrats Want Another Massive Stimulus Plan

U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi last week said a $150 billion economic stimulus plan was needed to help counteract a faltering economy shaken by a paralyzed banking system and steep stock market falls.

Cramer is an Idiot

The Dow could go as low as 5,886, he said.

Buffett Legging into More BNI

Warren Buffett sells another 1.95 million shares of put options of Burlington Northern Santa Fe (BNI) on Oct. 8, two days after he sold 1.3 million shares on Oct. 6, as the latest filings of Berkshire Hathaway shows.

Most of you are drama queen mother fuckers. If any of you expressed yourselves, in such a bitch-like defeatist manner, to me, in person, I’d have a dog bite your fucking face off, mustache and all.

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