Dog Walks are Dangerous

I sold all of my stocks sans BTC at the open and was delighted to see I had been up 73bps. Feeling fresh and invigorated, I closed my laptop and sought out to walk my fucking dogs. But before I left, I opened the laptop to take a peek at the action and much to my chagrin learned that stocks had in fact went even higher without me. Feeling abused, I quickly bought a small stack of shit and then shut the laptop for good en route to dog walk.

Upon my return I gently walked over into my library amidst Mozart for violin and opened my laptop to see the horror of my actions. In the short period of my dog walk which was highlighted by explosive diarrhea — markets had in fact collapsed and my gains shrunk to 33bps.

QUICKLY I bought some UVIX and LABD to freeze things — but that didn’t work either and now those are down too and my gains are a paltry 20bps.

As I write this markets have legged lower again, so I sold all of my longs and bought some SQQQ. So aside from my 7% BTC, I am UVIX, LABD and SQQQ at 15%, the rest cash, now eagerly waiting for the end of western finance as we know it.