Exerting Energy Whilst Bicycling is Stupid

All my life I’ve been doing it wrong. Riding the bicycle has been a fun avocation of mine for years — first as a boy and now as an adult. About 5 years ago I bought myself a proper mountain bike, CANNONDALE, and used it for exercise. But truthfully, I never enjoyed the whole peddling uphill ordeal, instead favoring the quick downhill spills and hairpin turns at high rates of speed.

After I returned home, I never said to myself ‘boy that was some good exercise — I should do more of that uphill shit.” The only pleasures taken from cycling was the journey and the sites and sometimes the scents of flowers and trees blossoming. I’ve never liked, nor aimed to, accomplish my fitness goals via the fucking bicycle.

This past Father’s Day, for the first time, I embarked on the ELECTRICAL BIKE experience, or some hipsters call it “e-bikes.”

SOLD IMMEDIATELY.

There’s no discussion needed or a difficult sales pitch. How much is it? Yes, I will take two, thank you.

During my e-bike journey, I could’ve smoked cigars and had martinis whilst passing BIKINGFAGS who worked really really hard until their hearts explodes. I side-eyed those fucks and said aloud “TO YOUR LEFT”, much to their chagrin. In this day and age, there’s no need to cycle like a fool. In China, most people use the e-bike to get around, casting aside their rusted old ten-speeds — because they’re stupid and antiquated.

As we get older and lose the desire to CYCLE UPHILL, there is an different way to go about it — the lazy way — the fucking e-bike, or ELECTRIC BICYCLE as gen-xers like to say.

You’re welcomed.