iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,904 Blog Posts

SHOCK FINDINGS: E-Cigs Cause Cancer

Well well well, color me surprised. The good folks in our ‘scientific community’ have just revealed something that no one saw coming: VAPING CAUSES FUCKING CANCER!

This business pivot will be studied in Universities around the world for the next millennia. The timeline works wonderfully. Bear with me as I assemble my marbles.

Early 2000s, young stockbroker Fly sops up juicy tobacco settlement bonds by NY State and other states, who settled with BIG TOBACCO for fucking billions upon billions. States took the money and ran, and issued bonds secured by these payments. Everyone got rich, me, the state, BIG TOBACCO, except Joe Cancer who could no longer sue BIG TOBACCO because the case had been settled.

Cigarettes get BTFO in NYC and other places around the country, followed by a groundswell of health moments in America surrounded by the idea that organic food and doing without harsh chemicals might improve quality of life.

This movement led to a greater awareness of human health and total rejection of the cigarette. By 2010, only fucking retards and loser boomers smoked.

ENTER BANANA FLAVORED VAPES/E-CIGS.

BIG TOBACCO couldn’t just make money by giving Europeans cancer anymore, so they invested in new nicotine products, one’s with banana and rainbow flavors that appealed to Johnny Hop Scotch around the schoolyard. They made it look like a cool electronic device, like a fucking iPhone, permitted you to charge it and everything. Johnny Hop Scotch and Sally Snow Blower sopped it up and gave it to their friends and they all become cool in school. A few years later, the government, desperate for cash, LEGALIZED POT — while heavily promoting the health benefits of cannabis, a drug that had led to the incarceration of thousands for decades. By 2014, pot + e-cigs became the coolest shit in the world, attracting scores of zoomers to share inside the schoolyard and urinals.

Last year if you weren’t vaping THC — you simply were a fucking boomer retard who deserved to die of lung cancer. Vaping THC was going to increase cock sizes, cure cancer, baldness, and turn incels into irresistible sex maniacs.

Until people started getting sick in 2019. Anyone with a basic science background would tell you there was no way of knowing if vaping was healthy or not, since humans were the ultimate guinea pig and it’d take years to find out. Well, it took about 7 years to find out vaping causes cancer — and could kill you a lot fucking quicker than the slow burn of lung cancer, by way of filterless Pall Malls.

So now, with upwards of 75% of gen Z zoomers smoking e-cigs, and a burgeoning health crisis crashing into the lungs of America, these little shitheads are quickly switching for the safest option to ingest nicotine, and of course the coolest one — smoking cigarettes.

Phillip Morris wins again.

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4 comments

  1. moosh

    I think nicotine gets a bad rap because it is usually paired with terrible chemicals and absolute shit for brains retards, with horrible habits amongst other things, abusing the supplement.

    https://www.healio.com/primary-care/addiction/news/online/%7B06f1474f-3b5f-4a87-96d7-023d9f115703%7D/nicotine-free-vaping-harms-blood-vessels-after-single-session

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  2. mx2101

    In pill form, maybe nicotine would be fine for some. As an elderly person, I confirm that many of these things percolate and simmer into life shortening illness later. Smoking is COPD, emphysema, lung cancer and increased risk for coronary heart disease. See those old folks with the clear tubes in their noses and the satchels?

    Old age is not a picnic, but it is misery and hell with self inflected terminal illness.

    Take care of yourselves, my friends. Have fun in your youth, but wear a condom (metaphorically speaking).

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  3. metalleg

    Cure for cancer?

    https://www.mycancerstory.rocks/

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  4. numbersgame

    The next shocking study: smoking marijuane leads to icnrease in lung cancer.

    Of course, the study is already out: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2516340/

    Because of money (corporate + mj tax), I doubt the typical teenager is even aware of this. TheTruth.com and others have had strong anti-cig campaigns in the last 10 years (on TV, and the internet, etc.). Now they are going after vaping. Yet, their is no high-profile campaign aimed at curtailign marijuana use among youths.

    While I’d be willign to concede that marijuana may be safer than tobacco cigarettes, and may even have some benefits to certian people, it is not a harmless substance.

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