Well well well, color me surprised. The good folks in our ‘scientific community’ have just revealed something that no one saw coming: VAPING CAUSES FUCKING CANCER!
This business pivot will be studied in Universities around the world for the next millennia. The timeline works wonderfully. Bear with me as I assemble my marbles.
Early 2000s, young stockbroker Fly sops up juicy tobacco settlement bonds by NY State and other states, who settled with BIG TOBACCO for fucking billions upon billions. States took the money and ran, and issued bonds secured by these payments. Everyone got rich, me, the state, BIG TOBACCO, except Joe Cancer who could no longer sue BIG TOBACCO because the case had been settled.
Cigarettes get BTFO in NYC and other places around the country, followed by a groundswell of health moments in America surrounded by the idea that organic food and doing without harsh chemicals might improve quality of life.
This movement led to a greater awareness of human health and total rejection of the cigarette. By 2010, only fucking retards and loser boomers smoked.
ENTER BANANA FLAVORED VAPES/E-CIGS.
BIG TOBACCO couldn’t just make money by giving Europeans cancer anymore, so they invested in new nicotine products, one’s with banana and rainbow flavors that appealed to Johnny Hop Scotch around the schoolyard. They made it look like a cool electronic device, like a fucking iPhone, permitted you to charge it and everything. Johnny Hop Scotch and Sally Snow Blower sopped it up and gave it to their friends and they all become cool in school. A few years later, the government, desperate for cash, LEGALIZED POT — while heavily promoting the health benefits of cannabis, a drug that had led to the incarceration of thousands for decades. By 2014, pot + e-cigs became the coolest shit in the world, attracting scores of zoomers to share inside the schoolyard and urinals.
.@CNBC: E-cigarette vapor causes lung cancer and potentially bladder cancer in mice, damaging their DNA and leading researchers at New York University to conclude that vaping is likely “very harmful” to humans as well. "E-cigarettes are bad news,” according to the lead researcher
— Bill Griffeth (@BillGriffeth) October 7, 2019
Last year if you weren’t vaping THC — you simply were a fucking boomer retard who deserved to die of lung cancer. Vaping THC was going to increase cock sizes, cure cancer, baldness, and turn incels into irresistible sex maniacs.
Until people started getting sick in 2019. Anyone with a basic science background would tell you there was no way of knowing if vaping was healthy or not, since humans were the ultimate guinea pig and it’d take years to find out. Well, it took about 7 years to find out vaping causes cancer — and could kill you a lot fucking quicker than the slow burn of lung cancer, by way of filterless Pall Malls.
So now, with upwards of 75% of gen Z zoomers smoking e-cigs, and a burgeoning health crisis crashing into the lungs of America, these little shitheads are quickly switching for the safest option to ingest nicotine, and of course the coolest one — smoking cigarettes.
Phillip Morris wins again.If you enjoy the content at iBankCoin, please follow us on Twitter