Bill ‘Montauk’ Ackman is Back; Pershing Square +25% YTD

What the fuck is Bill up to these days? He’s up to destroying the market and crushing every single faggot investment advisor, salty fuckers, who’ve been dragging him thru the mud the past decade: that’s what he’s up to, pal.

So what Bill has been dogged for the past decade — losing high key televised battles with the geriatric Icahn.

But now he’s back and even though +25% in a little more than a month might seem insane to some of you — like ‘how the fuck does a $10b fund move so much in a single month anyway?’ — SHUT THE FUCK UP — you needn’t concern yourselves with the games that big money fund managers play. Their sand box is their oyster and their oyster is their cocks.

Allegedly, Bill made most of his money in MDLZ, CMG and SBUX — but it doesn’t matter what he owns. The only thing that matters is +25% and your stupid fund is barely up and not domiciled in a beautiful self owned new building in Hell’s Kitchen.

Sure, Bill is probably still salty AF at his fellow hedge funders for the now infamous ill fated cycle drive to Montauk. But that shit is behind him now and he’s making power moves — pissing and shitting on the competition — making investment advisors with shit AUM feel like the pissants they truly are.

Now with Bill’s resurgence back into the winners circle, we should expect more media appearances, lectures, and wonderful high drama stakes to be announced — stocks to bet for and against — battles to be won. Gone are the days of getting balls roasted in Mexican protein shake companies or old lady department stores led by Apple leftovers.

This is 2019, a new era of gilded returns and decadent abundance.

Congratulations to William Albert Ackman on your success and I’m very sorry for having been forced by my ill tempered humor that caused me to make fun of you a few dozen times the past decade or so.