DEATH TO ONLINE BROKERAGES: $JPM Launches Free Trading App

It’s over E-tradeFAGS. You had your chance to shine, now it’s time to go away.

Here’s how JP Morgan will bankrupt the litany of online brokerages, including those freeFAGS at Robinhood.

Signing up through the bank’s app can be done in three minutes, and moving money between Chase accounts happens instantaneously. Users can also seamlessly fund their investments from outside accounts. There is no minimum required to open an account.

All customers get 100 free stock or ETF trades in the first year, an offer that becomes permanent for those with Premier-level bank accounts, which require a combined $15,000 held at the bank.

Those with Chase Private Client, a higher account that typically requires at least $100,000 in holdings, get unlimited trades. The bank is currently considering adding other tiers that would incentivize people to pull money from other brokerages.

Users can construct diversified portfolios with an automated tool called portfolio builder by inputting their risk tolerance and objectives. In a recent demonstration, a client was able to quickly screen through ETFs — most of which came from competitors including Vanguard — and construct a portfolio composed of cheap ETFs and a few stocks.

The number of free trades a user has left is prominently displayed on the app. Keough said that most investors don’t typically need more than 100 trades a year, but if they exceed that amount, they’ll be charged $2.95 per trade, which still undercuts most rivals.

For instance, TD Ameritrade and E-Trade charge $6.95 per trade. Charles Schwab charges $4.95 a trade. All three offer free trades for a fixed amount of time for new clients who deposit enough money. Bank of America offers customers of its Merrill Edge service 30 free trades per month, but that perk begins at $50,000 in balances. Otherwise, trades cost $6.95.

Shares of TD Ameritrade and Schwab were lower in premarket trading Tuesday.

The next phase for J.P Morgan is for investors who want to be more hands off. Start-ups including Wealthfront and Betterment pioneered the so-called robo-advisor, or automated investment managers. Big banks including Morgan Stanley and Wells Fargo have since released their own robo-advisors. Most charge between 0.25 to 0.50 percent of assets under management per year.

J.P. Morgan will unveil its own robo-advisor under the You Invest brand in January, Laskowitz said. He declined to say whether the bank will make good on Dimon’s threat from 2016 to give away the service for free.

“If you think about our pricing structure, it will be very similar with what we’re doing with our brokerage platform,” Laskowitz said of the robo-advisor. “We’re rewarding people for doing more with Chase.”

Thank God the online brokerages have business relationships with advisors, otherwise their B2C models would be blowing up right now.

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If I could own shares of a publicly traded crack vendor I would. But for now, I am only permitted to legally own shares of LEGAL pot dealers. These wares are peddled around junior high schools and high schools, promising the youth nutrients and brain stimulation with just a few puffs. Parents encourage their children to smoke pot these days because MUH hemp is a miracle plant and it cures all ailments, included, but not limited to, CANCER.

For Xmas, I fully expect children across America will receive large bags of pot under their tree, strong and potent strains of sativa designed for recreational and medicinal use.

Shares of TLRY and CRON are shooting, the fuck, higher this morning. I am long, strong, and anticipate to bank some coin today.

Bad news on the plumber front. The hot water heater is broken, but no one quite knows what’s wrong with it. Grown men dressed up in plumber costumes cannot figure it out, so they tell me to just change the whole thing. “Just do it.” Also, they go to google to learn about their job on the spot and I educate them about gas valves and where they might find one. I will be invoicing them for my advice on how to do their jobs later on today.

In the meantime, House Fly is without hot water. Cold showers course through this cold and sallow house, making the people inside even more angry and bitter. I view it as a penance of sorts, punishment for my recent success.

Also, my light switch broke yesterday, in the downstairs broom closet like bathroom.

Home ownership is one of the great big scams of life. The alternative is worse, however. Being a tenant must suck, beholden to other people and their rules. I’d rather own a money pit, than rent someone else’s.

Ok, back to doing drugs.

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Today the plumber stopped by my house and my coyote nearly ate him. I could tell he had been smoking pot, probably because it’s legal and nutritious for you. I brought him downstairs to have a look at my water heater and he immediately said ‘bro you need a new tank.’

I retorted ‘but you haven’t even looked at the damn thing.’

And he said ‘bro, dude, this thing is shot man. You need a new one.’

‘How about just swapping out the part? I don’t want to change the whole heater now.’

‘Good luck finding the part. They don’t even carry it anymore. Go to Amazon and buy it. We’ll plug it in for you.’

And then he left, leaving behind a $125 invoice.

America is a wild ravenous place, filled with degenerates and drug addicts, all chasing greedily after paper money. If you’re fortunate to have some of it, others with less will try to take it from you — sometimes by force.

The beautiful thing about the stock market is that it displays these horrible traits in real time and on a very live stage. We’re all in the arena trying to rip off one another — duping someone with our shares because we’re done with them and couldn’t care less if the buyer went bankrupt buying them from us. It’s an indecorous game of capitalism, unrelenting in its viciousness and divisiveness. It just so happens that I am a superior being when it comes to trading — the very best the world has ever seen.

Case in point, I entered today long TLRY, SHSP, SONO, MOMO and I edged into CRON and HUYA throughout the trading day. My winning streak is going to be the biggest ever. My last streak, enjoyed two months ago, was 38 wins out of 39. This time around, I intend to win 50 straight times, without even the smallest of downticks. The market is in my wheelhouse now and there is nothing that could be done to stop me.

The stock Gods are dead. I am the stock God. Bow down before my presence.

 

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I added to my pot exposure by buying NEPT.

The HUYA purchase is me future signaling a resurgence in the China-com trade — which has been dead for a month or so now.

I sold out of DOMO for a 1% loss and remain very long SONO, MOMO and many other delicacies that are making me rich-er.

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Retail has been the best performing sector over the past year, by a fairly wide margin. Whilst headlines of JCP, Toys R Us, and SHLD closing up shop take center stage, the rest of the retailFAG sector has been on fucking fire.

Aside from Jeff Macke, has anyone else even looked at apparel stores? This has to be the most hated sector in the history of the market — vehemently reviled and spat upon by scores of people who believe the mall is, in fact, dead. The idea of taking hard earned dollars and investing it into mall based operators seems, on the surface, like the stupidest things a person could do. Yet, lo and behold, it has been the best.

To make money in retail, you would’ve have to been a complete idiot or genius. It just goes to show you the market always takes the path to screw the maximum amount of people at all times. I bet you think retail is good now and have decided to dive in headlong without caution. As soon as you do that, the water will be removed from the fountains at the shopping mall and your head will crack in half, causing your brain fluids to leak out — leaving you retarded and broke for the remainder of your days till expiration.

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What a stupid fucking country you live in. Scores of people rotting in prison cells for selling pot did so for no reason at all, now that we now know marijuna is good for you, totally legal, and is permitted to be smoked everywhere. People hate tobacco, but love pot. It cures everything and you can even use the hemp wood to make cabinets and floors.

It’s like a wonder crop that is both medicinal and constructive. I gather all of those lads rotting in prison cells are grateful to America’s lawmakers for finally realizing that drugs are a profitable business that could generate immense revenues, whilst at the same time enriching the people with cannabis vitamins that is as good, if not better, for you than vitamin C or A.

I want to head out to my local dispensary and buy a few pounds, dash that shit into my meals and smoke it after supper. I’ll smoke some before bed too, this way I can get my proper nutrients before I rest. This will ensure a sound sleep and vibrant morning.

I’m long cannabis vitamins in size, via TLRY and CRON. I just bought CRON and feel the momentum in this sector is only first beginning. Our degenerate cousins to the north of us are spearheading this medicinal craze and I expect it to gain stream — just like that Canada Goose craze — which has nice minded people wearing dog fur around their necks.

This is all a bit too much for you to handle in the morning. Just know that Le Fly is smoking pot now and does so because it’s nutritious and totally legal. I smoke pot in front of the police station and there’s nothing those pigs can do about it.

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Last night my water heater stopped working, causing me to shower amidst the frigid waters of the northeast. I considered this affliction to be a great boon, a gift from the heavens above — a series of circumstances that will make me a fortune.

Whenever domestic issues plague Le Fly, his professional livelihood undergoes tremendous growth. I can tell endless stories of pipes bursting, toilet bowls dislocating, and shower heads popping off in comedic form — flooding my house with ravenous certitude — causing me to call the fire department so they could show me where my water main was located.

All of these events lead to stock market winship of the unparalleled varietal. Why, when my shower pipe busted and all of the waters of Staten Island flowed freely throughout my abode and I was caught in my boxers bucketing water out from the tub into the toilet — only to be frantically rescued by mustached firemen — the financial crisis soon hit America and I made vast sums of coin shorting banks.

While I do not expect anything of that magnitude to strike now, I do expect some sort of directional pivot and I expect, as is the custom with these events, to capitalize SEVERELY from the transgressions of others.

Early going, the market sucks, but I am making coin.

Yes, indeud. Try to stop TLRY, SONO and MOMO from heading higher. It’ll bankrupt you 10 times over if you tried.

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I don’t know a single person who owns a Sodastream device. Maybe it’s huge in Israel or some dark corner in S. America. But this shit is entirely pointless and Pepsi has literally just tossed $3.2b into the sewer.

PepsiCo will pay $144.00 per share in cash for SodaStream’s outstanding stock, which is a 32 percent premium to its 30-day volume weighted average price.

Pointless crap

Who the fuck is drinking soda anyway? Haven’t we, as a civilization, decided that soda is absolute shit? The Victorian days of sarsaparilla being a desirable beverage is long gone. If anything, this acquisition should give shareholders of FIZZ an absolute woody, absolutely. They actually sell beverages that are healthy and people like.

Who the fuck is making grape soda in their kitchen?

Looks like the suspicious owners of the August 134 calls are gonna get their dicks sucked tomorrow.

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The summer is winding down and junior at the trading turret is tight — extremely stressed for not performing well while his cocaine addled manager is out in the Hamptons being a fantastic host and overall great person.

The FANG stocks haven’t been working all that well and trading has been listless for several weeks now. I can sense things are coming to a head and junior is on the verge of sperging the fuck out and committing massive funds into wayward idea gleaned off the interwebs.

Here, look at this junior — top rated stocks by Sortino ratio. Your manager would be proud of you if you bought these stocks.

Here’s another idea. How about gold — so cheap, yet so vehemently hated. People get stressed when I ask them about gold. It was supposed to do something, but it never quite worked out that way.

According to Exodus, gold is near oversold levels. You should step in.

Truth be told, this market was tailor made for me. I am on the verge of taking pick axes to the brains of my enemies this week, as my SAAS position roll into high gear and crush short sellers into flat pieces of flesh. The momentum trade is where I’m best utilized, thinly traded with junior tangentially moving around in search of the green light.

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Last night I cooked breakfast for dinner — panned cakes, eggs in a basket inside very thickly cut tuscan bread, fried chicken, and thickly cut bacon. I probably ingested 2,000 calories and consider myself a better man for it.

Over the past few months, I’ve focused my obsessive energies in two directions.

1. Making Exodus better. Doing demos, educational emails etc.
2. Cooking

I’ve always been a competent cook, but mostly by instinct. I never had formal training and I never took it seriously. Like most men, I’d slap a few steaks on the grill, sauté a few onions in a pan, pour myself a healthy amount of red win, and then consider myself to be the best chef who ever lived.

I never cared about the quality of my knives or materials that have been acquired over the years, sitting in my kitchen cabinets.

Boy was I missing out on a lot of creative fun.

I realize cooking takes a lot of time and many of you do not have the intellectual capacity to follow rigid rules and understand the discipline involved in properly preparing food. You’d rather venture out into the streets for tacos or hot slices of greasy pizza. Sad.

I will share with you today two terrific resources I’ve been immersing myself in on the Youtube.

French Cooking Academy with Stephan

Chef Pasquale

Chef Pasquale is off the wall entertaining. He reminds me of my grandfather and he loves to cook great food. I get the sense he was a chef when he was younger. Stephan is a regular French guy living in Australia who is learning how to cook in real time by following an Escoffier recipe book.

Today I’m cooking Beef Bourguignon, which is basically beef stew in a wine and beef stock sauce. The key, of course, is the ingredients — such as making your own stock and procuring the best cuts of beef and pork — and following the steps correctly.

What are you eating tonight, hotted dogs?

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