Reminder: MARKETS DO NOT BOTTOM ON FRIDAYS

Good morning lads

I’m nearly done with my Xmas shopping. Last night I was trapped inside of a Macy’s, lights went out and they told me to fuck off about my purchases. I kindly explained ‘but it’s Xmas good Sir’ and how I needed these toys for Tiny Tim and they begrudgingly reopened one of their registers and accepted my money.

Tonight I will parlay myself into an outlet to make some last minutes purchases, wanton depravity on an industrial scale. Waste, shame, and obsequious to the whims of consumerism.

Early this morning futures are higher and President Trump is tweeting away, trying to get himself a border wall for Xmas.

Let me be a reminder to you, good sir, markets shan’t bottom on Fridays. ‘Tis the laws of nature and science, all that is logical and worthwhile. If you’re barreling into stocks now, stepping in sideways and with vigor, prepare to be dispatched. The black flag shall bend you and then break you into ten thousand pieces. Like a puzzle, it will take a long time to be made whole, because of your blackguardly and injurious manner in the markets.

You need to step away from the trading turret and remember the children in the garbage cans and how people in Africa walk around with fat stomachs, not because they’re eating giant turkeys every evening — but because they’re starving to death. You should be grateful for the excesses that you enjoy and quit trying to squander it in your never-ending pursuit for something greater. Only after you’ve achieved true financial security will you understand that happiness isn’t rooted there, but something else.

So fuck off and quit trying to find bottoms on Fridays.