As I’ve outlined here many times, the more pain and agony I feel at home, whether it be thru broken appliances or sudden cracks in every ceiling of my house — that hardship is often matched by extreme winship in the market. I’m a firm believer in cosmic radiance and how good offsets the bad, and vice versa.
Be me.
Wake up at 6:30am sharp. No need to press snooze, because you’re excited to awaken, as you’ve got some inverse ETFs to profit from. Wake up 13yr old son, say hello to 15 yr old daughter, barrel downstairs and drink some water. Drive kids to school, get a few chuckles on the way back listening to Howard Stern, park car and go back into the house.
Say hello to dogs, let them in the yard, slam door shut.
Tell Alexa to “play WQXR fm, tune in radio” — quietly listen to Bach, eagerly watching S&P futures melt the fuck lower.
Go to kitchen and place a kettle of water to boil for coffee., and a pot of water for eggs. Grind beans, smells delicious. Now Beethoven is playing in the background. Visit pantry and take out French bread that you bought from Costco and sheave off a healthy slice. Place in panini press.
Drop 3 eggs in boiling water and tell Alexa “set timer for 6 minutes” because anything more or less than 6 minutes is imperfection. We cannot have any of that.
Pour boiling water in French Press and set timer for 4 minutes to steep. Pour milk in frother and and begin heating milk for coffee.
Notice cabinet is leaning a little and won’t close. Investigate further.
Grab screwdriver and blindly poke around and unscrew a bolt here, tighten one there. Cabinet door worsens.
Bread in panini press smells delicious, really heating up now.
Escalate my attempt to repair cabinet by taking out drill. Unscrews everything, removes cabinet, pretends to have an idea what I’m doing.
Eggs are ready, drop in bowl of cold water. Coffee is ready too — plunge press into ground beans. Milk is ready too.
Proceed to fix cabinet, annoyed by inability to fit bracket correctly. Cabinet nearly falls on my head.
Twenty one year old son comes down, takes 2 of my eggs and bread — eats breakfast. Pours himself a cup of coffee too.
Escalates repair further by taking out step ladder to get a better angle at now knowing what I’m doing.
Ah, got it. Attempts to close cabinet, but it swings right back open, much worse than before.
Takes drill and removes bracket, screw drops in between oven and counter, attempts to grab it, cabinet falls on my head.
Now irate, seeing red. Attempts to fix cabinet 20 times in a row and each time it gets worse. Removes fucking cabinet and tosses drill into the fucking laundry room sink, saying “fuck it.”
Grabs cold egg and slice of cold white bread. Pours self cup of coffee with milk — but it overflows and milk spills onto floor. Bites into egg and yolk drips on pants, coffee spills on shirt.
SITS DOWN TO WRITE A FUCKING BLOG ABOUT ORDEAL. CATASTROPHE.
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Home improvement projects before coffee sounds like a terrible and dangerous idea.
You ought to consider telling Alexa to take a hike. Those things are a security nightmare.
STFU
He’s right – that robot bitch will call the cops on you if she doesn’t like your attitude.
Just curious. What does Alexa say when you tell her, “Hey Alexa S T F U.”
If the *cabinet*, and not the *cabinet door* is what’s crooked, then sounds like you need a level. If it is indeed the cabinet door and it stays open, then you just need to adjust the caster angle (ie, tilt the bottom outwards/forward or the top inwards/backwards).
More importantly, “Twenty one year old son” ?!!! Damn, you must have been his age when he was born.
I was indeed.
how is it having 3 kids? wife wants 3 i’m thinking 2…
21 yo is still home? Is he still breast feeding?
He goes to college nearby.
For me, Night Owl. Watch the Asian close and Europe Open. They matter more then US open. Wake up around lunch time in the US Session, yawn, curse central bankers and then go get some coffee.
You tell Alexa to play 69 instead of classical and it’s a whole different story, but your blood pressure probably ends up being the same averaged out
Also, the dash will consistently make you perfectly peelable eggs with the least amount of effort. You can fine tune it with a minute amount of water used for desired doneness
Absolutely brilliant narrative. Best written daily blog.