HEADING TO THE GYM NOW

I just wanted to alert all of you that I am en route to the local gymnasium where disheveled bums are not found — because the monthly rate is too high.

Also, I wear gloves, as to avoid germs and also callouses. Truth be told, I grew up swinging from trees and playing baseball my whole life. You think your gym callouses are bad — I was born into a world of hurtful callouses, swinging bats made of wood that was so bad they gave me splinters in my fucking callouses. Bats would break and we couldn’t afford new ones, so we swung the broken bats, holding together the chards with our bare hands. Upon contact, said chards would bleed into our hands — but we were happy because the hardball went fast, breaking thru car windows in the lot — providing us with homeruns.

You know what else I do? I only drink bottled water — because the tap water at the gym tastes like shit and I can afford the $3 splurge. Oh, sometimes I even eat the fancy food made at my gym — because there’s a fucking restaurant and cafe there too. It’s expensive and not very tasty, but I buy it anyway.

One last thing. I also use machines. I know true gymFAGS only use free weights, because of balance and bro-science, but I also use machines when doing certain exercises. Due to an elbow injury, I can’t bench heavy without the my elbow snapping, causing the bar to decapitate my head, so I use machines.

In addition to that, I drink coffee at Starbucks, lattes most of the time, and have been known to wear a pink shirt, especially when in Newport, RI, enjoying champagne and finger foods.

You fucking faggots.