The call should go something like this.
You (thick Irish accent): Hello friendly broker, this is Cornelius and I have an account with you blokes over there.
Broker: How might I help you Sir?
You: Very well. I was reading in the morning papers today that the Chinese Netflix is coming public. The name is IQiyi and The Fly over at iBankCoin told me to tell you to give me an allocation.
Broker: Sorry, who is The Fly?
You: I said, he’s a blogger from the internets. Don’t you have ears on that daft head of yours?
Broker: No, I understand what a blogger is. I just didn’t understand why he’d tell you to ask for an allocation.
You: He said it was gonna be a humdinger — a real scorcher — ya hear? He told me to ask for an allocation, so here I am. I want to buy it for me kids — pass it down to them on their wedding days — maybe pay off their college loans with the profits. What do you think about that?
Broker: Well, I’ll have to see if we have any available. That IPO is gonna be a hot one and all of our institutional accounts are getting the vast majority of it.
You: So what are you trying to tell me then? Do you mean I can only get the shit IPOs that trade lower on the first day of trading, like that Facebook shit you shoveled down me throat several years ago?
Broker: Well, look at how well that did. You’re up 5 times on your money.
You: Don’t change the fookin’ question. You know as well as I — that IPO was a curse from hell. I nearly got divorced over that thing. Me wife Mary said that if it lost another point, just another point, she was gonna leave me — take the kids and go live with her Mother. It was only by the grace of God that the darned thing turned around and made me a little money.
Broker: I understand Cornelius. That’s why you retain us, to hold you into these good deals when they look bad. Look, I probably can’t get you any IQ — because the deal is so oversubscribed and your account isn’t in the top percentile at the firm.
You: Is that the ticker on the damned thing, IQ?
Broker: Yes.
You: So you’re saying I’m not smart enough to get any of it. Aren’t ya?
Broker: No, not at all. IQ is just the ticker.
You: But I can’t get any of this IQ — because me account size is too small for ya, isn’t it?
Broker: Well…
You: Answer the fookin’ question ya fiddler benz. I want some of that IQ you have over there. I am perfectly willing to pay top dollar for it and hold it until the day that I die. I want to know why ya won’t sell me any?
Broker: Because it’s all gone. All of the institutions and large accounts bought it.
You: So all of the people with big accounts and all of the money bought all of the IQ?
Broker: Yes, they have it all.
You: And I can’t get any IQ?
Broker: No, absolutely not.
You: So how the fuck am I supposed to make any money on this thing?
Broker: Buy the after-market.
You: You mean buy it after it’s +200% from one of those rich clients of yours who’s getting all of the IQ now?
Broker: Well, not exactly. You’d be buying it from the market. Whoever is selling it.
You: What do ya mean the market? I might not’ve went to Oxford, but I’m smart enough to know that anyone getting an IPO that goes up 200% on the first day is very likely to sell for a quick profit. You’d have to be stupid not to do that — especially considering how some of these IPOs perform afterwards. And you want me to buy in the after-market, so that one of your rich clients can take his money out and buy something nice with it? How fookin’ stupid do you think me and me wife Mary are?
Broker: Sorry if I offended. Maybe we should sit this one out then — you know, wait for a dip to get in.
You: Yeah, I think I’ll do that, wait for a dip and all. You have yourself a great day, ok?
Broker: Sorry, goodbye Cornelius.
You calling me a fiddler benz?
Regards
Chuck Bennett
Fidlam bens. Turn on the captions.
Cornelius is a plebe and if that snowflake had any cohones he would only concerned with ICO’s.
I think I’ll write a book about the life of Cornelius. You might want to sit down and read it after I publish it, ya know?
I just wrote an outline for it. It’s hilarious.
as long as you do an audio book with an Irish accent, I’d pay a premium
I’d like to reserve a hardened cover copy.
Cornelius?
For a good Irish name?
Go with Sean or Dylan.
Damn, I just realized I’m fookin’ Cornelius. Ha! Change is in the wind!