Several years ago the former founder of CHK drove directly into a brick wall at 100mph. The coroners concluded it was NOT a suicide, in spite of the fact that Aubrey was facing a decade in prison for fuckery largess.
“He pretty much drove straight into the wall,” Balderrama said on March 2, according to NBC affiliate KFOR. “The information out there at the scene is that he went left of center, went through a grassy area right before colliding into the embankment. There was plenty of opportunity for him to correct and get back on the roadway and that didn’t occur.”
Since then, his company has suffered mightily, due to its highly leveraged balance sheet and struggling price of crude.
All of that is about to change, now that I bought the company.
Effective immediately, “The Fly” is in charge of Chesapeake Energy. I expect those barrels to be filled with a fuckload of oil and the workers in the field, 24 hours per day, toiling away to increase shareholder value. If not, I will shut the company down and everyone will have to live off welfare.
GET TO WORK (snaps whip).
This morning the company reported BETTER THAN EXPECTED results. We have the best oil companies, don’t we folks?
Chesapeake Energy beats by $0.05, beats on revs (2.63)
Reports Q4 (Dec) earnings of $0.30 per share, $0.05 better than the Capital IQ Consensus of $0.25; revenues rose 24.6% year/year to $2.52 bln vs the $1.26 bln Capital IQ Consensus.
Average 2017 production of approximately 547,800 barrels of oil equivalent (boe) per day, up 3 percent compared to 2016 levels, adjusted for asset sales; oil production up 11 percent in 2017 fourth quarter compared to 2016 fourth quarter, adjusted for asset sales.
Projected 2018 capital expenditures program of approximately $1.975 – $2.375 billion, down 12 percent compared to 2017 levels, using midpoint.
Total 2018 production, adjusted for asset sales, expected to grow approximately 3 percent year-over-year, using midpoint; oil volumes adjusted for asset sales, expected to grow by approximately 5 percent compared to 2017 levels, using midpoint.
I stepped into the stock sideways, looking at the shares higher by 15% for the session. The rationale was and is simple: we are looking for much higher prices. By “we”, I mean it in the most royal way possible. You’d be wise to speak as I do, especially at cocktail parties and during charitable venues. It throws people off-guard, forcing them into spiraling identity crises.
On the matter of oil, it is my belief House Trump and House Saud struck an accord earlier this year to walk the price of crude inexorably higher. Following the arrest and seizures of personal wealth inside the Saudi Royal family, we’ve seen the price of crude steadily increase. This bodes well for Trump, who will then shill for more oil jobs — succoring Americans into a false sense of security that all will be well once we keep drilling for the black gold. Truth is, you can suck all of the black gold dick in the world and it would have no affect on the price of crude in the interim, as that is quite literally controlled by OPEC — which is controlled by House Saud — which circles back to us.
It is a fucking tax, people.
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