Dow futures are down 100 and Europe is flat. Gold is +0.3% and WTI is -0.5%. The dollar is getting strangled by the euro, off by 0.4% and Bitcoin is -2% — further evidence to suggest bitcoin HODLers are, in fact, controlling the entirety of the stock market. When they make money — you make money, and vice versa. Any fucking questions?
These HODLers have been making so much money, eating so many avocados, they’ve taken control of the stock market. You thought the CBOE was fucking them when they starting trading BTC futures a month and change ago — when in fact it was merely a Trojan horse by these very powerful and malevolent HODLers making their way inside of our castle. Now they’re knifing us to pieces, because we’re unarmed, helpless to their violence.
Hopefully we can get some real volatility today — maybe -700 or 800 points. If we keep going up to hit new highs again, amidst all of this panic over interest rates acting entirely normal, I’m gonna be very disappointed.
Here’s some other shit crossing the tape this morning.
HCP beats by $0.01, misses on revs; guides FY18 FFO midpoint below consensus
Qualcomm: Broadcom (AVGO) says will seek the election of six, rather than 11, nominees to the Qualcomm Board
Under Armour (UAA 15.97, +1.74): +12.2% after reporting better-than-expected sales for the fourth quarter.
AmerisourceBergen (ABC 105.90, +16.45): +18.4% following a WSJ report that Walgreens Boot Alliance (WBA 67.15, -1.31) has made a takeover approach.
Blue Apron beats by $0.05, reports revs in-line
Louisiana-Pacific beats by $0.16, beats on revs; reinstates quarterly dividend
Arch Coal beats by $1.25, misses on revs; increases quarterly dividend to $0.40/share from $0.35/share
Marathon Petroleum upgraded to Buy from Neutral at Goldman
Pioneer Natural Resources target raised to $250 from $215 at Citigroup; added to US Focus List
3M upgraded to Buy from Hold at Deutsche Bank
GNC Holdings reports EPS in-line, misses on revs; enters strategic partnership and China joint venture agreement with Harbin Pharmaceutical