Stocks Fizzle Out: Prepare for Hill-Day Massacre

In preparation of Hillary Clinton’s 100th birthday, I sold PANW, WDAY and GNK — all for break even to moderate sized losses. Given that my “lottery tickets” in HMNY and FIZZ have turned up snake eyes for 20 days in a row, I felt it made sense to “hedge” my others longs with a little UVXY — because nothing says “Happy Birthday you dumb bitch” like a directional bet against the markets.

I ventured off yesterday, after visiting the gym, to my locale Whole Foods and was delighted to see endless boxes of La Croix seltzer water — infused with the essence of lime, lemon and pamplemouse, littering the aisles of this great store. The women at the cash register assured me that my investment in FIZZ was secure and that any dip in its shares should be gobbled up like a Thanksgiving Turkey.

While some of you might find the decline to be somewhat harrowing, or even bad, I cannot but look at it with kind eyes, hoping that it trades lower so that I could buy more.

Stocks are struggling mightily today and I suspect there’s more selling to be done — which I why I’d advise you to heed caution ahead of HER birthday and the JFK files — which are supposed to be released as she blows out the 100th candle on her buttercream birthday cake.

If I’m wrong and we pop off, so be it. I have an entire portfolio of systematically placed stocks that is designed to pace the market — something that I am sure many of you have neglected to partake in. You cannot simply go around, like an idiot, buying and selling high risk stocks without protection and expect to get away with it. Eventually, the pied piper will come and smash your brains in, as in the case of Moviepass — which seems to only trade down with schoolgirl excitement these days.