Traders Who Profit Off Natural Disasters Are Evil

On the news of Hurricane Irma shattering an old record for sustaining winds of 185mph, I bought some PGTI — because people will need them HURRICANE RESISTANT windows in the not-too-distant future. In the event a miracle happens and Florida isn’t shredded down to the sewer pipes, I bought an insurance outfit, UVE, in order to profit from the lack of destruction post Irma.

If the ‘Cane should swing left and barrel down the Gulf of Mexico sideways, I suspect the oil industry will enter a period of extreme crisis — which is why I am long OAS.

My final two ways to profit off of Hurricane Irma is to be long FIZZ — because people will become parched after running for cover. I suspect they’re cleaning out their local grocery stores right now, as we speak, to buy out all of the La Croix inventory. Am I right?

Lastly, some estimates suggest that the damages inflicted upon Florida could amount to a clownish figure of $300 billion. If you paired that number with the ~$200 billion inflicted by Harvey, I imagine our banking sector might become impaired, at least for a short while. To hedge the downside, I am long FAZ.

These are all my new discretionary trading ideas. My quantitative strategies are all jogging on fine, comporting themselves with both dignity and honor.