Here’s What I’d Do with the $700 Million Powerball Jackpot Winnings

Setting aside all theatricalities, I’d do some truly terrible things with the winnings.

First, I’d complete the Orbital Space Cannon (OSC), a project I had started back in 2007, but failed to complete due to a shortage of green lasers. After completing it, I’d wipe several nations off the map, targeting their leaders with MUH laser precision.

Then I’d set up a slush fund dedicated to really, really hostile takeovers. These fucking things would be angry, believe me. My company will be equipped with former prosecutors who will not only dredge up dirt on my targets, but also recommend prosecution and removal from society. A typical Fly takeover would look like this.

Fly Co. files 13-d, demands “all of the seats on the board.”

Fly Co. files motion to have entire executive suite removed.

Fly Co. releases dossier on executives revealing widespread criminality.

Board approves takeover by Fly Co.

Executives sentenced to 15 years in prison for fucking with Fly Co.

Also, I’d expand my burgeoning media empire to include live teevee. I’d hire the most egregious people to ever walk the face of the earth. I wouldn’t hire ignorant meatheads, but certified geniuses and debate champions who’d lay waste to every single person who stepped onto the set.

Finally, with the balance of my new found winnings, I’d finance a movement to STOP STREET PROTESTERS WHERE THEY STAND. I do not recognize their democratic rights and would launch a swarm of drones on them, wherever they congregate, which would bomb them with jumping jacks. This is similar to what I used to do during my Wall Street days, when I’d cruise the streets of Wall in my 1980’s styled stretched limo, roll down the heavily tinted windows and say “take this, you fucking pikers”, just before tossing a pack of jumping jacks into a crowd of brokers. This drone strike idea would be an upgraded version of that, sure to be both a crowd pleaser and really ignite a lot of people.

NOTE: That is NOT me in the picture featured on the front page, of an older fat man fixing to win the lottery. He does have cool sideburns though.

For those of you unfamiliar with what an ICO is, I recommend you read one my previous missives on the subject.

In short, they are scams built on top of scams that are scams.

However, just like in previous bubbles and scams, at least before the bubble popped, there are winners. Back in the dot com bubble, I got rich, until I lost most of my money in the 2001 meltdown.

Jehan Chu, a former art advisor in posh Hong Kong, made a fortune investing in Bitcoins — starting off in 2013. He made so much money, he quit his job and is now seeking to raise $100 million to invest in ICOs.

If you’re worried about the speculative nature of investing in an ‘asset’ that does not have voting rights, ownership in the entity, regulated by anyone outside Github and Reddit forums, don’t worry. Mr. Chu said he ‘isn’t interested in speculation’ and will only buy coins with strong funds and potential.

How nice.

To br clear, this isn’t speculation.

Source: BBG

“When we make a call for what we think is a good investment, it’s not because we think it’s a speculative play,” Chu said in an interview in Hong Kong. “It’s because we’re looking at the fundamentals based on years of experience.”

His pitch.

“We have a different level of access to tokens than the average person off the street,” Chu said. “We have relationships and we add value to these teams and these businesses and companies that we’re committed to longer term.”

Presently, the cryptocurrency market is valued at $152 billion, a new record. Most of the gains are found in Ethereum backed ICOs — as evidenced by Bitcoin’s 45% dominance in the entire cap.

Jesus Christ. Nothing gets my goad more than financial illiteracy.

The once famous Valerie Plame of the Plamegate controversy wants to have President Trump removed from Twitter. To do this, Valerie skipped over the boring process of petitioning or lobbying the Twitter board to have Trump removed and instead has opted for the Gordon Gekko path to conduct a hostile takeover of the company, at which point she will then have this done.

The only roadblock in her way to buying out the company, presently valued at around $12 billion, is the lack of resources to do it. Never fear, Ms. Plame has solved that riddle, and more, by simply launching a Go Fund Me Page, which is now being funded by financial illiterates.

To be honest, the registry of the donors would make a fine kill list, cleansing the world of people too stupid to function and contribute to society.

Ms. Plame is merely looking to raise 1 BILLION DOLLARS (cue Dr. Evil). To date, she’s raised about $10,000 — but that number is bound to grow as her publicity increases.

If @Twitter executives won’t shut down Trump’s violence and hate, then it’s up to us. #BuyTwitter #BanTrump https://t.co/HhbaHSluTx

— Valerie Plame Wilson (@ValeriePlame) August 18, 2017

This is a scam worthy of being featured on the fine CNBC show, American Greed. Nevertheless, here’s her pitch.

“Let’s #BuyTwitter and delete Trump’s account before he starts a nuclear war with it. The whole world will thank us when we do!”

My God, this cannot be happening. Can it?

Scores of people are, ignorantly, funding her account to ‘buy Twitter’, led by a person who has probably never bought a stock in her life, let alone manage a board and run a company. If by the grace of zeus she raises $1 billion, that’s hardly enough to demand change at the company. Plus, what sort of shit is this anyway, publicly stating the intent to raise money to ‘buy’ a company, which is bound to have a profound impact on the share price?

The White House responds!

“Her ridiculous attempt to shut down his first amendment is the only clear violation and expression of hate and intolerance in this equation.”

The last person to pull a gambit like this was Jill Stein, who raised millions to do a meaningless recount, preying on the feeble emotions of Hillary voters. She ended up pocketing the cash for her ‘Green Party.’

What will Plame do with her #BanTrump donations? Will she simply buy and hold TWTR stock, or use it for other purposes?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Related: Fox’s Gasparino reported earlier ‘chatter’ about Disney buying Twitter. How can Disney compete versus the Barbarian Plame at Twitter’s gates?

banker chatter abt $dis buying $twtr I’m dubious but I know smart people who say it makes sense from an over the top cord cutting standpoint

— Charles Gasparino (@CGasparino) August 23, 2017

It has been professed by retail experts that both HD and LOW were impervious to the scourge of Amazon, since MUH constructionfags like to buy their sheetrock on location, instead of tinkering with websites. That thesis might hold true for retards, but everyone else knows that Amazon doesn’t destroy companies overnight. They slowly nibble away at the margins until nothing is left of the host, but a faded memory and largess capital losses.

The company missed on earnings, guided lower for both earnings and revenues — but insists everything is just fine.

Reports Q2 (Jul) earnings of $1.57 per share, excluding non-recurring items, $0.06 worse than the Capital IQ Consensus of $1.63; revenues rose 6.8% year/year to $19.5 bln vs the $19.58 bln Capital IQ Consensus. Q2 Comparable sales increased 4.5 percent

Co issues guidance for FY18, sees EPS of $4.20-4.30, excluding non-recurring items, vs. $4.64 Capital IQ Consensus Estimate; sees FY18 revs of +5% to $68.27 bln vs. $68.4 bln Capital IQ Consensus Estimate. EPS guidance is reflective of the loss on extinguishment of debt and the gain from the sale of the company’s interest in its Australian joint venture (prior guidance $4.20-4.30). Comparable sales are expected to increase approximately 3.5 percent The company expects to add approximately 25 home improvement and hardware stores. Operating income as a percentage of sales (operating margin) is expected to increase 80 to 100 basis points.2 The effective income tax rate is expected to be 36.9%.

The miss has cast an ominous shadow across the home improvement space, with losses abundant in GNRC, HOFT, AYI, ETH BLDR, AWI, USG and RH. Homebuilders are getting hit too, with outsized declines in HOV, BZH and MTH.

In summary, we now have the entire retail segment of the economy in disarray. The last two bastions of strength, footwear and home improvement, have now joined the cadre of companies affected by the rarely talked about demographic shifts in the economy that are accelerating to the downside.

This is why I’m a vegan now. You meat eaters are fucking insane. Look at this new venture, backed by the devils at Cargill, Bill Gates and “Sir” Richard Branson.

Memphis Meats, serving ‘clean meat’ without the animal — lab tested and approved. The fuck out of here.

Here’s what the company claims to be doing.

That’s why we started Memphis Meats. Our goal is simple: to change the way meat gets to your plate. We’re developing a way to produce real meat from animal cells, without the need to feed, breed and slaughter actual animals. We expect our products to be better for the environment (requiring up to 90% fewer greenhouse gas emissions, land and water than conventionally-produced meat), the animals and public health. And most importantly, they’re delicious.

With our home-base in the San Francisco Bay Area, we’re combining the innovative spirit of Silicon Valley and the rich food traditions of the American south to provide a better meat and world.

Naturally, they’re based in San Fransicko.

The pitch to the normies is, eat our meat, save the world from starvation, in a very clean, organic way. But this is Frankenstonion science, the sort of unnatural behavior that is bound to have lasting ramifications. New diseases will be born; but profit margins will go through the roof.

The good folks from Cargill discuss their investment in ‘Memphis Meats’, a company based nowhere near Memphis — but its named designation denotes comfort and trustworthiness to midwestern Americans.

Our equity position with Memphis Meats gives Cargill entry into the cultured protein market and allows us to work together to further innovate and commercialize,” Roberts said. “We believe that consumers will continue to crave meat, and we aim to bring it to the table, as sustainably and cost-effectively as we can. Cultured meats and conventionally produced meats will both play a role in meeting that demand.”

Fuck you, I ate a roasted pepper, 3 beans, and a few shards of lettuce for dinner last night.

YUMMMM, delicious.

It’s disgusting. And, by the way, it costs $9,000 a pound. Get me out of here. I want to go back into the Matrix.

The Trump Presidency is making a lot of people craaazy. Frankly, I don’t understand why you’re falling into the trap, getting all bent out of shape over things beyond your control. Clearly, anyone looking at this objectively can plainly see the President wields little to no power. The one thing Trump has crystallized for the American people, it is proof, without a shadow of a doubt, the office of President is a farce — a public relations tool to keep the people at bay, while unelected government steers the country wherever the deem fit.

Here’s the former DNI for Obama, James Clapper, crossing the rubicon, claiming the President is ‘unfit for command.’ This is a significant moment in American history, so don’t dismiss it. Up until now, political shills and no namers in Congress had been making this claim. Coming from the former intelligence director, this is bound to embolden many others to parrot what he just said.

In response to Clapper, Lt. Col. Tony Shaffer, a man who once briefed Clapper, outright called him ‘an idiot’ for flat out saying the President was mentally ill.

“Apparently Jim Clapper is now a is a PhD in analyzing people remotely,” Shaffer quipped, before positing “Jim Clapper is an idiot. I’ve briefed that man several times,” Shaffer continued. “When I briefed him on very complex operations, you can see this vacant look, he just doesn’t get stuff.”

Shaffer then accused Clapper of becoming “a political bot.”

“He actually just parrots what he’s been told,” said Shaffer. “In this case, I think he’s starting to roll out the new anti-Trump line, that he’s not fit to serve.”

“This is what the left has become all about,” Shaffer continued to opine. “It’s not about facts, it’s about ‘oh I think this may be this, I feel this way about it.’”

The constant back and forth between the two parties has led to extremism, with one side being represented by ‘nazis’ and the other by ‘Stalinists.’ It’s like we’re living through a massive psychosis where mental illness is not only a form of acceptable behavior, but also encouraged.

Last week ESPN held a perfectly innocent Fantasy Foolsball auction, which was reviled by people who said it reminded them of a slave auction. Really? So immature men playing fantasy foolsball can’t have an auction anymore because it reminds people of how Hollywood depicted slave auctions? Oh, maybe if ESPN would’ve peppered in a few black guys, then the optics would look better, right?

How does anyone expect racism to end when we’re constantly reminding people of the color of people’s skin? Do you really think the people in the above auction thought they were partaking in a ‘slave auction’?

This insanity caused ESPN to pull their Asian sports reporter from a game last night because his name was Robert Lee. I suppose they didn’t want to trigger anyone, so they shelved the nice Asian lad, bedraggled by a most unfortunate name. Perhaps Mr. Lee should change his name to Cao or Wang?

A few years ago, Morgan Freeman chastised 60 Minutes’ Mike Wallace for suggesting black Americans needed a month to celebrate their history. In the same clip, featured below, he lectured CNN’s Don Lemon about race issues, saying ‘if you’re talking about it, it exists.’

I could not agree more.

You can go back to acting like insane fucking apes again. As you were.

Markets are under minor distribution today, with nothing important to note, aside from a few pops and drops in retail. But Snapchat is sharply higher today and has been drifting higher for the past month.

This action demands that you answer my next question: Is $SNAP reviled enough for us to buy it now, and revel in its glory, as it trends higher?

Before you throw your mashed potatoes at me, let me remind you how terribly wrong you all were with Facebook. I was here, minding my own business, buying it at $32. You laughed at me, called me named in the comments section, reducing me to shambles. When the stock clocked in at $18, many of you predicted, incredulously, it would go to $5 or lower. There was so much hatred for Facebook back then, you’d think it was an organization run by nazi white supremacists.

Alas, the balance of life reinstated order. Facebook exploded higher. Le Fly was proven right and the rest is history.

Are we seeing a similar situation with SNAP now?

If not, why?

Clearly, all of the kids love it. Their growth numbers are terrific and the potential for making gobs of money present.

So why aren’t you buying SNAP today?

I’d rather eat ham sandwiches, shitposting about how stupid the DNC is than even think about voting for a D — with this sort of clownery taking place.