iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
16,836 Blog Posts

Here’s What I’d Do with the $700 Million Powerball Jackpot Winnings

Setting aside all theatricalities, I’d do some truly terrible things with the winnings.

First, I’d complete the Orbital Space Cannon (OSC), a project I had started back in 2007, but failed to complete due to a shortage of green lasers. After completing it, I’d wipe several nations off the map, targeting their leaders with MUH laser precision.

Then I’d set up a slush fund dedicated to really, really hostile takeovers. These fucking things would be angry, believe me. My company will be equipped with former prosecutors who will not only dredge up dirt on my targets, but also recommend prosecution and removal from society. A typical Fly takeover would look like this.

Fly Co. files 13-d, demands “all of the seats on the board.”

Fly Co. files motion to have entire executive suite removed.

Fly Co. releases dossier on executives revealing widespread criminality.

Board approves takeover by Fly Co.

Executives sentenced to 15 years in prison for fucking with Fly Co.

Also, I’d expand my burgeoning media empire to include live teevee. I’d hire the most egregious people to ever walk the face of the earth. I wouldn’t hire ignorant meatheads, but certified geniuses and debate champions who’d lay waste to every single person who stepped onto the set.

Finally, with the balance of my new found winnings, I’d finance a movement to STOP STREET PROTESTERS WHERE THEY STAND. I do not recognize their democratic rights and would launch a swarm of drones on them, wherever they congregate, which would bomb them with jumping jacks. This is similar to what I used to do during my Wall Street days, when I’d cruise the streets of Wall in my 1980’s styled stretched limo, roll down the heavily tinted windows and say “take this, you fucking pikers”, just before tossing a pack of jumping jacks into a crowd of brokers. This drone strike idea would be an upgraded version of that, sure to be both a crowd pleaser and really ignite a lot of people.

NOTE: That is NOT me in the picture featured on the front page, of an older fat man fixing to win the lottery. He does have cool sideburns though.

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23 comments

  1. natehois

    I would get on camera and say “stay tuned to iBankCoin to see what I do with this money” and brick your servers.

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  2. acehood

    I’d donate it all to ANTIFA.

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    • Dr. Fly

      Actually not a bad idea. You could arm them too and issue fake lists of NAZIS to foment civil war.

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    • fryguy15

      Awesome idea. For a mare $200mm, you could buy yourself an army of teenage retard ninja warriors. A real “entourage”

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  3. heckler

    I’d devote vast sums to an in-depth investigation of “The Fly,” sideburns included

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  4. ferd

    A couple years in Jersey and Fly has devolved into talking about how to spend stupidity tax winnings.

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    • Dr. Fly

      When I was a boy, my grandfather would send me to the store every week to play his lottery numbers. After I gave him the ticket, we’d talk about how we’d spend the money for an hour or so.

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    • moonshot

      What would you do with stupidity tax winnings? Burn them?

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  5. LP

    I stopped reading at green laser, as it’s in the middle of the color spectrum and thus clearly trounced by a blue one.

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  6. probucks

    I would buy a fuck ton of SNAP @market and start a short-squeeze of biblical proportions

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    • probucks

      then unload the shares the next day and buy a majority stake in TWTR so I can fire Jack

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  7. metalleg

    Just jacks.

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  8. gappingandyapping
    gappingandyapping

    Meanwhile a company making no money with no assets other than a phone app that hails cabs for you is worth 100 times your piker lottery winnings………………….. Wow I just blew my own mind.

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  9. sarcrilege

    While there’s several nations you would wipe off the map, there’s only one State on my list to nuke from orbit and then target its sympathizers with MUH laser precision wherever they’d be hiding.

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  10. fasteddie2

    With cool sideburns like that, I hope that’s not Woodshedder we’re seeing in the photo! I recall MVIS issuing warrants and using the proceeds to buy out all green lasers patents and file them away for all eternity, essentially saving the planet from a functional OSC.

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  11. TJWP

    You could hire a group of unemployed veterans to show up to these Nazi/Antifag protests and just bash the shit out of both sides (you know… what the police SHOULD be doing).

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  12. The Maven

    Jumping Jacks are my favorite weapons of mass destruction.

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