Parasitic Hedge Fund Industry Surpasses $3 Trillion in Assets for First Time Ever

God I do not miss managing money. Truth be told, there’s a ridiculous amount of money to be made using others people’s money; but there’s a cost to that. Most of the money managers that I know are parasitic, blackguardly, talking potatoes.

Stock brokers are the absolute worse, hog butchers and racalcitrant salesmen whose entire lives are committed to the art of convincing someone else to retain their services. The best money you could make is in sales. But, like I said, there’s a cost — your fucking soul.

Nevertheless, good news for the frog faces high off cocaine: assets under management passed $3 trillion for the first time ever, in America’s beloved hedge fund industry. I anticipate their mode of living to increase in both vigor and tenacity, as a result.

We all look forward to the leaders of this wondrous industry to offer us didactic lessons in how to make money in stocks — as we endure in the milieux of traders and self directed ‘investors’ in rather meaningless and pointless exhibitions in futility.

It’s worth noting, outflows exceeded $70b in the hedge fund industry last year and only passed $3t thanks to the late year Trump rally.