Team Hillary Clinches Nomination For President of the United States of America

Thank you Puerto Rico. Now that Bernard Sanders has been shuffled aside to the trash heap of time, the real campaigning can begin, in earnest, for Team Hillary (yay!). This is a very historic moment for the United States, as the first woman is about to become the leader of the free world. The fucking bastard, Trump, stands in the way of true gender equality. God willing, he will contract herpes or gonorrhea and drop out of the race–permitting #TEAMHILLARY to make history, or might I say HERstory.

“We are on the brink of a historic and unprecedented moment but we still have work to do.
“We have six elections tomorrow and we’re gonna fight hard for every single vote, especially right here in California.”

This is all indelibly wonderful for the markets, as the specter of a generous Ebenezer Scrooge taking the White House, providing free stuff to all of the base creatures who traverse the gutters of America, would likely lead to a market rout not seen before since 1929.

I am sure you’re all super excited, in a very gender neutral way of course, to celebrate this momentous occasion with your life partners.

Cheers to Hillary and the first gentleman, Bill ‘the fucking rapist’ Clinton, for locking in the win. America needs some level headed Clinton-economics, right about now.

Catamites everywhere agree, June is the time to get back into stocks with full force and gusto. Along those lines of thinking, I’ve tapped into the cellars of Exodus to provide the world with the very best performing stocks for the month of June.

Here are stocks that fall within the guidelines of 75% win-rate, accompanied by their historical percentage gains, for June of course.

SAM +4.4%
INFY +4.99%
ILMN +5.1%
SKF +5.5% (indeud)
ULTA +4.6%
ZAGG +15%
DMRC +13%
ANAC +12%
LOCK +12%
YELP +12%
AMBA +12.6%

There are more. If I was running money now, I’d be in treasuries, cash and a basket of these fuckhead stocks–maybe YELP, ANAC and a commodity related stock of my choosing. The life of the market is born in commodities. Plain and simple, if you’re bullish on stocks, you’re an idiot for not having some sort of exposure. Additionally, healthcare and tech are the other pillars. Pick a solid stock, preferably away from the small cap arena and behave like a gentleman, or at least pretend that you’re one.

Wouldn’t it be funny if oil went back to $100? Oil stocks raced higher today. I mean, these things really took off, leaving boring REITs and bonds in the dust.

Stocks rose like Jesus from the tomb, by triple digits, to ingratiate all of its disciples who have been patiently waiting for the turn.

One could make the argument that stocks rose after the asshole, Lockhart, said the Fed should be patient, opting for a more dovish outlook on rates. Understand something, these are the most ridiculous trading days of your lives. You will reflect upon this era, pre-apocalypse, when the Fed would run around the country giving speeches, designed to trick and fool the public. I imagine, sometime in the future, these Fed heads will be brought up on charges, by the people, exiled from America–forced to walk on the other side of the wall, in the ravenous lands of Mexico for food and shelter.

I know, everyone made money and Le Fly is living out his days like a monk, in the house, smoking from his estate pipe. But you have to understand, I do not want to trade back and forth, to and fro, like some sort of paradiddle. Life has grander designs for House Fly, than to partake in a clownhouse with a bunch of baboons.

I am eating a mango now and becoming quite annoyed by it. The little strings are getting stuck in between my teeth, which is going to force me to go floss for the next 30 minutes until each and every fiber has been removed.

Also, it’s time for me to go to the gym, where I will attempt to injure myself through the lifting of things too heavy for my frame.

NOTE: I am not totally out of the game of stock picking. I have a portfolio running in Exodus, recently updated. One stock is up 65% since I added it and another is +15%. They’re some of my top thesis picks, heading into the elections, so join the halls of gentlemen in Exodus and absorb the expertise from a superior being.

This is reminiscent of when David Tepper, from the Short Hills shopping mall, tore down his former bosses $40 million hovel, mainly to spite him. Enter Stevie Cohen, Guy Fieri fanboy. While escaping imprisonment for the various crimes he committed while being a hedge fund manager, S. Cohen, feverishly, bid for a $62 million, piece of shit, mansion. He won the war. Now begins the arduous process of knocking the eyesore down, in order to build a better one.

That house was a traditional, shingled-style, 10,000-square-footer once owned by the late investment banker Robert McKeon, who committed suicide.

The home featured high ceilings, and antique oak and limestone floors, according to the listing. There was also a lofty, barn-style family room, a media room and a large master suite with ocean views.

Cohen’s new home can’t be bigger than the old one, thanks to the East End’s new anti-megamansion rules. Even underground rooms can’t expand past the width of the ground-floor walls.

The new house will feature a 9,700-square-foot first floor, while the second floor will be 4,620 square feet, and the basement will be 9,780 square feet, according to plans filed in East Hampton. There’s also a pool house.

Cohen already owns another beach mansion down the road on Further Lane, which he bought for $18 million.

I mean, look at this abomination.

Good thing he has another mansion on Further Lane. But, that one is a lot more spartan, only worth around $20 million. It is widely rumored that once construction of his new palace is complete, he will hang this perverted Picasso painting in it, which he purchased for the pedestrian price of $155 million.

I’ve been in the business since 1997. I’ve never seen the Fed talk so much shit. It’s outrageous, frankly. This is, without question, much worse than parsing Greenspan’s unbelievably difficult to understand doublespeak and much harder than determining the next Fed’s actions by the length of Bernanke’s beard.

Hellen’s beard is the longest of them all. This shit is unreal.

In a speech give today, Yellen warned Fed groupies to avoid taking 1 poor economic data point too seriously, calling it ‘transitory.’

The Fed is data dependent. Also, she posed a series of questions, in prepared remarked, asking whether the recent weakness in the jobs report was indicative of Americs being as ‘full employment’?

“Although this recent labor market report was, on balance, concerning, let me emphasize that one should never attach too much significance to any single monthly report,” she said in prepared remarks.

Still, Yellen said that an important theme of her remarks is the “inevitable uncertainty surrounding the outlook for the economy.”

“The uncertainties are sizable, and progress toward our goals and, by implication, the appropriate stance of monetary policy will depend on how these uncertainties evolve,” she said.
Key areas of uncertainty, she said, include the resilience of domestic demand, the international economic situation, productivity growth and the inflation outlook.

On domestic investment, Yellen said she suspects there’s a “transitory element” to recent weakness, but she acknowledged that labor market data “raise the less favorable possibility that firms may instead have decided to expand their operations more slowly.”

On the international front, Yellen said she is optimistic that foreign headwinds are fading, but added that the chance of a so-called “Brexit” could have “significant economic repercussions.” (Britain is holding a referendum on European Union membership later this month.)

“Is the markedly reduced pace of hiring in April and May a harbinger of a persistent slowdown in the broader economy? Or will monthly payroll gains move up toward the solid pace they maintained earlier this year and in 2015? Does the latest reading on the unemployment rate indicate that we are essentially back to full employment, or does relatively subdued wage growth signal that more slack remains?” she asked

She’s a clever one.

The logic is sublime. Since Facebook, Amazon, Netflix and Google look good, the entire market is poised to ‘melt up’, according to HSBC.

They also like industrials.

“The S&P 500 industrials sector has given a bull signal with momentum turning higher on the back of a positive cyclical trend indicator,” the analysts write, meaning that the slope of the 200-day moving average is showing positive momentum that could preface a further move higher.

Meanwhile, the heavyweight FANG stocks have been showing more strength following a tough start to 2016.

“This is further evidence that a melt up in U.S. stocks is becoming an increasing probability,” the HSBC analysts write, noting that the four stocks have broken through a so-called resistance line.

Stocks are melting higher today, incidentally, thanks to dovish comments by Fed’s Lockhart.

Since 2007, the Floridian citrus industry has been decimated due to citrus greening disease. It has afflicted massive damage to 75% of Flordia’s orange trees, which produce half of America’s orange juice. Cost of production has skyrocketed, as a result, and the price of orange juice has risen, in kind.

Today the futures are higher by more than 4%. The June production forecast will be released soon. Over the past 4 months, the forecast has risen steadily, now at 81 million boxes of oranges. Yet, in spite of the additional supply, prices are rising.

My guess, Moritmer and Mortimer are back, or people are gambling on a busy hurricane season.

Chase Coleman III must be half falling off his golf cart, as he attempts to traverse the bumpy roads of the stock market. For the year, thus far, his strategy of loading up on a few tech stocks, then hitting the course for some much needed T time, is sucking extreme dick.

Although his multi billion dollar hedge fund recovered 2.3% in May, his year to date losses still stand, clownishly, at -18%.

Chase the third has been ravaged to pieces in a number of stocks, including JD. More recently, he’s jumped on the Amazon and Netflix bandwagons, hoping the bellwethers will provide him with some outsized performance, so that he might get more time to practice his put.

Unfortunately, judging by his deep losses, he’ll likely be working this summer, foregoing yachting races in Nantucket and polo matches in his backyard.

So sad.

Fed’s Lockhart is out now with words of caution, despite just last week saying we needed to hike 3 more times in 2016. Apparently, Friday’s jobs report really scared the shit out of him. As such, he merely believes we should hike twice more in 2016. Moreover, he’s quite pleased with the way Fed policy has ‘stimulated’ the economy, thus far.

“I think the combination of the jobs report on Friday and the Brexit consideration justify patience.

“We’ll have to see what Janet Yellen has to say at lunch time … I haven’t had a chance to consult with her quite yet,” says Lockhart

“I’m more inclined to think in terms of two moves between now and the end of the year”

Morons of the very first magnitude.

Lockhart is widely viewed as a hawk and is on record saying June would be a ‘live’ meeting. This new dovish tone by Lockhart might provide succor for equity longs today.

Just this morning, three piece of shit biotech stocks got fucked by the FDA–all down upwards of 40%. The Obama administration has been very pro science, which has paved the way for gigantic rallies in biotech stocks. This wasn’t always the case under Bush, who regularly pandered to a psychotic religious right who detested science in favor of  Jesus cookies. Even with Obama’s Frankenstonian era of wanton experimentation and $500,000 aspirins, investing in the space can be a harrowing experience.

Case in point, today’s fucked face inverse lottery winners: ADMP, OCUL and DNAI.

We’ve all heard the success stories of people throwing all of their money into one biotech stock, making millions in the process. During last year’s iBC investors conference, I was entreated to such a tale. But, trust me when I tell you, many more men have taken to the flask, investing in this God foresaken industry than any other in the market.

Buy an ETF or at least screen for companies who already enjoy revenues. To invest in early stage R&D facilities is nothing short of gambling.