“The Fly’s” Guide to a Better Thanksgiving

Classic Thanksgiving material, originally posted 1,000 years ago, on a cave wall.

Enjoy.

A Gentleman’s Guide to Thanksgiving Decorum
Wed Nov 21, 2012 4:28pm 53 53,108 views

I like to consider myself to be an expert in decorum. Lucky for you, I am going to share some of my secrets, in order to help you socialize during tomorrow’s Thanksgiving feast.

When hosting, be sure to address each person who enters your home by their proper surname, even if it’s your mother and father.

Example: “Good afternoon Mr. Thomson. I am so happy you could attend, accompanied by the venerable Mrs. Thomson.”

Immediately have someone fetch their outer-garments, then invite them to your parlour for refreshments.

Example: “Mr. and Mrs Thomson, please join me in the parlour. Can I offer you some wine or perhaps something stronger?”

After your guests have loosened up, serve appetizers and ask that they make a small donation to your favorite charity.

Example: “Mr. Thomson, please have a meatball, they’re delectable. They’re made from kobe. Also, let me offer you an opportunity to be charitable. Are you aware that children in Africa do not celebrate Thanksgiving?” (then proceed with sales pitch)

After you’ve achieved your philanthropic goals, ask everyone to sit and prepare for dinner.

Example: “Gentlemen and ladies in attendance, please join me in the dining area, where we will be serving a freshly slaughtered, organic, free range, stuffed bird, cranned berried sauce and other fine delicacies.”

Once seated and served, ask that everyone join hands to say grace. You will perform this function, and do so with the professional acumen that comes natural to you.

Example: “Dear Turkey Gods, thank you for all of this food on this table. I particularly would like to thank you for inventing cranned berried sauce and stuffing. I will be sure to douse your body with gravy and devour you whole. A-fucking-men.” (apologize to the children immediately)

While at the table, small talk is important. Try to address your guests with respect, but let them know who’s boss. It’s also important to frame your sentences in a way that demands a response, in order to keep the party vibrant.

Example: “Mrs. Thomson, would you be kind enough to pass me the gravy, okay, pal? Mr. Thomson, do you see those biscuits over there? Would you be a champ and get them for me? I greatly appreciate your assistance, thanks skip.”

After dinner, dismiss the women from the table, so that they might clean up. Ask for refreshments too.

Example: “Okay ladies, please allow the men to mingle in bitter solitude for a few moments. Dear (referring to wife), go get us some Port and a box of cigars. Mrs. Thomson, make yourself at home. There are plenty of aprons under the sink, if you need one.”

After you’ve had a nice cigar and some dessert wine, re-invite the ladies to join the men in the drawing room to discuss politics and religion.

Example: “Ladies, if you’re done cleaning up, please join us in the drawing room for casual discussion. Mrs. Thomson, how do you feel about Islam?”

Now it’s time to wind down operations. But it’s important to do so without looking rude. You do not want your guests to feel as if you’re kicking them out.

Make believe your pocket-watch isn’t working, tapping on it, complaining “this darn thing stopped working again. Can anyone be so kind as to tell me what time is it?” After hearing the time, address a guest in a specific manner to make her feel as if she’s intruding, but do so without her knowing it is intentional.

Example: “Mrs. Thomson, do you have many things to do tomorrow morning? My wife has been complaining to me all week about getting an early start on this Black Friday thing. Do you intend to wake up with the roosters and join the frenzy?”

When saying goodbye to your guests, be sure to offer parting compliments, prior to waving your hand as they drive away.

Example: “Thank you so much for dining with us tonight Mr. Thomson. Your wife. Ms. (emphasis on Ms.) Thomson looked especially elegant this evening with her costume. Is this Hermes, Ms. Thomson? (As they drive away, while waving and smiling profusely, yell out “Ciao.”

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How to Comport Oneself as a Guest at a Thanksgiving Dinner Party
Dr. Fly Thu Nov 28, 2013 12:10am EST 33 Comments 3399

Last year we dove into the etiquette required to host a Thanksgiving Dinner party. Now we will address the important matter of comporting oneself as a guest, during the great holiday of Thanksgiving.

Upon arrival, hand the footman answering the door the sweets in your possession, as a gift to the host. You bring them in abundance, whether or not they are diabetic, on strict diets, or allergic to wheat. You bring them, nonetheless.

Example: “Hello Jeffrey (the name of the footman), please take this chocolate cake to the kitchen as a gift for my diabetic mother-in-law.”

After entering the home, be sure to exchange pleasantries with the hosts, both husband and wife. However, feel free to snub everyone else in a sudden act of aloofness.

Example: “Thank you so much for having us in your home (shaking the hand of the male, then kissing the right cheek of the female, keeping a 6 inch distance at all times). Immediately after being received, walk briskly and with purpose to the rear of the house, making believe everyone else were insignificant peasants of an underclass– invisible.

During refreshments, take up some casual conversation with the older looking men. They tend to harbor a great deal of vitriolic hate, since they’re markedly closer to death. It makes for great cocktail entertainement.

Example: “Hello Bill, have you been seeing all of those elderly people getting punched in the face by hyper-active urban students? I believe they call the game ‘knock-out.’ I read somewhere that Obamacare was going to issue free steel masks for the elderly to pre-empt expensive surgeries. Would you wear one?”

When dinner is announced, be sure to avoid sitting across from attractive ladies, as it might get you in unnecessary trouble with your wife during dinner. When the host requests that everyone donate to his charity of choice, due to some sympathetic cause, excuse yourself to the lavatory until after donations are taken.

Example: After hearing the request, call over one of the footmen and ask him to show you where the bathroom is located. “Excuse me William, would you be a sport and show me where you keep the bathroom hidden. I must relieve myself.”

Just before grace is said, ask the host if you could do the honors of offering a few words of thanks. During your brief speech, be sure to plug your company and/or services in a clever way that might appeal to the affluent gents in attendance.

Example: “Dear Lord, please bless these turkeys before they head into our mouths and stomachs.Thank you for allowing my firm (name of company) to excel this year with 30% gains in the stock market for the fifth consecutive year. I am sure we all have things to be thankful for and I felt it would be selfish of me if I didn’t speak my mind on this joyous occasion to let you know how pleased I am with the talents you’ve bestowed upon me. Omen.” (be sure to say “Omen” and not “Amen”, as it suggests better breeding.)

Following dinner, when the females are introduced to the aprons and the men retire to the antechamber for port and cigars, be sure to ally yourself with most aggressive debater, as it will allow you to vanquish the other males without breaking a sweat.

Example: “Bob is right. All of the evidence points towards CNBC being run by a homosexual mafia. Anyone who suggests otherwise, like Bob said, must have something to hide. QED.” (break the ash from your cigar, inadvertently onto the persian rugs below.) “I’m so sorry about that.”

When the ladies have cleaned up and are re-invited into the drawing room, feel free to establish small talk.

Example: “I really feel that if a mother doesn’t nurse a newborn with her own milk, such a mother is failing at her duties and should be replaced. Any father in his right mind knows this goes against the laws of nature and should prevent this abuse from occurring with all of his will.” Other gents chime in “HEAR! HEAR!” rattling their canes onto the floors below.

After several ladies complain about your remarks in disgust, pardon yourself and blame it on the excessive alcohol being served.

Example: “I am very sorry Mrs. Thompson. I believe Bill here has given me too much to drink, as I am not my usual self. TEN THOUSAND APOLOGIES.”

Shortly after, excuse yourself to the restroom and feign sickness. This will allow you to leave early, and avoid boredom.

Example: After coming back from the bathroom, holding your stomach, say “I am very sorry but Margaret and I must be going now, I am feeling rather ill. Perhaps the turkey or the port didn’t agree with me. Thank you so much for this lovely dinner.” Try to add a slight bit of sarcasm towards the end of the last sentence, but not overtly. You do not want to come off as rude.

When the hosts walk with you to the door to see you out, just before kissing the female host goodbye, make believe you’re about to vomit on her–but catch yourself with a clenched fist to the mouth.

Example: “Bill and Diane, I wish we could stay longer. This was lovely. (lean in to kiss Diane goodbye, then let the faux nausea begin!) Oh, my, I am really feeling rather ill and should depart at once. I bid you goodbye.” (tips hat, pushes open door with cane, exits).

I am thankful for being born into this ravenous society, obstacles placed in front of my path. Difficulty levels are orders of magnitude greater now– than ever before.

As a trader and student of the market, I am thankful for all other investors who came before me, imparting their experiences, through the written word, for the benefit of future generations. Right now, I am thankful for Henry Clews’, 28 Years in Wall Street.

It’s fairly obvious to me that making the decision to become a stocked broker was probably the worst decision I ever made. Nevertheless, it has afforded me an existence and this god forsaken stock market, for better of for worse, has provided me with a venue to discuss my thoughts online–building a foundation for what will one day be revered as the single best finance site that was ever created: iBankCoin. I’m a five tool player, son. Get out of my way.

I am thankful for the Tontine Coffee House, NYC, where this NYSE thing all started. The Buttonwood Agreement and that damned tree too: I am thankful. A shout out to the players at the Gallagher’s Evening Exchange. I am thankful for you.

To J.M. Walker: you sold too soon. I am thankful for your mistakes.

Even the losers, I am thankful for you, especially old man Daniel Drew, James C. Flood and Wm. C. Ralston. I’ve learned from your mistakes, more than you probably thought was possible.

At any rate, The Turkey Gods are here. Don’t fight the wave of gravy that is about to crash on you. Embrace it and become the gravy. I’ll see you fuckers on Friday.

I have little doubt that the vermin in Turkey plotted and schemed, in their little Turkish bath ways, to shoot down a Russian bomber.

Why?

Because the Syrian Turkmen were being bombed out into obliteration.

The attack appeared to be “an ambush” and “looks very much like a planned provocation,” Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov told reporters Wednesday in Moscow, suggesting Turkey was defending Syrian anti-government fighters based in nearby areas. “We can’t leave what happened without a response.”

Then there’s this.

A Russian pilot rescued by special forces backed up the assertion that no warnings were given, “not by radio, not visually,” according to comments to state media.

“If they’d wanted to warn us, they could have shown themselves, taking a parallel course,” the pilot said. “But there was nothing. And the rocket hit the tail of our plane suddenly. We didn’t even get a visual of it in time to take evasive action.”

Bottom line: As much shit as we talk about Russia, in no way are they a declared enemy. Turkey should have warned them, or escort the Russian jet out of their airspace. No, not the fucking Turks. The Turks had to shoot the fucking plane down, because they’re Turks and without brains.

BBG view digged deep into the cash strapped (lolz) Pershing Square and how Ackman just took down another 12.5 mill shares of VRX, for just $75 mill.

That’s because he didn’t buy stock: He went to two derivatives dealers, Nomura and UBS, and bought call options on Friday that give him any gains in value of Valeant’s stock above the strike price of $95. He also sold those dealers put options, which put him on the hook for any losses in the value of the stock below the strike price of $60. And he sold other call options with a strike price of $165, capping his upside: If the stock gets above $165, he gives up any further gains. Then he did the same thing again on Monday, only with strike prices of $100, $70 and $130. The options he bought cost about $235 million, plus about $9 million of hedging costs; the options he sold brought in about $169 million. Here’s the accounting:

The result of all of this is a set of payoffs that look, locally, a bit like buying stock; if the stock ends up above $95 but below $165, Ackman has more or less done the equivalent of buying $1.1 billion worth of stock, though with a bit of friction. Further away from today’s price, though, it looks different: If the stock ends up below $95 — and, again, it’s below there now — Ackman avoids some losses, though if Valeant really craters he’s on the hook. And if Valeant ends up back where it was when Ackman was first buying — that is, near $200 — then he misses out on some of the gains.

Ackman is either the most stubborn man on the face of the planet. Or, he is 100% sure, due to thorough investigation, that Bronte Capital and Citron Research are merely feces tossers, men yelling fire in a room filled with pyrophobics.

I am long VRX.

The Stocktwits and Twitter KBIO message boards are on fire again, as KBIO spring boards back into euphoria, ahead of the CEOs interview with Bloomberg at 1pm.

Ok, that’s it. There isn’t any medical news forthcoming or some ground breaking devlopments or ventures about to take place. No. The only reason why the stock is higher is because its oddball CEO is going on the teevee at 1pm.

Oh, and there’s still a bunch of “the next KBIOs” going on over there, pointing to share prices action in GENE, AEZS and MCUR as hard evidence.

Fucking morons. You’re all gonna blow yourselves up.

Can you people quit being so miserable, if only for the next few days? I might have to do a post on how to properly conduct yourselves during the holiday season. There’s too much vitriolic hatred around here. Take lessons from “the dude” and unwind, man.

The next two trading days are layups. The day before and after Thanksgiving are usually strong. However, don’t expect the same grace next week. I do recall plenty of ‘cyber mondays’ gone astray. There is a solid chance we rally into year end, only because retail stocks are already appreciably lower this year. But don’t count on it.

The best trade here is to be very long now, then lighten up on Friday. It might sound short sighted and without balls; but 2015 has been a year marked with penis chopping expeditions and really bad karma…man.

Fuck 2015 and fuck my 16% gains. I hated this year and I will not get all giddy and shit, just because I’m within 24 hours of stuffing my face with protein.

Smile. National Festival is upon you (extra bipolar).

This one is slightly less amusing, only because I’m actually long VRX now. Nonetheless, the comedy I am entreated to, as VRX dives lower, much to Bill Ackman’s chagrin, due to some connect the dots whodunnit gambit–by some blogspot addressed website– is very fulfilling for me.

I enjoyed this one quite a bit.

Apparently, VRX has other pharamcies named after chess moves and Stephem King references.

I would like to get to the bottom of this. I am sure VRX has a solid explanation.

Uh, he mentioned the “f” word. Now everyone, like good little lemmings, pile into the short trade.

FML

Negative yields are persisting in Europe, with German 2yr now -0.41%. We’re seeing negative yields in most developed european nations, with Spainish and Italian yields lower than ours.

What gives?

European QE has crushed the euro and helped ease the credit crisis that was unfolding, rapidly, back in 2011. Heading into December, both the ECB and Federal Reserve are looking to make a move. The only difference is we’re looking to do the exact opposite of one another.

Speculation of further stimulus from the ECB has mounted ever since President Mario Draghi indicated in October that the Governing Council would act if needed to drive up inflation to its 2 percent target, a view echoed by several policymakers.
The ECB will next decide policy on Dec. 3, less than two weeks before a Federal Reserve meeting in which the U.S. central bank is widely expected to raise rates from zero for the first time in nearly a decade.

The likely outcome of both meetings has already been priced in by financial markets, which is why the euro has weakened over six percent against the U.S. dollar since Draghi’s comments last month.

Inflation, meanwhile, rose to 0.1 percent last month and a core measure is showing signs of strengthening over the past few months.

Still, a poll of over 50 economists taken this week showed forecasters predict an 80 percent probability of the ECB announcing further easing next Thursday – roughly the same result as the previous two polls.

“It (the ECB) cannot run the risk of disappointing markets, having raised expectations of action. Action in some form or other looks like a racing certainty; it’s merely a question of the form it takes,” said Ken Wattret at BNP Paribas in London.

How can the Fed look to tighten at a time when the ECB is set to ease further? Clearly, they’re both looking into the same deflationary vortex, one that is exacerbated by a strong dollar. It’s not like the US has some special kind of growth here, or inflationary pressures are simply too much to bear.

No.

This is sheer fuckery, largess. The only logical explanation for all this leads to an illogical conclusion: The Fed wants to expedite the crash in commodity related stocks and clear the market of weak balance sheets.

Morgan Stanely is out with a report, highlighting income inequality in developed nations. The frenched fried eat scoundrels of Portugal took the 1st place trophy, followed by a series of southern european knaves. Juat behind Spain was the good old US of A, fucking people hard since Reagan left office.

“Past generations of middle-class families, emerging from the post-WWII period, could aspire to improving living standards, with a reasonably sized house, a good education for their children” and dependable pensions, Morgan Stanley economists said in their report Tuesday. “In contrast, middle-class aspirations are now running up against the wall of job and retirement insecurity.”

At least the stock market is within an ear shot of all time highs, no?

The Federal Reserve has $29 billion in surplus reserves. The drug addled degenerates in Congress, instead of doing their job and balancing a budget, have their eyes fixed on the Fed’s money–like the greedy little bank robbers they are.

Lawmakers are trying to pass a $325 billion highway bill to fix America’s crumbling roads and bridges. And Congress wants part of the funds to come from the Fed’s emergency stash of money.

In fact, Congress wants to take the $29 billion from the Fed and close the account for good too.

The Fed created this “surplus account,” shortly after it began operating in 1914. The idea was that it would serve as a cushion to absorb any potential losses the Fed incurs.

However, many members of Congress believe that the Fed doesn’t need the money any more and should be put to better use.
“It is appropriate to liquidate [the Fed’s surplus] account to meet today’s realities,” Randy Neugebauer, a Republican Congressman from Texas, told the House earlier in November.

The House agreed, and overwhelmingly voted to include the Fed’s billions in the highway bill.

The Fed doesn’t want to look like Congress’ bank account.

“To the extent that they’re seen as a piggy bank, threatens them,” says David Wessel, director of the Hutchins Center on Fiscal and Monetary Policy at the Brookings Institution.

And last week, two Republicans proposed a bill that would require the Fed to operate its monetary policy based on a defined rule — something the Fed believes would hamper its ability to act during times of crises.

Fed officials say all of these actions, including Congress reaching into its piggy bank, jeopardizes the Fed’s independence from politics.

“Using a central bank as a source of revenue to cover the cost of a fiscal program is dangerous to its independence,” Fed Vice Chair Stanley Fischer said earlier in November.

So, let’s set the record straight. Our elected officials have all but ruined this countries balance sheet, amassing almost $20 trillion in debt and that number is growing daily. Now that they’ve exhausted all sources of capital, through fucked up tax hikes and surcharges on everything but soup cans, they want to dip their beaks into the Fed’s pot, like mafiosa.

Times are changing, lads. The dichotomy between a bankrupt and corrupt Federal government, coupled with rich corporate and Federal Reserve balance sheets is leading us to a point where the people with the guns, ultimately, take what they want–just like any decent banana republic worth its salt.