I HAVE THE CHEAP OIL WINNER

As the Bakken, slowly but surely falls into the vortex of despair and agony, thanks to our friends the Saudis, the same chaps who demolished our antiquated World Trade Tower–FREE OF CHARGE; other companies profit from this sea-change event.

What are we talking about here, you ponder? What the fuck is going on?

I will tell you.

Gone are the days of energy independence, the dream of having oil barrels in our backyards as the kids run about the fields slapping each other in the faces with hydraulic pumps. For a moment there, the Saudis really had us going. We ramped up production, excluded ourselves from the cartel of OPEC, and advertised our manifest destiny on Fox News, exclaiming “NO MORE RELIANCE ON MIDDLE EASTERN CRUDE.” After all, those people are head-choppers and airplane crashers. Civilized society doesn’t have a place for them.

We sent our brightest engineers to the Permian Basin and the Bakken to extract this oil. We bought the land from the people who owned it for billions and began to build an empire built upon the very minerals in the earth. The only problem with this business plan of ours was the cost. We needed oil to remain upward of $80 per barrel in order to sustain the sort of gung-ho, America rocks, attitude in these hard to drill areas. What good is oil independence if it means it must be expensive forever? A riddle wrapped inside of a puzzle, inside of a fag-box, no doubt.

We got lured in real good, a giant snare was set, and the dreamers took the bait.

Now the rug is being pulled. The lower crude goes, the faster our oil production will decrease, the wider the smiles on the faces of our friends, the Saudis.

If oil trades to $50, rest assured, 70% of the oil stocks you see on your screen will be trading down more than 50% from today’s current prices, if not more. We will firmly be placed into the prison cells with the camels, for eternity, and our economy will reel from the investment losses realized from the bust once known as “The Bakken Shale.”

The city of Destin will become a ghost town and we will never talk about it again.

I write this to you, on this very night, not to scare you. Instead, I write this to tell you what our true destiny is and how to profit from it.

Your sons and daughters will all be employed by this company and you will rely upon them for sustenance and comfort.

BEHOLD the next great boom in the American story: THE DOMINOS PIZZA CORPORATION. May their delivery men live long and prosper, ushered to and fro their destinations at exceedingly cheap rates.

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