Leaked Bilderberg Cable

From: J.B. BILDERBERG
Subject: 2013 Bohemian Grotto Economic Summit, Federal Reserve Bank of New York, Financial District, Manhattan
Date: December 31, 2013
Classification: Controlled/Restricted/Need-to-Know/Eyes-Only

Greetings,

Since addressing the delegation assembly in Tunisia last month, I’m pleased to report that the firm’s influence over global event vectors has strengthened:

Seizing upon opportunities linked to the unfolding Crimean Crisis, the firm increased its share of the world’s cryptocurrency supply from 80.7% to 81.1% of global units outstanding.

Within our capital markets division, the smart-beta-indexed inflation trading desk outperformed its benchmark. And despite increased public outrage and diminishing returns, our latency arbitrage desks delivered consistent profits yet again, boasting only one losing day in the trailing 36 months.

Our web presence remains a paragon of intense cyber victory. Sixteen of our seventeen SaaS portfolio companies have obtained mezzanine financing; four of which are scheduled to IPO on the NASDAQ next month. And our combined mobile reach now extends to over 2.3 billion app installs.

2013 was a good year for the firm. 2014 will be great.

-J.B. Bilderberg