You’re All Incompetent

A lot of you blogging fuckers make believe you know how to manage real money, when in fact you are trading the sea shells from my beach house. Do yourselves a favor and quit blogging, RIGHT NOW, else feel the tip of my sharpened sword.

NOTE: This missive is pointed directly at the clowns who claim to be “great investors” but offer little game plan for the mid-intermediate term investor. Anyone with real money knows and understands that day trading is for birds, small birds with big beaks. In other words, you are inexorably irrelevant.

In summary, iBankCoin urinates on you from 500 story high balconies.

UPDATE: Indeud.

The iBC iphone app, as you know by now, is a HUGE success, averaging nearly 2,000 downloads per day—a favorite of sorts for the miscreants who enjoy reading high caliber financial commentary. From the front lines, I am pleased to report, iBC has vanquished the clowns from Yahoo Finance and have set their guns aka HOWITZERS on the cocksuckers at CNBC.

Developing…

NOTE: We are #10 in finance apps and climbing, with great veracity.

…several large pitbulls are nibbling at your balls, while a herd of moose stomp your face in. You don’t want to go short the market,  no matter how bad this tape looks. Look you, it’s a Friday afternoon. People like me are outside buying shit for the weekend, planning events and gatherings. On a personal note, I’m plotting to humiliate people, in a very clever and ingenious way, might I add.

Once again, good folks from the internets, life is all about humiliating others, while advancing your own cause. If that means you should run an old guy (who happens to be in a fucking wheel chair) over with with your pick-up truck, in order to make the green light: then so be it. Life is short; live a little and go nuts. Drink 30 cups of coffee in one sitting; see what happens to your fucking brain and central nervous system.

With the market down, many bearshitters have reemerged, from their muddy graves, half-stepping to iBC, in order to warn of apocalypse and infectious cancer. Much to their chagrin, “The Fly” warned everyone of a pending sell off yesterday. And, as a result, he raised a little “cashish.” Oh, it must hurt my enemies, me being so good and all.

Bottom line: go eat a sandwich and try to avoid fucking with your central nervous system. I was just joking about that, dipshit.

Fuck this noise. I cashed out of AgFeed Industries, Inc. [[FEED]] and Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc. [[CMG]] and reduced my Sociedad Quimica y Minera (ADR) [[SQM]] position by 90%. No worries, I will buy said names lower.

Developing…

You stupid bastards have it all wrong— always have, always will. We have a 3-5% correction coming and there is nothing you or your stupid friends can do about it. I warned you yesterday to raise cash; but you chose to margin out your accounts like a crackhead on ritalin. While it’s true, I am bullish on stocks due to the resurgence of “global growth.”It’s also true that we are due for a dip, in order to wash out the excesses aka “fuck the retail investor with a large cactus.”

Relax. The market will not swan dive; it will only dive a little. Do yourself a favor and raise some cash, then go eat a large sandwich with lots of olive oil on it. And, while you’re at it, put some sun dried tomatoes on it.

With my money, I’m into buying stuff cheap. I’ll make it a point to buy more Corinthian Colleges, Inc. [[COCO]] , SandRidge Energy Inc. [[SD]] , Cummins Inc. [[CMI]] and Green Mountain Coffee Roasters Inc. [[GMCR]] , whenever the fuck I feel like it, or when the shadows near my favorite urinal tell me to buy with both hands.

In short, enjoy the brick umbrella, without the luxury of a helmet. Markets were not designed to let stupid fuckers like you get rich. It’s time for you to give some coin back, as a sacrifice to the stock Gods.

NOTE: You might want to avoid going short too, as the market has a tendency to rape bearshitters with great ferocity and frequency.

Prepare for a sell off that will blind many and “de-sack” most. The Dow Jones will slide, under a “brick umbrella” of egregious sell orders, as money mangers yell out : “GET ME THE FUCK OUT NOW!”

While it’s true, I am not prepared for a decline. It’s also true, I do not need to be prepared.

For the day, I enjoyed more gains and took advantage of such “greenery” to raise some cash. Over the next few days, despite the temptation to buy everything under the sun, I will exercise some prudence and raise more cash, perhaps as much as 35%.

In short, I’m still retardo bullish on the markets. However, let’s call a spade a spade here, being up 15% inside of two weeks, in a moderately aggressive asset allocation model, is a little much. Believe me, I know I have the skills of the space alien magician when it comes to picking stocks. But, I’m not going to return 600% in 2010, unless of course I tossed my whole book into aggressive call options and said “fuck it,” just prior to my removal from the general population.

Now that I’ve raised a little cash, it is burning a hole in my pocket.  Already, I spent some buying up a few block of TEKELEC [[TKLC]] . Now, like a treu [sic] drug addict, I have like 10 stocks on my immediate buylist, whispering to me: “buy me, buy me motherfucker, buy me.” I have taken it upon myself to just walk away from the desk, in order to resist the temptations of the devil. The appropriate course of action is to raise cash here. However, the river boat gambler in me wants to throw some dice “one last time.”

It really is ridiculous, now that I think about it.

The problem that I have is too much energy. Most of the time, I’m hopped up on 30 cups of coffee, just pacing back and forth, randomly cursing at stuff that makes no sense.

For the remainder of the day, I will go for a drive, trying to run over people in wheel chairs or some shit. Or, I might speak to a few people, regarding how lucky they are to know me.

I bought 30,000, north of $16.

Disclaimer: If you buy TKLC because of this post, Apple Inc. [[AAPL]] will cancel production of the iphone, rendering shares of TKLC “insanely overvalued.” And, you may lose money.

In light of my year to date retuns knocking on 15%, in two short weeks, I am paring back on some names here, in an effort to not get evicerated should the market dip.

As a result, I sold the following:

All of my [[MWW]] and Mechel OAO (ADR) [[MTL]] for big gains. And, I sold some of my [[CBD]] and CGG Veritas (ADR) [[CGV]] positions, for monstrous gains.

In total, I raised about 12% cash. My target cash position is 15%.

Developing…

If you live in America and are without proper employment, it may be time to get on the Government dole and check yourself into a “re-education program,” courtesy of the Government. When times are tough, people like to go back to school, in order to find another skill  or waste some time doing dick. Nevertheless, with 10% unemployment and the job landscape rapidly changing, dumb fuckers from the Midwest, as well as other parts of the U.S., need to get their learn on.

I would like to take this opportunity to reintroduce Corinthian Colleges, Inc. [[COCO]] and a basket of other undervalued education stocks.

Names like Apollo Group, Inc. [[APOL]] , K12 Inc. [[LRN]] , Career Education Corp. [[CECO]] , [[LOPE]] and DeVry Inc. [[DV]] have been ignored by investors,  as if they were riddled with some rare form of infectious aids. It’s a brand new year people and it’s time for you to quit being so stupid. Get yourself some school stocks, then proceed to do incredibly dumb shit, like crack a 40 oz of malt liquor over someones head (just kidding).

My favorite in the group is Corinthian Colleges, Inc. [[COCO]] .

As an aside, it’s still cold as fuck in the United States; it must have something to do with the fact that it’s fucking winter time. Nonetheless, look for big draw downs in natural gas inventories, effectively giving people a real reason to go long natty plays, like Smith International, Inc. [[SII]] , Flotek Industries, Inc. [[FTK]] and NGAS Resources, Inc. [[NGAS]] . I am talking some low end shit here.

Also, gold is worth buying down here, as the dollar rally seems to be dead. My favorite play is U.S. Global Investors, Inc. [[GROW]] . My best guess, those fuckers raised a fuckload of cash, over the last quarter, especially since their funds have done extraordinarily well.

Finally, Chipotle Mexican Grill, Inc. [[CMG]] is rolling towards $100 like a burrito on steroids (I have no idea what that means). Get some.