FUTURES OPEN SUBSTANTIALLY LOWER

Yes, all of the ghouls are out early this evening and it has nothing to do with the Emmys. We have our own drama unfolding, all to do with the full and absolute collapse of the western banking system, stemming from the cradle of civilization itself. It’s rather ironic isn’t it?

Futures are lower by 16 and the Twittersphere of economic scholars are rife with discussions of failed auctions, German elections, and American depression. Without a doubt, the market is due for a 2-3% pullback. However, this sort of futures action portends to something far, far more sinister.

Look for the market to be engulfed by electric clouds and acid rain, eroding anything in its path. If you are long, sort of like me, expect swift decapitation and do not fear, for it will be quick. The pain will not last long once the lightening bolt strikes your heart, as your anatomy disintegrates into a pile of black ash.

In order for this country to get “back on good footing,” we need rampant homelessness. People should just leave their homes now and live out in the wilderness, directly adjacent to popular city centers. Panhandling will give you “freedom” and the opportunity to take what is rightfully yours from “the rich”- who are still working for the “corrupt” central government.

All of this bailout shit is getting in the way of true American independence: living off the fat of the land. As discussed by the homeless porn scholars across the blogosphere, there is only one way out of this mess: down.

While some of you remain disillusioned to the world around you, going on decadent vacations in the Caribbean, noshing on beluga caviar, drinking high end wine, and having obnoxious annual dinners at Rouge Tomate, there are grave dangers almost everywhere I look. For example, just yesterday I saw some woman attempting to pay for her Wholefoods groceries with food stamps. Luckily, the cashiers did the “right thing” and had her arrested and deported to a nearby FEMA concentration camp.

In this day and age, there is no future in enterprising or starting businesses, just homelessness. If you bother working, the government is just gonna swipe your checking accounts and spend that shit on elaborate vacations for Michelle Obama anyway. Plus, Greece has so much debt, compounded since the days of Agamemnon, there is really no point in trying to get out of this fucking mess. Let’s just let the Persians and the Chinese conduct land-grabs, while we cry naked in bathtubs filled with powdered milk.

The market is melting up and I am busy throwing large quantities of money into flaming barrels of garbage. It’s Murphy’s law at play here, pal. I was going to allocate some coin into CREE today, when it was +0.45. Instead, I threw money into a flaming tar pit in BYD, currently off by 1% from my basis.

I am elated to see the market higher. Hell, if it was lower, my CIEN, VMW, and FFIV positions might be down 15% each. For that, I am most humbly grateful to the all-fucking-mighty for such splendour, gifting me with such minor inconveniences and accumulative losses (1%). The market was high on crack yesterday, yet I managed to squeak out a 0.3% gain.

FUCK YOU, running sideways, with footballs in your ass.

I don’t like this game anymore and I am going home. Once I get home, I am going to launch Saddaaaaam Hussein era Scud missiles into the playing field. And (I am not done), I am, purposely, going to lose money next week, as a penalty for the shit I pulled this week. It’s do or die with “The Fly” and I have no choice but to “Rick Perry” myself, by way of howitzer to the face.

Oh, by the way, I am sooooo excited about the prospects of my fucking TLT position. When the world is lit aflame by alien hordes, I might be able to eek out a small profit and handsome as the hamburglalr [SIC] dividend.

I bought 10,000 BYD in a desperate attempt to make money in this market. Follow me at your own peril.

I am totally missing out on today’s melt up, as tech trades lower as if they market were down 300. Consumer discretionary names are off to the races, led by stocks like HANS, EL, KMB, COST etc. I am not sure why retail is roaring higher. However, I can tell you this much: the sector isn’t pricing in a fucking recession. That’s for sure.

Ahead of Bernanke and the Fed, it’s dangerous to short here. He may very well chequemate the global bear team and crush them on a QE3 announcement.

I am not particularly happy right now. As a matter of fact, I am downright glum about my underperformance over the past two days. It’s so important to make these rallies count when you get them. To lose money when the market is gapping up is a fucking crime. I should “Rick Perry” (execute) myself for fucking up.

Nevertheless, I remind myself that the market isn’t over in two trading sessions and next week may bring me great fortune. But I am very concerned about the longevity of this rally. Should we correct, I can find myself down 10% in these fuckhole stocks, leaving my YTD gains around 2%.

It’s non-stop fun in the world of money management and I am sure all of you cocksuckers have managed it perfectly, with your 5 figure Zeeco accounts at risk.

Off to conduct sacrifice rituals with my VooDoo Physician.

This market appears to be frustrating. However, if you look at it objectively, we are simply digesting recent gains. I am bleeding out a bit here, with most of my stocks lower. As a matter of fact, my CIEN position is outright sinking. Nonetheless, I am not going to panic out of the market on a slow Friday afternoon. As a matter of fact, I am tired of running.

This market reminds me of a horror movie when the victim is constantly on the run from the killer. He run and runs and runs, tripping over garbage pails and into dead ends. There comes a point when the man realizes he is wasting valuable energy, running from the killer and decides to make a stand and fight to the death. Granted, that analogy is completely absurd when putting it into the context of capital markets. But there is some value in sticking to convictions and riding out the troughs.

I’ve made my bed, long tech, into a European banking crisis. I have downside exposure, with no hedges other than my super sized TLT position. Although I believe the market can see lower prices before higher, I’m tired of trying to time every fucking tick. I’ve been trading like a lunatic on meth for about 6 months now.

It’s time to make a stand.

Trolls gotta troll, just like whores gotta give venereal diseases. Don’t think you are safe because “The Fly” puts on a suit, tie and shiny as shit shoes. No one is safe, especially you. I carry a shot gun in my top hat and my cane is a samurai sword, ready to slice your stupid head off your shoulders.

The stock business must’ve confused you, amidst your losses. No one gives a shit about you because you’ve accomplished nothing. I am not talking about monetary gains either. What I speak of is the respect of others.

iBankCoin reigns supreme over others, not because of my eloquent words and command over the english language or the second to none contributions of our writers. It’s because of the winship, champ, provided for and given to the readers of this site. I didn’t go from 0 to 1.5million page views per month inside of 4 years, without vulture capitalists or a dime of my own money put towards advertisements, by accident. This shit spread like the Black Death, via word of mouth, because it is infectious. I don’t like the media or the venture capital community and will never sell iBC. I don’t need their fucking money, because I have my own. These words are hard for you to read because you’re fucking out and I’m fucking in.

Troll on.

The PPT is the axiom of syllogisms.

UPDATE: 2009

2010

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIcxI3D-sdk 603 500]

After the cocaine addled GORILLA bashed your face in with a decorative boulder, you got up and cleaned yourself up. The sauna was a fucking mess, with GORILLA shit all over your prized wooden walls and floors. Looking at the mess, you simply needed to unwind a bit, sort of “get away from the world.” The only logical thing to do was lock up the house and head for the carnival.

On your way to the carnival, listening to bloomberg radio, you heard the market was losing steam. As predicted by yourself and the “team” at Zerohedge, investors were selling into strength. Aside from the giant gash on your brain, you were delighted.

You reached the carnival and parked the car right next to the cotton candy vendor. You always liked cotton candy, especially the pink colored version. Before locking up the car, you popped the trunk and fetched a chilled bottle of chardonnay, with glass, in order to “get your carnival on” in style. With chardonnay glass in hand and pink cotton candy in mouth, like a vagabond, you gallivanted inside the effervescent and whimsical carnival.

As you wandered out from a funhouse filled with retarded mirrors, while noshing on buttery popcorn, you gazed upon a clown doing magic tricks. As you approached said clown, you realized, much to your dismay, he wasn’t an ordinary clown. In fact, he was a homeless man pulling shit out from his hat, laughing hysterically in a crack-cocain infused fury. You tried to get away; but it was too late.

The crackhead clown detected your weakness and ran after you, full speed. Upon tackling you to the ground, he licked your face and drank your wine. He screamed at you in an undetectable language, then slapped you twice with his shit filled hands, one front-hand, the other back-hand.