ATTACK OF THE KILLER CLAM

I fucking warned you about shorting this market. Now you’re gonna pay the price for your sins. Today we bounce and do so with great energy and purpose. You market timers need to shut the fuck up and quit giving advice. Look, I’ve been wrong before, mostly done on purpose in order to let you fucktards catch up. You need to know when you are barking up the wrong tree. When it comes to betting against The Bearded Clam, there is no struggle. There will be no back and forth volley between good and evil—just rout. You fuckers are no match for his printing presses.

Add on to that, the economy is getting better. The s&p 500 will earn $110 in 2012, putting the FPE under 12. That’s fucking ridiculous.

Barring some sort of Chinese real estate collapse, we’re going to 1,650 on the 500.

“The Ultimate Short Squeeze” is setting upon you. Homeless guys sitting on lawn chairs, trading on margin from blackberries, will force you out of your stupid 3x inverse ETFs, rendering your privileged education worthless—yet again. Men in green leotards and velcro hats will die, amidst a flurry of egregious buy orders, all courtesy of The Bearded Clam, aka Benjamin Bernanke.

You may take today’s 2 point loss in the Dow Industrial Averages to the bank. You may cash in all of your apocalyptic bets, even though you have the faintest idea what you are doing. You can talk shit on twitter all day long, predicting the return of the Four Horsemen, starvation and pestilence. People will think you have a great brain. They will clamor your predictions and sign up for your asshole services. HOWARD LINDZON will proclaim your greatness and offer you a blog. In general, you will be regarded as “a great man.”

You will enjoy newsletter success and go on lavish vacations, to beautiful islands, drinking pina coladas and eating shrimps. lobster, and foie gras. You will rest near the ocean, without a care in the world, just sort of taking in the sun, the breeze and the views. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant clam will swallow you whole, before slinking back into the ocean.

No one will ever talk about you again.

Top picks: TEX, BORN, PH

Adding to BORN in a significant way.

Disclaimer: How about a late day rally?

Sans France, Europe is down sharply. Oil, gold, silver and bonds are all getting hit, while the dollar rallies. Everything is where you’d expect them to be in an equity sell off, with notable exception to the banks and retail.

RTH, which is the retail holder, is up more than 1% today on broad based strength. The PPT breadth is at 29.8%, almost double yesterday’s reading. Despite the sharp dips in numerous names, some of which belong to me, today’s tape is not all that bad. Moreover, there is a shot for a late day rally.

For the year, so far, I am down about 1%, giving back all recent gains thanks to angry robots and happy go lucky short sellers. Perhaps I am being a little hard-headed, with regards to my long only position. Or, maybe I am just exhibiting patience. It’s possible that we can decline 10-15% from here. Why not? At the same token, I don’t think many would be surprised if we rallied 10%. That’s what makes a market. It’s the struggle between ideologies, coupled with the noise people make through swing and day trading. Add computer based algorithms into the mix and you have pure chaos, organized and controlled by a select few.

Aside from buying TEX, I trimmed back on my FORM and SFLY positions, mainly for cash. Believe you me, I am enjoying my fair share of losses today, led by PH.

Understand that a lot of weak hands are long stocks now. It makes for a messy tape and the cleansing process is never seamless. However, the foundation for future market gains are present, providing the municipal bond crisis doesn’t go “full retard” in Q2. For now, this is your standard, run of the mill, sell off.

UPDATE: I sold all of my NILE, CENX and PWER. Cash position is now 40%.

I bought 10,000 TEX, personal.

Disclaimer: Let the drums of war sound. I’ll be busy throwing eggs at the people down below.

Believe it or not, I was socializing at a nearby Dunkin’ Donuts last night, talking to a man, who I assume was homeless. He was decked out in a NY Jets jersey, blue jeans and some sort of furry hat. As I waited for my coffee, I noticed he was checking out stocks on his fucked up, old, blackberry device. He was rifling through names with great vigor, so I asked him: “hey, how’s the market treating you?” Much to my surprise, he was in all of the hot names. He even knew about the accounting irregularities of select Chinese stocks.

As I walked out of that disgusting store, I felt a sense of pride. After all, if homeless men are making money in the market, well then, even an idiot can do it. If an idiot can do it, which is synonymous with being homeless, then this economy is about to rip to the upside. Do you like how I just take giant illogical leaps, based upon specious anecdotal evidence? That’s what I do, pal. Live with it.

Lo and behold, today’s jobless claims were MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTED this morning. Looky here, I could have predicted “suchness,” using my homeless man with common stock portfolio thesis.

Looking over my portfolio, I see PH and MOTR are trading down in pre-market trading. For some oddball reason, asshats are selling MOTR, based upon the FFIV news. Idiots, you are selling apples because the donuts are stale. MOTR is a buy. And PH reported MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTED earnings this morning. And, they guided up for 2011. Look for the company to earn close to $6.00 per share in 2011. Motherfucker, PH is cheap. It’s a buy too.

The bottom line: prepare to be squeezed out of your shorts by homeless guys on margin, who view the market from lawn chairs.

As for me, I will be taking it easy today, just sort of waiting around for something cool to happen.

Fuck you pussies. I am not shorting anything, nor hedging. After having extensive discussions today, regarding “to hedge or not to hedge,” I’ve opted to continue riding in my car made from dynamite sticks, heading for the fucking Sun. Today was a down day, live with it you spoiled brats. I contend, we are still in a “long only” market, as TVIX is today’s biggest winner. If you thought VXX was bad, wait until you get a hold of TVIX.

Look, I sold out of JST, HRBN and 20% of NILE, in order to raise cash to 15%. However, I am not worried about this sell off continuing, not in the least. Like it or not, we are in a bull market. What do people do in bull markets?

Answer: buy stocks.

Will the bull market end today?

Answer: positively no.

You should expect wild gyrations to occur when bull markets correct. Back in 1999-2000, I remember seeing people get wiped the fuck out during corrections. They are swift and deadly. However, they present opportunities for people who have liquidity. You can buy the margin calls of your fellow idiot day trader, if you are solvent. So the key here is to build your position to endure a “worst case scenario.” You do this by having a plan. Right now my plan is to raise cash. Should the market continue lower, I will take some of my cash and hedge. But I will not hedge now, after just 1 bad day, all the while the dollar is down, oil is unscathed and large cap names are unchanged to up.

Where are you going to put money? Bonds?

I don’t think so.

Although I recognize the need to cleanse the market of excess. You know, the sort of fuckery that led to extreme valuations on a plethora of tech stocks. I still think this market should be given the benefit of the doubt. Each and every time it looked like the world was about to end, BAM, out comes “The Clam” with his magic wand to make things right.

Into the bell, I added to my BORN position.

It looks like my hopes and aspirations of a 5% correction will come true, as stocks take a beating this afternoon. Ironically, I find myself in a small funnel, alongside a plethora of novice investors, clamoring to get out. I am holding steady here, as my top positions hang in tough, none down more than 2.5%.

All of yesterday’s gains are gone, for me at least. And, given the current trend of panic selling, coupled with analyst downgrades, there is a good chance I will lose more money tomorrow. But, to be honest, you never can tell when you have crazy clams out there buying s&p futures.

My top pick is still PH. But on this dip, other names are worth looking at first. I like SFLY, FORM and CENX into weakness.

My current cash position is about 10% and I will look to bolster it by selling out of “non-priority” names, so that I can buy higher quality names if they dip some more.

Dollar tankage. Like the sweet set up in LIOX yesterday, I have 10 more stocks readying to break the fuck out. I don’t need the damn stock market to rise when I have unique and overtly special situations, might I add. Whatever weakness you may think is set to occur, thanks to a GS or an AXP miss, it will be short lived. As a matter of fact, I declare this market is unbreakable.

I relish the day when stocks fall more than 5% in a given week, so that I may buy them all and put said certificates into my vault for safe keeping. At the top of my list is degenerate small cap stocks, low in price and in honor. I have 12 stocks on my “Immediate Buy List”, saved in The PPT (subscribers go find it). I intend to cherry pick from this list, in order to fulfill my craving to gamble, in the most heinous of ways.

As always, earnings season is filled with remote detonations, effectively fucking up noobs in the process. I make it a point to avoid potential pitfalls. But frankly, if you own equities in size, it is inevitable. So if you find yourself this morning, CREE-mated, don’t lament over it like a little bitch. Just chalk up an “L” and accept the fact that it’s part of the game.

Top pick: PH

I just got back from the worst haircut experience of my life, where this stupid bitch cut into my head as if I was a block of ham. I refrained, exhibiting great discipline, from making a scene, due to the presence of my children. Plus anyway, gentlemen do not bring negative attention to themselves, especially amongst the working class. She dug here comb into my scalp with great force and then cut my hair in such a way, one would surmise she was an escaped lunatic from my local asylum. Tonight I will pray for her quick extinction from this planet, vis a vis car bomb or some other form of egregious and untimely death. Trust me when I tell you, she is well deserving of execution.

As you could imagine, my mood has soured a great deal since my last post, so I will keep this simple and to the point.

AAPL and IBM beat numbers. The locomotive of “better than expected” is rolling downhill now, cutting off the arms and legs of those who get in its way. Dare I say, and I mean this with all of my black heart, this is the easiest tape to trade I have ever seen. Skip over the hard earnings plays, like CREE, and you have a printing press at your disposal.

I just framed my year end statement, highlighting my 875% (I started off the year with a little more than I originally thought. Hence, no 1,000%) return for last year. So you know, that was accomplished using only the algorithms and tools inside of The PPT, for personal use only. My clients endured the horrors of 60% gains, much to their delight. Thus far in 2011, my personal account is up just 2%, while managed accounts are up north of 3%. I am going with a blend of large cap industrials, tech and commodities. However, truth be told, my ideas change on a daily basis.

As time goes on, I realize I am wasting my talents by managing less than others, and jerking around on the internet, like a clown, for the amusement of others. I will never sell iBankCoin, mainly because it is mine and I do not need the money. So, essentially, I am imprisoned here, for an undetermined amount of time. Truth be told, all kidding aside, it is my passion to help others invest their money wisely. Within the next 6-9 month, we will be releasing PPT 2.0 (finally) with numerous additions that should bring it to the next level, in so many ways. And, if motivated, I would love to add another blogger to the mix, one who isn’t looking for handouts or get rich quick schemes. Remember, unlike other degenerate/disgusting blogs out there, authored by hucksters, we are gentlemen of the 3rd degree here at iBC. Never forget that.