Robsterless Market

The rolling disaster known as the Obama administration has fueled the fires of uncertainty, amidst a full economic collapse. You may live to tell your children about the days of The Great Economic Collapse of 2009, but the market won’t.

Everything you know about finance is useless. All of your stupid charts and asinine spreadsheets are better served lining the floors of your local garbage trucks, instead of being put to use in this market.

If you are serious about surviving this period of tumult, I strongly suggest that you heed the warnings and listen to the prodigious advice of “The Fly” aka Senor Tropicana–nd do so with great vigor.

So you know, I have open longs in TNA, WNR, CY, JRJC, GLW and ISRG. However, aside from 3% of my assets short, I have nearly 80% of my book in cash.

We are too low to short and too fucked to buy.

Trade accordingly.

I bought 2,000 ISRG @ $88.20.

Disclaimer: If you buy ISRG because of this post, someone will throw paint on your brand new mink coat. And, you may lose money.

I covered my CPT short, buying 2,500 @ $17.20.

Let’s not play games, shall we not? There will be no rally with GE in the penalty death box. There are all sorts of reasons to sell this market. However, none are as compelling as a GE failure.

On a very private level, I think the share price of GE is bewitched by demon sorcerers, who endeavor to see the end of America, via financial collapse. In the meantime, we must deal with trading ranges and other stupid things, prior to the ultimate “mushroom clouding” of American society.

Believe it or not, I executed zero trades today. As you know, I am mostly cash, so the daily fluctuations of the market are not of great concern to me. Sometime soon, I will sell out of the remainder of my SDS and DUG positions. I will keep my CPT short.

My longs consist of GLW, JRJC, WNR, CY and TNA.

In short, I expect to have my balls boxed around in any longs, until GE firms up and stops acting like it’s going out of business. My top recommendation: raise lots of cash and sit this fucker out.

Yes I know, we are 1 month behind. It’s rather fashionable to be delinquent you know.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kRNIQMKnD8 450 300]

I have nothing to discuss with the likes of you. “The Fly” warned you there would come a day when the funnel was so narrow, those who were left long stocks would have their skulls kicked in. Ladies and Gentlemen, today was that day.

To recap:

I covered most of my shorts, with exception of a little DUG, DRR and CPT. Erroneously, I nibbled, like a steel rat inside a sugar box, at TNA. But, for the most part, I am out of the market, with more than 70% of my capital in a well deserved cash position.

All of you fuckers, who were betting against HORATIO CLAWHAMMER, got Godzilla raped today, rightfully so.

UPDATE: Pay up, Cramer.

Update II: Left wing conspiracy theory, besmirching Santelli, destroyed.

This is it. Quit loving America, for she most certainly does not love you. Sure, you love your fucking neighbors/family and that stupid lake that you used to visit when you were a kid. That’s different.

I’m talking about the idea of America. It’s dead, friend. All of the bullshit that you thought you knew is in fact NOT bullshit, if that makes any sense to you. The stewards of our money and security failed us on an epic level and now there is no turning back.

Most of the people that I meet, who are down massively, attribute their losses to “betting on America’s long term viability.” So many people are like Kudlow, bunch of jingoists, who regularly suck the pants off their respective political parties.

Take yourself out of the matrix and see what they are doing to you. Or else, the next thing you know, some zombie motherfucker will sneak up from behind and eat the brains right out from your stupid skull.

LOL UPDATE:

I covered all of my oil shorts, except for a token 5,000 shares of DUG. And, I covered my ESS and FRT shorts. Moreover, I sold out of my SDS position.

Basically, I am 75% cash right now, with a little DUG, DRR, short CPT and REW.

In short, I kept my longs (15% of assets), rung the register on shorts and now find myself, in my high end chair, eating a sandwich.

UPDATE: I bought 10,000 TNA @ $13.55.

Host: Next up a 5 star fund manager who thinks the market is ready to bottom. His 5 star flagship fund is down more than 75% year to date and he thinks stocks are cheap. Tell me, what do you like, what are you buying?

Guest: Well, on a price to book ratio, all stocks are extremely cheap here. We’ve been buying down here, for what we consider a buy of a lifetime. We like all stocks.

Host: Really? What do you hear out there? What are people saying?

Guest: Well, they’re not happy. Most of our clients have been torpedoed for their entire life savings, so it’s hard to tell. Our take at The Fucktard Funds is that stocks represent a better value than all other asset classes, including real estate, currencies, bonds and collectibles.

Host: Really? A lot of your critics say that you’re just plain ol’ vanilla gay and that your fund is some sort of sinkhole for America. What do you say to those critics?

Guest: Well, I have to say, we think they are wrong. If you look back, from the 1700’s, no market, in the history of markets, has gone down this much and not went back up. We at The Fucktard Funds think it is time to buy.

Host: Tell us, what stocks look good to you? There must be so many stocks that you like. I mean, even GE is in the single digits. We all know they are not going anywhere. What do you like?

Guest: We like GE and all of the big industrial names. We want to be long early cycle plays and buy them until our clients go blind. It really is a great time to have cash. We also like China. Anything related to China is as good as oxygen on planet Mars.

Host: Whoo, hoo! Finally we have a guest with a little spunk. We’ve been doing one interview after another with people predicting the end of the world. I must say, it’s very refreshing to hear a positive tone. Look at this market, it is well off its lows. We have a rally going on here!

Guest: We certainly do. We think this is the absolute bottom, which will never be seen or heard from again. That’s us at The Fucktard Fund. We always look for bargains and right now, based upon our research, stocks are cheaper than a dead donkey in Liberia.

Host: Absolute bottom! Dead Donkey in Liberia! I love it! Good to have you on, Joe Asshat from the Fucktard Funds. Next up on CNBC is Bill Gross from PIMCO.He will tell us why he is holding a loaded gun to America’s head. Stay tuned.