Check Out My Capes

Another huge day for the capesize rates. Despite what Jennifer has to say on the matter, BALT is going higher.

Santa Claus, in all of his glorious gluttony, is going to reduce the short sellers into a pack of crying babies, taking to Twitter, complaining over “manipulated markets” and “rigged games.”

SHUT UP, you stupid heathens. Ever since 2008, you jackasses have been talking about crashes and how the Fed was evil– when in fact it is YOU that was evil the whole time–trying to derail the economy and toss people into open pits of fire.

It is YOU, with all of your Tea Party gayness, gold standard fantasies, that threaten my way of life, a life filled with unchecked decadence and hedonistic rituals. Do not hate the market because it is going higher. Instead, dare I say, hate yourselves for being stupid enough to miss it.

Let me explain to you, in the dumbest terms, what you’ve been doing.

Imagine you were playing in a baseball game and was batting with the bases loaded. Now imagine the pitcher lost his mind, and instead of throwing his 100mph heater, he opted, for whatever reason, to lob over some slow-balls to you, right over the plate. A normal hitter wouldn’t overthink the scenario and he’d just swing for the fences, driving in a few runs home in the process. The mental midget would stand there, frozen with fear, and eat three strikes, never testing his abilities to win.

Simply stated: if you haven’t made money since 2008, and especially in 2013, you weren’t trying, frozen at the plate like some sort of stubborn jackass. There isn’t a conspiracy and we’re not on the precipice of grave danger. It’s just a slow-ball and you’re a coward.

Take the bat off your shoulder and swing it. I promise you the results will please you.

SPY futs are +10.

A few random items before I head out to dinner.

1. The PPT wins again.

Remember this Oversold signal?

Here is the track record for the oversold signal, determined by our algorithms, over the past 12 months.

2. The new GARP index is coming out next week.

3. Prices for The PPT, 12631 and After Hours with Option Addict are scheduled to go up by 20%, effective 1/1/14 (you have until midnight to lock in the lower, miserly, rates). If you are a member before 1/1/14, your rates will be locked in and unaffected by egregious actions.

4. Have a great weekend.

Up another 4.3% for the day, new highs, +62% for the year.

By the way, Seeking Alpha continues to defecate themselves with AMBA spiraling higher.

One of the added features to The PPT is the GARP index (growth at a reasonable price). I added this feature last year after people requested to have some longer term ideas thrown at them from my penthouse apartment. Over the past year, the GARP index returned in excess of 30%, excluding dividends. The chart got messed up after we updated the index in June; but it still tells the story.

The index is comprised of 15 stocks, diversified amongst the 10 principle sectors. It is updated only twice per annum, once in January and again in June. Here are the 6 month results of the current members.

I’ve been researching for the new 2014 GARP index for more than a month and will be unveiling it after pagan Xmas.

As an aside: BALT.

Look at Capesize rates this morning!

I’ve got news to report to you. But first, let me tell you about my new fascination with dumping coconut oil into the blackest of black coffee available to me. I take said coffee and drop a tablespoon of greasy coconut oil into it and then I drink it. Some of us about these parts fancy to drop a stick or two of butter into said beverage. However, I am not at that level just yet. For now, I remain steadfast in my belief that this concoction of greasy blackness will continue to provide me with the energy of a rabid animal.

After I devour the contents of the prescription mentioned above, I head to the gym and try to give myself a hernia. My muscles are as hard as concrete cinderblocks and I can crush your jaws into dust with just a singular punch.
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In other news, as Chairman of the iBankCoin Reserve, regrettably, the time has come to raise rates on all premium services on iBankCoin, effective midnight on 12/31/13. As you know, our suite of products, The PPT, 12631 and After Hours with Option Addict, are significantly discounted compared to our peers, who are inferior by all measures.

DO NOT PANIC, for current members will be “grandfathered in” at the olde fashioned, miserly, rates.

The new, and very affordable, cost for all the above products will be as follows:

Monthly: $59.95
Semi-Annual: $299.95
Annual: $459.95

As you can see, I’ve been very generous to you all by keeping rates low for an extended period of time, giving the economy a chance to rebound. However, all good things come to an end and the good folks at iBC have an Orbital Space Cannon (OSC) to develop (for offensive purposes only). While some of my “competitors” like to flaunt about the Caribbean amidst diamonds and fast automobiles, I remain stoically reserved in my chambers planning world domination.

I give many thanks to the thousands of people who’ve joined our army over the years and appeal to your good nature to accept this news with a grain of salt. Be quick about joining our ranks and lock in the low, miserly, rates now– and you too might galavant about 5 star hotels and lavish your lady friends with minks and other fine items, all bequeathed to you by the brain trust at iBankCoin, working under slavish conditions for the benefit of mankind.

If it wasn’t happening to me, I’d say it was a lie. I made almost 4% today, following yesterday’s 1.7% lift. I am within a hair of new annual highs and it couldn’t come at a better time. Even more impressive is the insanity taking place over at After Hours with Option Addict. Coming off his 2,000% gain in TWTR calls, he just made another 500% in SCTY. Let me not subtract anything away from the boys at 12631 by not mentioning their excellence in running an extremely efficient and profitable real time trading room as well.

Every cylinder that I can ask for are running now, with extreme horsepower, plowing over the faces of disgruntled men like Jennifer.

I took on a new position in LITB today–because I’m into chinese lottery. I also added to an already large RBCN position, in hopes that it squeezes higher into the New Year. As for BALT: what can I say? The stock is at a new 52 week high and I buy some almost every day. There’s no point in repeating my Fly Buys each and every day. You get the drift.

It’s worth mentioning, I still have a Herculean sized position in GIMO and OWW too. I am 145% stretched long, into what I consider to be a lay up trading scenario.

I added to my RBCN position.

Sure, don’t listen to the guy at York Capital, managing $20 billion or the guy who blogs from the comfort of a time machine. Instead, heed the warnings of some guy named Jennifer.

Long BALT and won’t sell until $10.

I started a new position in Chinese burrito company LITB in the hopes of receiving great fortune for pagan Xmas.