Merry Christmas

May this pagan holiday bring you great fortune disguised as presents. Enjoy the festivities, in all of its unparalleled gluttony. While at the dinner table this evening, give thanks, as you toss thousands of dollars in gifts to the innocent children. Seeing the look in their eyes, as they idly discard the vast majority of your gifts, just so that they could open the one gift they will cherish most, makes pagan X-mas totally worth it.

As for The Fly: he will be partaking in a mulled wine adventure of sorts, drinking enough to stop 10 men in their tracks, all for the sake of joy. I shall devour healthy quantities of seafood and tell jokes by the fireside, as the other patrons at my mother’s house gawk around for something to do.

The ships are doing quite well this morning, this time led by DRYS. Capes are up again and it’s only a matter of time before BALT breaks Jennifer’s neck. Hopefully we can all enjoy such a spectacle by the New Year’s; another great day of boozing and snoozing lies just around the corner.

If you’re wondering “what’s this nonsense all about?” confused about stocks, women and other fine delicacies, I will tell you now.

CHINESE LOTTERY, this time literally as per company description.

I must be shoving off now. Ten thousand golf claps for the readers of iBankCoin for making this place the very best and fashionable domain in all of the internets. I tip my hat and glass in your honour, gingerly spilling some mulled wine all over mother’s prized rugs.

Merry X-mas to my east and west coast heathens and Merry Christmas to everyone else.

Shut up, at once, you stupid vagrant!

I made another 1.6% today and schemed amongst my associates to make more. For those of you who are brand new, rookie, punks to this market, tomorrow is half day, a time of year when Santa Claus himself sleds over the faces of the unfortunate.

I intend to make fat gains amidst thin trading.

Try this at home if you dare. Just know, the SPY is barely up 1% for the month of December, which means “The January Effect” is right on schedule to punch the faces off of anyone in the way. Please pardon my violent demeanor, for I was raised in the sewers of Brooklyn, dodging bullets and knife jabs on my way to school.

Top picks: BALT, DRYS, RBCN, YY

I started a new position in YY, with some proceeds from GIMO sales.

I am eying stocks with big short positions and approaching 52 week highs. I am betting capitulation is just ’round the corner in many of these names.

I missed out on one trade mentioned today in The PPT, with XONE. It has spiraled higher since. I have another on deck and will buy it, providing I am able to free up some funds.

Bottom line: I am up another 1.5% today and BALT is on the move. Two of my dark horse plays, RBCN and GIMO, are showing potential too.

I can’t complain, even though I want to. I see stocks up 9% for the session and get jealous that I do not own them. But that’s an awfully childish way to think about one’s investments, is it not? I can’t go around, like a spoiled brat, pouting for only being up 1.5% instead of 9%, can I?

I most certainly cannot, nor can you feel the right to display indignation in these halls and question anything that I say to you. One doesn’t take charity and good fortune for granted. You are both fortunate and the recipient of my charitable donations by allowing you to read this site, a place of great literature, second to only the Library of Alexandria.

Good tidings.

Another huge day for the capesize rates. Despite what Jennifer has to say on the matter, BALT is going higher.

Santa Claus, in all of his glorious gluttony, is going to reduce the short sellers into a pack of crying babies, taking to Twitter, complaining over “manipulated markets” and “rigged games.”

SHUT UP, you stupid heathens. Ever since 2008, you jackasses have been talking about crashes and how the Fed was evil– when in fact it is YOU that was evil the whole time–trying to derail the economy and toss people into open pits of fire.

It is YOU, with all of your Tea Party gayness, gold standard fantasies, that threaten my way of life, a life filled with unchecked decadence and hedonistic rituals. Do not hate the market because it is going higher. Instead, dare I say, hate yourselves for being stupid enough to miss it.

Let me explain to you, in the dumbest terms, what you’ve been doing.

Imagine you were playing in a baseball game and was batting with the bases loaded. Now imagine the pitcher lost his mind, and instead of throwing his 100mph heater, he opted, for whatever reason, to lob over some slow-balls to you, right over the plate. A normal hitter wouldn’t overthink the scenario and he’d just swing for the fences, driving in a few runs home in the process. The mental midget would stand there, frozen with fear, and eat three strikes, never testing his abilities to win.

Simply stated: if you haven’t made money since 2008, and especially in 2013, you weren’t trying, frozen at the plate like some sort of stubborn jackass. There isn’t a conspiracy and we’re not on the precipice of grave danger. It’s just a slow-ball and you’re a coward.

Take the bat off your shoulder and swing it. I promise you the results will please you.

SPY futs are +10.

A few random items before I head out to dinner.

1. The PPT wins again.

Remember this Oversold signal?

Here is the track record for the oversold signal, determined by our algorithms, over the past 12 months.

2. The new GARP index is coming out next week.

3. Prices for The PPT, 12631 and After Hours with Option Addict are scheduled to go up by 20%, effective 1/1/14 (you have until midnight to lock in the lower, miserly, rates). If you are a member before 1/1/14, your rates will be locked in and unaffected by egregious actions.

4. Have a great weekend.

Up another 4.3% for the day, new highs, +62% for the year.

By the way, Seeking Alpha continues to defecate themselves with AMBA spiraling higher.

One of the added features to The PPT is the GARP index (growth at a reasonable price). I added this feature last year after people requested to have some longer term ideas thrown at them from my penthouse apartment. Over the past year, the GARP index returned in excess of 30%, excluding dividends. The chart got messed up after we updated the index in June; but it still tells the story.

The index is comprised of 15 stocks, diversified amongst the 10 principle sectors. It is updated only twice per annum, once in January and again in June. Here are the 6 month results of the current members.

I’ve been researching for the new 2014 GARP index for more than a month and will be unveiling it after pagan Xmas.

As an aside: BALT.

Look at Capesize rates this morning!

I’ve got news to report to you. But first, let me tell you about my new fascination with dumping coconut oil into the blackest of black coffee available to me. I take said coffee and drop a tablespoon of greasy coconut oil into it and then I drink it. Some of us about these parts fancy to drop a stick or two of butter into said beverage. However, I am not at that level just yet. For now, I remain steadfast in my belief that this concoction of greasy blackness will continue to provide me with the energy of a rabid animal.

After I devour the contents of the prescription mentioned above, I head to the gym and try to give myself a hernia. My muscles are as hard as concrete cinderblocks and I can crush your jaws into dust with just a singular punch.
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In other news, as Chairman of the iBankCoin Reserve, regrettably, the time has come to raise rates on all premium services on iBankCoin, effective midnight on 12/31/13. As you know, our suite of products, The PPT, 12631 and After Hours with Option Addict, are significantly discounted compared to our peers, who are inferior by all measures.

DO NOT PANIC, for current members will be “grandfathered in” at the olde fashioned, miserly, rates.

The new, and very affordable, cost for all the above products will be as follows:

Monthly: $59.95
Semi-Annual: $299.95
Annual: $459.95

As you can see, I’ve been very generous to you all by keeping rates low for an extended period of time, giving the economy a chance to rebound. However, all good things come to an end and the good folks at iBC have an Orbital Space Cannon (OSC) to develop (for offensive purposes only). While some of my “competitors” like to flaunt about the Caribbean amidst diamonds and fast automobiles, I remain stoically reserved in my chambers planning world domination.

I give many thanks to the thousands of people who’ve joined our army over the years and appeal to your good nature to accept this news with a grain of salt. Be quick about joining our ranks and lock in the low, miserly, rates now– and you too might galavant about 5 star hotels and lavish your lady friends with minks and other fine items, all bequeathed to you by the brain trust at iBankCoin, working under slavish conditions for the benefit of mankind.